It is exactly 1:06am and I am up and looking at pictures of identical twins. Why in the hell would she be doing that, you might be asking... I am not sure I know the answer. Because I miss my identical twin boys. They are not identical now. Why is that important? I don't know. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is just that one of my boys is here with me and one is not. And right now at 1:11am I am feeling it. Not crying though. I am feeling resignation and anger all at the same time. Resignation - it is what it is and there is nothing for me to do to change it. Anger - it is what it is and there is nothing for me to do to change it. One reason, two emotions.
This grief is not for the weak and you cannot know how I wish I could be done with it. I cannot count how many times I have heard "The grief does not end. It changes." and I know that my love for Eli will not end just be transformed, as it already has. Thing is, I am not really feeling all that transformed right now.
As another mother who also lost one of her twins to TTTS just said, "but I've had more good days than bad but there are still days I don't want to get out of bed.." I understand that sentiment. I have lived that sentiment. This process truly is a process that demands the choice to continue getting up and living every single day and sometimes, on bad days, every single hour. It is a repeated choice. I am blessed to have this choice, and yet, I still wish, sometimes, to not get out of bed and to hide from my life, just for a little bit. Truth is though, that does not work either. It is actually easier to get up, get out, live, laugh and love, love and love some more. But sometimes I still wish.
I am having some of my TTTS friends going through VERY difficult times right now. One beautiful mama had to put herself into a mental health facility to try to support her grieving process. Because grief is ugly but grief that is stuck feels evil to the soul. Another beautiful mama just found out her 3 week old rainbow son has neuroblastoma. What do you say to a mother who lost both of her little girls to TTTS and when she goes on to have her rainbow baby she learns he has cancer? I don't know, so all I have is I love you and I support you in anyway I can.
I would humbly ask that you hold these mama's and their families in your prayers or in love and light or whatever it is that you do to keep hope and strength and courage and love flowing their way.
It is now 1:26a. I believe I am done looking at pictures of identical twins now. It is time for me to sleep. So I will end with the picture of my beautiful little boy. This is his thank you card to everyone who came to his and Eli's 2nd birthday party. It was a great turn out. :)