Longing....

Sometimes there are things that touch me. Turn me upside down and inside out. Often they highlight a feeling of longing deep within me. A feeling that I rarely hang out in. I am a pragmatist. I feel whatever feelings come along but if they do not move me where I desire to be I pay little attention to them and move on.

Longing - deep yearning or desire for something. I have had inexplicable moments of longing for all of my life. Sometimes, in the past, I could pin it on something like wanting a lover/boyfriend, or being somewhere else, or even pictures of the Universe. Real images or not, they bring about a sense of longing, like I remember a time when I lived amongst them, so much more than I do now.

I think we all experience longing. A huge part of grief is longing. Longing that things could have been different. As a parent of a child who died the longing can be intense. It is your job to keep your child safe. The belief that if you or someone else would have done something different, your child would still be here, alive.... It can be very heavy. In my grief experience that is something I chose to explore very rarely. And that is not a judgment towards anyone, including myself. Everyone's experience of grief is different. For me I found it impractical. I focused on the raw pain, deep sadness and even rage from the experience. But, what was done was done. If anything like that happened again I would make some different choices but I could not change the past. Nor could I change the fact that my son was dead.

And then a song like this comes along. It's been out since 2011 but I am hearing it and feeling it now and I cannot stop listening.

The longing it elicits is not connected to any one thing; a relationship, being somewhere else, what could be, what used to be, the Universe, the life of my Eli... but rather all of it.

I can say that the feelings of inexplicable longing are more poignant, powerful, timeless and common since the death of my son. So I am listening to this song over and over again and crying. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this and listen to the song. And I feel that in this seemingly strangeness or even silliness that there is healing that is occurring with each replay. It's like another part of me is being opened up and released through my tears every time the song starts again.

My son and his death truly has been and continues to be the crack in my being that lets the light in.

Education Soap Box

Soap box.

This is where our American exceptionalism causes blind spots in the vision of our country. Finland is just one of many countries that are doing education better than us. And they did this turn around powerfully and quickly. We are fools if we don't look at what other countries are doing successfully and see what we can learn and implement in our country. There are examples of some schools in the US that are doing things like this and showing positive changes.

We are failing our children and our country with our currently accepted educational model. Educated children make educated adults who then make educated decisions as law makers and leaders. We need this. Our reliance on military might and our immense economy to define us as a world leader is floundering. Our ability to force others to see and treat us as "special" is crumbling.

I wonder why we now see this phenomenon of our children hating school. Some like to call them entitled and spoiled and in some instances I am sure that is true. It's human nature for some people to be that way. The bigger problem I see is that the educational system does not treat them as dynamic, evolving humans. There are amazing teachers who do and they are the people who are saving the children from a system that is set up to dehumanize them, even if that is not the plan, that is what happening. These children know it could be better and they are fighting for that by controlling the only thing they can control, themselves and their minds. They check out and refuse to participate.

One of the things I have learned from my son is to follow his lead. He knows what works for him. How do I know this? Because he succeeds when I let him show me what he needs. This does not mean that he gets to do whatever he wants. I say no to him more than any other person on this planet. What it means is that I trust his inherent intelligence. All children have this inherent intelligence, that's what playing helps to grow. We need to use their intelligence for them/with them to have successful educated children.

Facebook Video

April is Autism Awareness Month

On May 27, 2013, at 2 years and 9 months old, Nolan received a diagnosis of severe autism. He hit 11 out of 12 diagnostic points of autism in his 3 evaluations with the developmental pediatrician over the previous 6 months. He was completely non verbal at the time with limited social interaction outside of those he saw on a daily basis, zero safety awareness, limited environmental awareness, extremely high pain tolerance, global developmental delays, severe sensory challenges, challenged executive functioning and while strong his gross motor functions were highly disorganized. His sensory meltdowns were very scary to him.

He was also affectionate, loved to laugh, be tickled, and kissed. He loved to play in the water and with bubbles. Playing in the sand was ecstatic for him. He had no idea how to and no interest in playing with toys but he LOVED colors, shapes, letters and words. And Baby Einstein??? We lived those DVD's for years...

Nolan has had anywhere from 10-20 hours a therapy a week for over 2 years along with attending developmental preschool for 10 hours a week during the school year for almost 3 years.

Since that day in 2013 I have seen his development explode. He started making his daily rainbows. He talks now and is able to say what he wants, what he likes, what he needs. He tells me he loves me. He calls me mommy, or mama. He says hello and goodbye to people by name. He has mastered his ipad and all the games on it. His love of music is his own and his ipod and blue tooth speaker are his constant companions. He loves airplanes, school buses and cars and is now playing with them. He rocks at puzzles and is reading, writing and learning how to ride a bike.

This is the reality of an autism diagnosis in our family. Some days he might look like any other big 5 year old boy, he's almost 4 ft tall. Other days he might look like a spoiled brat. Other days he might very obviously look like he has autism, however you think that looks.

But every single day he is my Rainbow Maker.
His future is limitless.
His potential, endless.

April is Autism Awareness month.
Be ready to be made aware.

Love and Rainbows,
Nolan, The Rainbow Maker, and his mom.

If you would like to follow my son's experiences in life and autism please join us on his Facebook page. Click here.

Regrets

For most of my life I actually have had very few regrets in my life. I have almost always done what I thought was best based off of my internal guidance and intuition. It has guided me well. The only times it has faltered were in times of fear. As with most people, when I am in fear I am unable to tap into my inner knowing, listen to the wisdom and do what I knew was right for me and my life. My TTTS pregnancy, hospitalization, birth and the boys NICU stay was a time of deep, cell shattering fear. Not fear for me, never fear for me but fear for my boys and their lives.

So why do I bring this up now? A couple of friends of mine posted on facebook a wonderful video a loving family created to chronicle their child's 10 day life on this earth. So many pictures with family and friends. Time spent together with clear knowledge that every moment was a moment stolen and a gift of love. While I know that there were tears and pain and sadness, this beautiful family seems to have been able to remain in the beauty and love of the moment. They were present and loving what was now. Here is the video, if you wish to watch it.

And so I regret....
I know that my love and joy for Eli's life was as strong and powerful as the lovely family in the video
And
I was so filled with fear and physically exhausted from the experience of TTTS I did not share the amazingness of my boys during my pregnancy. My sister asked for pictures of my pregnant belly and I straight up refused. I am saddened that I do not have more of those. I am saddened that I did not have more joy during my pregnancy. I did not speak to people while I was in the hospital on bed rest nor did I want anyone to visit me. It was fear, all fear, for what might happen. I was frozen inside and I internalized it all.

Now of course I could have never guessed that Eli would catch an infection and end up dying from that infection before he was 2 weeks old. And I wish I had more pictures of him and his family members who came to see him. I wish I would have made a point of others seeing him. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I could say that TTTS took all this from me and in part it would be true. But if I were to be as true and honest as I possibly can be, from the deepest part of my being, I would have to admit that it was my fear of the future and what might happen that truly took away the moments I now regret never happening during Eli's life. I know that I had every right in the world to be as fearful as I was and I have been complimented on just how strong and brave I was. And now almost 3.5 years later I can understand and say publicly that my fear stole things from me just like TTTS did. I had little control over the TTTS. I had complete control over my fear.

So, what do I do now?
I grieve and forgive all that I believe I lost due to my overriding fears.  Once I have done that I will begin to choose a different way of being. I have understood for a long time that fear of the future steals from the love and the beauty of now. I am finally strong enough to experience the grief of my fear, heal it and choose to be different for myself and Nolan. Always with a undying love and gratitude to one of my most beautiful of teachers, my son Eli.

I let go of my fear and regrets, forgive, and move forward and learn how to choose love over fear
Every
Single
Time

25 Events of 2013 - In No Particular Order

    1.       We got Nolan’s official diagnosis in May – severe autism.

    2.       A beautiful friend of mine died unexpectedly in his sleep in February – I miss you John.

    3.       Finally had the finances to do some of the things I had been wanting to do in Eli’s name since he died in 2010. Every single penny and every single moment was worth it. 

    4.       I became a published author again! Thanks Tova!  

    5.       Police, CPS, family court and lawyer’s fees – oh my……

    6.       Nolan started developmental preschool. He is absolutely thriving there.

    7.       Helped support some fellow baby loss moms in connecting with their child on the other side, on their own.

    8.       Started back to college to finish my degree. My sister was my inspiration.

    9.       I have heard my little man’s voice. Nolan finally picked up the first sign. We had been working on it for months and he hasn’t looked back. He’s now up to 5 and starting to sing the alphabet.

   10.    I didn’t get to see my niece and nephews in Tucson as much as I wanted to this year. I miss them.

   11.    Took HUGE steps in healing old wounds, forgiveness of myself and others, reclaiming my power and remembering to trust in the Universe.

   12.    Months and months and months of being up 2-4 hours in the middle of the night with a little boy who doesn't sleep well.

   13.    Amazing moments of cuddling, silliness and love with my little one in those 2-4 hours of middle of the night awakeness.

   14.    Knowing I am stronger than I ever thought I was, and I have always thought I was pretty strong.

   15.    Finally coming to the point of starting to create holiday traditions for my little family. It has been a hard road.

   16.    Understanding that the new year doesn’t move me further away from Eli. He comes with us.

   17.    My little man sat on Santa’s lap!

   18.    The loss of some old friendships.

   19.    The gain of some new friendships.

   20.    Knowing how lucky I am to have my client base, some who have been with me for years now and they always recommend me to others.

   21.    Being acknowledged as a spiritual mentor to a wildly successful, beautiful and spirited young woman.

   22.    Being told yesterday that I do not look anywhere near 45. I feel like the past 4 years have aged me more than any other time in my life. 

   23.    I finished Eli’s picture book and got his beautiful Molly Bear.

   24.    I am honored to continue to be a faculty member at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts.

   25.    Remembering in all of this that I choose what it means. And I know it means I am blessed.

Philosophy 101

I started my classes this Monday and it looks like I am going to be doing a LOT of writing. I thought it would be fun to share some of my work on my blog too.
This post has some of my response to my first assignment in Philosophy.

My philosophy of life is to love. I desire to see the love in my life, in this world. I believe that love is the driving force of the Universe; it is the glue that connects us. For me, love is another word for what many people call God. This love I speak of is love at it’s highest vibration, not "I love toast" but love as a verb. Love as a way that we choose to see the world. Love as a way we choose to approach others. Love as a way to change our world. “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dalai Lama.

Love is my philosophy. Everything I do, say, think, believe is put up against what I understand Love to mean. If I am making a choice or taking an action that does not resonate as a loving choice I look to change it immediately. If I cannot change it immediately then I know there is an opportunity to grow my awareness and my depth so that I can take an action or make a choice that is in love. This love is not localized but universalized, to love others as myself and to love myself as others. I am responsible for me. I carry a specialized responsibility for my children. I am responsible for you. That is my philosophy of love in action. The love I speak of is not the attached form of human love, which is extremely important for humans, but the detached love for all and every thing. The love I speak of is the love that does not need to control or need to feel needed but simply allows. Sometimes seeing that love in the pain of our everyday lives is the most difficult and challenging thing to do but it has been my experience that it is always worth it.

As a human being who has seen ugliness and violence in life I have to believe that there is something deeper and more, something under the fear that being human brings. As I worked to heal the trauma of a violent rape, I was forced to go past hatred or victimhood, because regardless of how valid those feelings were, neither of them helped me heal or forgive. And healing and forgiving was the only way I could see to save myself from my own pain. It was in that process that that philosophy of love introduced itself to me. If I could go deeper than I have ever gone to see my trauma through the eyes of love I might, just might, make it out of the hole of rage and fear I was in. And yes, it was love that saved me. Not the love of someone else, human or otherwise, but my ability to see my experience with the eyes of love. That is what helped me to heal. I began to experience and understand the difference between the attached human love and the unattached Universal love. I reached this state through analyzing my thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. I forced myself to entertain concepts that seemed foreign to me. In the end I let go of what did not ring as true and kept what made sense to me and my experiences. And that is Love as a way of life. Love as a philosophy.

See Love

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 26

Small Celebration

I officially re -enrolled in college! 

I signed up for four classes today. I decided to work on finishing my bachelors and I even changed my field of study. I have about 1/2 the credits needed. I was focusing on psychology, a natural for me, but it never completely resonated for me. I never wanted to be a therapist. Life coach, hypnotherapist? Yes. Therapist? No. So, after the many changes and challenges I have experienced over the past couple of years I have realized that what I truly, truly wish to do is use my voice, my words and share my passion for communication. :) 

I learned so much about communication in my years as an airline employee. I watched how people talk to each other when they are stressed, fearful, in pain and in joy. In all my years with the airlines it is very possible I have watched over a million people be and act. I learned how to talk to people who were crying, sick, drunk, screaming in anger. And on a couple of really bad days I learned how to manage a riot. I learned how to be confident even when I was shaking in my shoes, because the group needed someone to be a confident leader. I learned how to keep 137 people interested in a safety demo on the plane. The key was being interested in what I was saying. If I was interested they were more likely to listen to me. So I made it a game, made it fun. I learned how to calm the energy of an entire aircraft of people with what I said and how I said it. I announced to the passengers on my plane getting ready to depart San Diego on September 11, 2001 what had happened in New York and DC, and what was going to happen next with their flight. The Captain and the First Officer refused to make an announcement to the passengers on board so as the first flight attendant, I did.

Then I started classes at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts and I learned about "holding space", being neutral and grounded. Being centered and coming from an open heart space, listening in love and acceptance. I learned that sometimes when I speak it comes from a deeper more powerful place than my own simple human wisdom. I learned how to honor the place someone was in and not judge. I started to see how these simple acts of communication changed the entire experience of a conversation. It is amazing what can and will occur when the person(s) you are speaking with  knows that they are safe, truly safe, with you. There is healing in that space. I learned it and then I started teaching it.

And most recently, my sons have helped me to learn how to have deeply intimate conversations and remain detached from the outcome. I learned that sometimes the best and most loving act of communication I can do is to listen quietly and offer love. I learned that we are actually empowered when we can speak of our own fears, pain and weaknessness. 

And now recently I have been feeling limited in the work I have been doing and what I wish to do because I do not have a degree. It is time to change that. I have much to learn. I have much to teach. I have much to create and I understand that now is the time for the next step. And so, a bachelors in communication here I come!

I am grateful to the million + people who have taught me these things. Whether they were in my life for a decades or for a moment. And I am grateful for the millions more I have to learn from. I am celebrating.

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 17

Small Celebration

I am late on this one. I'm sorry.

I got a phone call from a friend last night. Her husband was in the ICU from a gunshot wound.

I left my house at about 7p and stayed with her until some family were able to make it in from out of town.

I am celebrating the bullet only hitting his lungs and not his heart. I am celebrating the quick response from the medical staff to save his life. I am celebrating that his light is still shining on this earth. 

I got home at 3a this morning. Soon I am hoping to celebrate my son taking a a nap today so that I can take one too.

Love to all of you.

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 11

Small Celebration

Nolan has been talking up a storm. Of course he is using his own language and I don't have a Rosetta stone for it but we have been making it through okay.

And then today he said "mom". That is a daily occurrence now. Yay!  But it gets even better than that.

After saying mom he said something that sounded just like "I love you." 

Is that what he really said? I have no clue but I know that in my world, in my mind, in my heart that is exactly what my little boy said to me today.

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 8

Small Celebration

This year's Christmas cards where delivered today. Since my boys were born I have been doing a photo card. This year I found a card that I loved. It was the first one I saw when I went on the Vista Print web site.

Peace, Love and Joy

Peace is my Eli. I know that peace is in his soul. I feel that peace radiate from him when his presence fills my space, my mind.

Love is me. I remember when I understood that to Love was the reason for my life. My boys have taught me more about love than I could have ever imagined. I know they were meant to be my sons. And I was meant to be their mother.

Joy is my Nolan. His existence in my life brings me unmitigated joy. It thrills me when he expresses his absolute joy. Just chasing around the house saying "mommy's gonna get you!" brings out his joy. The smile on his face could light up Phoenix for a month.

And finally, I decided on the first Christmas of my family that every Christmas card would have a star on it, somewhere. It would be my way of knowing that even though Eli may not be in the picture or sign his name on the card, he would be there. My son who plays amongst the stars. 

I love my Christmas cards this year.

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 3

Small Celebration

Nolan has a difficult time getting to sleep sometimes. I think it might be related to his sensory issues but I don't know for sure. It is something to talk to the developmental pediatrician about when Nolan has his appointment in a couple of weeks. So today at nap time he was yawning, rubbing his eyes and rolling around on the floor crying so I took him up to bed. He laid down immediately, curled up and closed his eyes. And then for some unknown reason 25 minutes later he was up. I have learned that when this happens I often need to go in to "remind" him that he was going to sleep. So I get him out of the crib and sit down in the rocking chair in his room.  I love these times together. It's just he and I. During the day Nolan is so busy that his hugs last about 2-3 seconds until he is off to do something else, but during these nap times he is happy to sit quietly in my lap. We giggle, sing, play hand/finger games. He likes to take off my glasses and play with my eyelashes. He thinks it's hilarious. That quiet, cuddly time is precious to me and it seems to be to him too because he calmed down and when I laid him back down he was quiet and asleep 10 minutes later. Maybe he just needed some alone time with mommy. Or maybe he knew I needed some alone time with Nolan.

This was taken a couple of months ago but here is a picture of my little boy in his crib "reading" his book. With his sweet little "I just woke up" face.

Speak strongly, boldly or don't bother.

When I started this blog it was to share my journey through the grief of my pregnancy and the loss of one of my sons. I plan on continuing to do this.
And
Now that I am two years out from the pregnancy and Eli's death life has happened, as it always does, I have faced some other things, thyroid cancer, car accident, having an ovary removed
And
Now I am working to understand the challenges of raising a beautiful and amazing son who has some special needs that may or may not be life long.

This is where my recent writing struggles have come in. I can share, intensely and honestly, my personal experiences, my pain, my challenges, my life and in many cases have done so fearlessly. Now with the events of the past couple of months a fear has set in. For me to write about what has been taking my time, energy and love requires that I start to speak of Nolan's challenges. It is no longer about my pain. It becomes about Nolan's life. If I write honestly about what is going on in our life I could possibly open him up to judgements, bullying, cruelty, misperceptions due to his current challenges. Nothing posted on the internet ever completely disappears. With so many situations of children being cruelly treated by others, children and adults, I have become scared for what I might share and how it will effect Nolan in the future. It is no longer my life I am writing about. It is Nolan's.

EVERY SINGLE TIME I post I struggle with these thoughts. To think I might ever write something that could come back to harm my son haunts me
And
I know, for myself, I need to speak/write honestly and nakedly or it is a waste of my time. Speak strongly, boldly or don't bother. So, as I see it right now, I can choose to trust in the beauty of humanity and the Divine and know that the journey with my son is guided and protected and designed to share and empower others.
Or
I can live in the fear of possible judgments of unknown people that may never occur.

I know myself. I cannot make a choice in fear. That goes against everything I believe and everything I wish to teach my son about living in this human world.

So, I believe you will be seeing more about my and Nolan's experiences with his therapies and possible future diagnoses.
At least that is what I believe right now.

Sensory Disorders, Autism Evaluation and "I am right. You are wrong."

Yesterday was an interesting day. I want to talk about it but before I do, here is some back story. For those of you who have been following my blog you noticed that I only posted once in July and then not at all in August. There were some things going on with Nolan that I needed to get a grasp on before I would talk about it.

In June I took Nolan to his pediatrician to talk about the fact that he was not talking, at all, not even mama or no! At this point he was almost 21 months, 18 adjusted (due to his premature birth). By all standards he was behind in speech. At that point I had also noticed that sitting still and reading a book was almost impossible and he had started to spin when he would get stressed out. He did not always respond to his name and would not look at people he did not know in the eyes. The doctor referred us to Early Intervention and after SIX different evaluations by eight different people I was advised that he was significantly delayed in speech with moderate cognitive delays. Now I know that many of the people evaluating him did not see the him the way I see him because he was stressed out with them in his home, but to say that I was heart broken would be an understatement. I know his intelligence. I see it daily.

Fast forward a couple of months and Nolan is now getting weekly therapy appointments with a speech and occupational therapist and it has been discussed that he has some sensory processing disorders, mixed to be exact. He seeks visual and tactile sensory input AND he can get overwhelmed and over sensitized by the input he seeks.  So it is a constant balancing act to keep him stimulated and protect him from getting over stimulated. That is what the occupational therapist helps me to understand. She helps me to find him appropriate and satisfying sensory play. Here is the web site on it if you would like more info on sensory processing disorders http://www.sinetwork.org/index.html. The speech therapist helps him create/build his communication skills. I also started with the alternative therapy NAET, which I will talk more about later but here is the website if you want more info http://naet.com/Patients/patientshome.aspx.

And finally Nolan is scheduled next Friday with his first appointment with a developmental pediatrician for Autism evaluation. Which I will talk more about, again, at another time.

So I was cruising the internet at 2am yesterday morning because I could not sleep. Nolan was awake and I had a bitch of a migraine. I was looking up info on Autism and twins, ID or fraternal.  I thought I found a study that said identical twins are diagnosed with Autism more often then fraternal twins or singletons. And I asked if anyone else on one of the TTTS facebook pages I am on had ever heard of this. It started a long discussion about Autism, which happens almost anytime it is mentioned since there are many different people who believe there are many different causes, including that it is not a real diagnosis. Anyway, I got into a disagreement with another TTTS mom and in the end I could not find the link of the study I thought I had seen. I got snappy with her and ended up feeling let down with myself. She expressed that she needed to believe that Autism was genetic because that made it less scary to other TTTS parents. I learned that I needed to believe that Autism was due, at least partially, to environmental causes because then I felt like I had some control over it. I well know that it is our attachment to being right, or thinking we have control can lead us to great pain in our lives. And I know that I am very attached to this, right now at least.

What hit me after much of the discussion had ended was that I was feeling out of control. That there was one more thing to deal with that I did not choose to happen, especially not to one of my sons. I was fighting to believe that there was something I could do to change or alter the possibility of an Autism diagnosis for my beautiful Super Hero Nolan and that caused me to fight with someone else over something as silly as what causes Autism. Don't get me wrong, the effects and challenges of the symptoms of Autism are not silly but to fight with someone about why it occurs or even what it is, THAT is silly. But we were both attached to what we needed to believe to keep us feeling safe and empowered. I got sucked into the game.

Just when I think I have healed from many of the recent things in my life, something else happens and it takes me back to the beginning of my pregnancy. There has been little breathing room, little pause, little quiet and very little adjustment time between. And then when I get attached to an outcome, when I need to be right, like with the Autism discussion, I get angry, frustrated, scared, unhappy and rude. I am continually being given the opportunity to detach in the most intimate and important parts of my life, my and my son's health and well being. I am working on it Universe. I am working on it. I understand that am being pushed to remember that my power DOES NOT come from fighting with someone about their beliefs or perceptions but it comes from my willingness to take what I am given and create something new. That is my true spiritual strength. And - dear Universe, if you would be willing to give me some moments of calm in between, it would be beautiful.

I will end this post with a moment of calm I found between Tobey, the family cat, and Nolan.

I feel very lucky to have caught this image.

PS - This is a rewrite of the "Random Events Overload" post. I deleted that post after realizing that it wasn't really saying what I really wanted to say. :)

It's 1am

It is exactly 1:06am and I am up and looking at pictures of identical twins. Why in the hell would she be doing that, you might be asking... I am not sure I know the answer. Because I miss my identical twin boys. They are not identical now. Why is that important? I don't know. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is just that one of my boys is here with me and one is not. And right now at 1:11am I am feeling it. Not crying though. I am feeling resignation and anger all at the same time. Resignation - it is what it is and there is nothing for me to do to change it. Anger - it is what it is and there is nothing for me to do to change it. One reason, two emotions.

This grief is not for the weak and you cannot know how I wish I could be done with it. I cannot count how many times I have heard "The grief does not end. It changes." and I know that my love for Eli will not end just be transformed, as it already has. Thing is, I am not really feeling all that transformed right now.

As another mother who also lost one of her twins to TTTS just said, "but I've had more good days than bad but there are still days I don't want to get out of bed.." I understand that sentiment. I have lived that sentiment. This process truly is a process that demands the choice to continue getting up and living every single day and sometimes, on bad days, every single hour.  It is a repeated choice. I am blessed to have this choice, and yet, I still wish, sometimes, to not get out of bed and to hide from my life, just for a little bit. Truth is though, that does not work either. It is actually easier to get up, get out, live, laugh and love, love and love some more. But sometimes I still wish.

I am having some of my TTTS friends going through VERY difficult times right now. One beautiful mama had to put herself into a mental health facility to try to support her grieving process. Because grief is ugly but grief that is stuck feels evil to the soul. Another beautiful mama just found out her 3 week old rainbow son has neuroblastoma. What do you say to a mother who lost both of her little girls to TTTS and when she goes on to have her rainbow baby she learns he has cancer? I don't know, so all I have is I love you and I support you in anyway I can.

I would humbly ask that you hold these mama's and their families in your prayers or in love and light or whatever it is that you do to keep hope and strength and courage and love flowing their way.

It is now 1:26a. I believe I am done looking at pictures of identical twins now. It is time for me to sleep. So I will end with the picture of my beautiful little boy. This is his thank you card to everyone who came to his and Eli's 2nd birthday party. It was a great turn out.  :)

In a Moment

"No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.." ~ Reverend Safire Rose

Yes, I am repeating myself. The above was taken from the poem "Letting Go" that I posted last month. I am repeating myself because this has just happened to me.

I have been living my life in fear for the past two years. Starting with my single parent unplanned twin pregnancy (a gift from the Universe that terrified me) up until just hours ago and something just happened. I decided it would stop - all of it. I was sick and tired of being scared. Maybe I have had many reasons to be fearful recently but I decided I was done. It was literally in one exhale of breath I was done. It just disappeared with my decision. And suddenly I feel like I want to shine again.

Actually I think it has been occurring over the past couple of days/weeks. I made a to do list of things I need to do and things I want to do. I have made doing things I want to do as important as those things I need to do. That is a change in my recent perspective. One of the things on my list was get a pedicure. When it came down to it I knew I wouldn't go pay for one BUT I did know that I would do one myself. I use to have the smoothest prettiest feet around but I stopped pampering my feet when I got pregnant - my belly got in the way - and I just never picked it up again. So I went to my favorite store and got inspired with all the bright colors available and had Nolan help me choose a hot pink and a dark sparkly blue. I went with a hot pink and gave myself one of my old fashion pedicures. Now why had I been putting it off? There are other things I have started doing, taking my vitamins regularly, slowly improving the quality of food that I eat. On the past couple of Saturday mornings my mom, Nolan and I pack ourselves up and go to the local farmers market to pick up and try new yummy, healthy foods. I am scheduling fun time and not just doctors appointments. I finally got my hair done! I even went through and deleted some "friends" from my facebook account. ;)

It's like I got my fire back. While I believe I had been moving towards it slowly it all came together in that one breath and I let go. It was silent. I was in a department store and no one in Ross knew what happened

- But I did. That letting go is like that, a quiet and immense shift in energy. I feel like my fire is back. I am going to love my sons, say and do what I want and f*#k the fear!

Fear is a heavy cloak to wear and I have been hiding underneath it in what I thought was self preservation. But it was not. Now I wish I could say that I will not be scared again. There is a good possibility that I will be. I am living in a human body and fear is common in this place. And I am sure I will be sad. But I will experience that if/when it appears. For right now - for this moment. I am letting go and not living in it anymore. One of the cruelest things that fear does is keep us distanced from the very things that could kill that fear by bringing us joy. That is the biggest lie of fear and I am done living in it. I am living my life, however it goes.

And it happened in a moment of letting go.

"Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames." ~ Rumi

"I am willing to let go of...."

“You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance every second.” – Not sure who said this.

Sometimes we know we need to change something or many things in our life but still feel stuck, don’t know how to go about it or don’t know what it looks like or don’t know how it can be done. Been there. Done that. Have been doing it again.

Sometimes Life whispers in your ear and you get it, sometimes Life smacks you in the head and you get it or sometimes, if you’re really special like me, Life smacks you in the head a couple of times and you get it. Suffice it to say that as of today, I have been smacked enough Life, I get it!

About the death of my Eli. I love my sweet boy forever and I have a soul connection to him. I will always cherish my 6+ months of carrying him and his brother and the 11 days outside of my womb that I was gifted with his spirit in human form. We had our mommy and son moments on this earth, just he and I, not anywhere near as many as I wanted in this life but they are ours and in my heart. I will continue to do things in my life in my love for him; by myself, with my family and friends and with Nolan. Eli cracked my heart wide open and created such space for compassion, patience and love. And right now I am not living from that place of fullness like I know I can. I have been too busy thinking. Thinking one thought. Over and over and over again. And it hurts every time I think it. So I think it might be time to stop. So here it goes.

As of today, as of this moment, I am willing to let go of seeing Nolan and thinking “There should be two.” It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME I think it and that serves no one. It does no good for anyone, especially me. One of the biggest curses/gifts of losing one of my identical twin boys is that I know that at one time there was a mirror image of Nolan on this earth. So I have a good idea what Eli would have looked like now and how he would have been AND I don’t really know what Eli would have looked like now or how he would have been. So, I have Nolan my earth baby and Eli my angel baby. I have two sons and my arms only hold one now. The other lives in my heart, my mind, my spirit. Eli is in the sunset, the starry night, the visiting butterfly and in the trees that dance in the wind (Nolan’s favorite). Thinking that there should be two, tears at my heart. There was two and now there is one. Who is to say how it should or should not be? The easiest answer, the answer that lets my heart rest and shuts off my mind is - what should have happened is what did happen. I give up. I surrender. Fighting what is real hurts too much.

So as of today, as of this moment

I am willing to let go of seeing Nolan and thinking “There should be two”.
Nolan, Eli and I deserve so much more.

I love you Nolan.

I love you Eli.

I love you Piperlyne.