Wednesday, July 20, 2011


You are a child of the Universe.
You are a child of God.
The Light of God shines down upon you
through you
and radiates from you.
You are a being of Light
Your Angels and Beings of the Highest Divine Light
Surround you, comfort you, hold you, guide you, love you, support you and keep you safe.
And so it is.

I started repeating this blessing to Nolan while he was still in the NICU shortly after Eli's death. It helped me to remember that he was always watched over.
It is also important that I make sure that Nolan never forgets who he REALLY is. That he really is all of the above. We all are.

Monday, July 11, 2011

July 12, 2010

Yes - you read that title right July 12, 2010. That is when my happy twin pregnancy bubble began to burst..... That was the day that I first heard the term Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome - another acronym.... I had already experienced, last year, how a seemingly innocent combination of letters like CDH (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia) can bring great heartache by experiencing my nephew's birth and death in May but now another acronym was being attached to my boys and their lives - TTTS.

Recently I have been thinking back to when I was pregnant with the boys last year. I remember how strangers would cry when they talked to me about my boys. This was well before TTTS shoved it's way into my life. I always thought it was odd that strangers would cry about a very happy experience. They thought it was odd too and would comment that they did not know why they were crying.... Maybe because somehow, someway I was already carrying the energy of a mother who would lose one of her children? I don't know but I do know that it WAS odd....

Today was an emotional day because of the date tomorrow, how it changed my life and because my brother and sister in law had their level 2 ultra sound today for their rainbow baby. That was when they learned of their first son's complications, just like me. I so want a healthy, happy baby for them. They learned today that all looks good and that they are having another boy! Yay!

So with my thoughts going back a year ago I wanted to copy my blog post last year about July 12, 2010

"July 12th, the big day when I got to find out if the babies were boys or girls. The opinions were split 70/30 in favor of girls. That was my guess too. 70% of us were wrong. They are boys! Very obviously boys as both of them showed off their “boy parts”. Two active, inquisitive little boys, oh my….

But that was not the only news I got. This ultra sound was a full one with the measuring of everything on each baby. They found some differences in size and in the amount of fluid in each baby’s sac. All of these things pointed to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, TTTS. Of course I had never heard of such a thing. It is fairly rare. It only happens about 10% of all identical twin pregnancies, around 2000-3000 a year. I was supposed to travel to Portland to visit friends and family later that week. When I asked the doctor about going, her response was. “If you miscarry you will do it whether you are here or there so go and enjoy yourself.” Not a response I was impressed by. I chose not to go…. The doctor also recommended that I get an amniocentesis done to check for genetic issues, which I refused. She did recommend a perinatalogist group for me to follow up with.

I went home shaken in shock and fear, getting on the internet I found the I read everything, emailed the foundation and immediately started on the recommended diet of extra protein and iron by drinking 2 Boosts drinks a day. I heard back from the foundation and they recommended that I meet with Dr. John Elliott if I could. He was on the TTTS board and actually had come up with the first procedure to help with the syndrome in the 80’s. Before he introduced the procedure of amnio reduction the mortality rate was 90%. His introduction of this procedure dropped it about 30%. As it turned out Dr Elliott was a doctor with the group I was referred to. I made an appt with him for a couple of days later.

I went in for my appt with Dr Elliott, getting another complete ultra sound and a full sit down discussion on TTTS. Dr Elliott choose to NOT diagnose the boys with TTTS but he did recommend weekly ultra sounds to track their progress because the syndrome can move and change quickly….

So that was it. I found out my babies were boys and I got to enjoy that news for approximately 10 minutes before the words twin to twin transfusion syndrome were said. Well, at least one of the expert doctors on this was in town and was NOT diagnosing them yet. This had to be good, right?"

I love you my darlings Nolan and Eli.

I miss you my sweet Eli.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Body memory - Soul healing

Last week I saw a talented cranial sacral therapy (CST) practitioner. At the bottom of my post I have a link and some info on CST if you are interested. I have been receiving this therapy on and off for about 7 years and I have always received immense healing from every session. I had been having terrible headaches due to, I don't know, probably everything in my life this past year.....
Anyway, I had been wanting a session but the person I used to see moved away. So what happened? (I love how this works) A couple of months ago I mentioned to one of my clients that she may want to check into this type of therapy to help with her migraines. She had done many different traditional therapies including chiropractor and physical therapy to no avail. She found a CST practitioner on her own and saw her a couple of times then she came to see me again. I was amazed with how calm and even younger that she looked. She told me she found a CST practitioner and loves the work. She said her migraines were lessening in intensity and amount. She gave me her card.

I sat on it for awhile then I finally called. The session was powerful. To start, we chatted for a couple of minutes. She knew I had an infant son but I did not talk of his brother or our journey. She moved through the protocol of the therapy. I felt myself begin to relax. At one point I felt anger rise within me and I became aware of the anger I felt towards my body because it created an unsafe environment for my sons and could not carry them long enough to keep them safe after birth. I wasn't aware that I had been feeling this. The wonderful thing was as soon as I became aware of the feelings I felt them being pulling from my body. I let those feelings go.

As she continued the session she came to the place on my right side just below my rib cage where Eli had sat for much of the pregnancy. As soon as she place her fingers there I began to cry. While it did not surprise me that I would cry I was surprised by the depth of the grief that was released. As I laid there quietly sobbing I heard her say "I'm sorry." and I heard her tears. She remained with me that way for many minutes until I stopped. We were quiet until the session was done.

Afterwards I shared the story of my sons only to learn that she used to be a midwife and had experienced the death of a clients' baby. She was not a stranger to infant loss. It was one of the most nuturing, gentle, receptive, loving sessions I had ever experienced. I so recommend this type of therapy for anyone who is experiencing anxiety, grief, stress, PTSD.

And finally Monday was Nolan's first 4th of July.
Last year at this time I was pregnant, still innocent of TTTS and the outcome of it on the lives of me and my boys.....
This year Nolan saw sparklers for the first time.

I am blessed.

Here is some info on CST - Cranial Sacral Therapy

CST was pioneered and developed by osteopathic physician John E. Upledger following extensive scientific studies from 1975 to 1983 at Michigan State University, where he served as a clinical researcher and Professor of Biomechanics.

CST is a gentle, hands-on method of evaluating and enhancing the functioning of a physiological body system called the craniosacral system - comprised of the membranes and cerebrospinal fluid that surround and protect the brain and spinal cord.

Using a soft touch generally no greater than 5 grams, or about the weight of a nickel, practitioners release restrictions in the craniosacral system to improve the functioning of the central nervous system.

By complementing the body's natural healing processes, CST is increasingly used as a preventive health measure for its ability to bolster resistance to disease, and is effective for a wide range of medical problems associated with pain and dysfunction, including:
  • Migraine Headaches
  • Chronic Neck and Back Pain
  • Motor-Coordination Impairments
  • Colic
  • Autism
  • Central Nervous System Disorders
  • Orthopedic Problems
  • Traumatic Brain and Spinal Cord Injuries
  • Scoliosis
  • Infantile Disorders
  • Learning Disabilities
  • Chronic Fatigue
  • Emotional Difficulties
  • Stress and Tension-Related Problems
  • Fibromyalgia and other Connective-Tissue Disorders
  • Temporomandibular Joint Syndrome (TMJ)
  • Neurovascular or Immune Disorders
  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
  • Post-Surgical Dysfunction