Yes, I am repeating myself. The above was taken from the poem "Letting Go" that I posted last month. I am repeating myself because this has just happened to me.
I have been living my life in fear for the past two years. Starting with my single parent unplanned twin pregnancy (a gift from the Universe that terrified me) up until just hours ago and something just happened. I decided it would stop - all of it. I was sick and tired of being scared. Maybe I have had many reasons to be fearful recently but I decided I was done. It was literally in one exhale of breath I was done. It just disappeared with my decision. And suddenly I feel like I want to shine again.
Actually I think it has been occurring over the past couple of days/weeks. I made a to do list of things I need to do and things I want to do. I have made doing things I want to do as important as those things I need to do. That is a change in my recent perspective. One of the things on my list was get a pedicure. When it came down to it I knew I wouldn't go pay for one BUT I did know that I would do one myself. I use to have the smoothest prettiest feet around but I stopped pampering my feet when I got pregnant - my belly got in the way - and I just never picked it up again. So I went to my favorite store and got inspired with all the bright colors available and had Nolan help me choose a hot pink and a dark sparkly blue. I went with a hot pink and gave myself one of my old fashion pedicures. Now why had I been putting it off? There are other things I have started doing, taking my vitamins regularly, slowly improving the quality of food that I eat. On the past couple of Saturday mornings my mom, Nolan and I pack ourselves up and go to the local farmers market to pick up and try new yummy, healthy foods. I am scheduling fun time and not just doctors appointments. I finally got my hair done! I even went through and deleted some "friends" from my facebook account. ;)
It's like I got my fire back. While I believe I had been moving towards it slowly it all came together in that one breath and I let go. It was silent. I was in a department store and no one in Ross knew what happened
- But I did. That letting go is like that, a quiet and immense shift in energy. I feel like my fire is back. I am going to love my sons, say and do what I want and f*#k the fear!
Fear is a heavy cloak to wear and I have been hiding underneath it in what I thought was self preservation. But it was not. Now I wish I could say that I will not be scared again. There is a good possibility that I will be. I am living in a human body and fear is common in this place. And I am sure I will be sad. But I will experience that if/when it appears. For right now - for this moment. I am letting go and not living in it anymore. One of the cruelest things that fear does is keep us distanced from the very things that could kill that fear by bringing us joy. That is the biggest lie of fear and I am done living in it. I am living my life, however it goes.
And it happened in a moment of letting go.