Thursday, February 16, 2012

Not fair

Sometimes life is not fair. This is nothing new and anyone over 3 years old probably knows this already in some way or another
I was wandering through some March of Dimes stuff on the internet and I came across a statistic that I knew already, I remember it well but it still made me cry when I saw it.
There is a 90% survival rate for infants born at 27wks......
My sweet boys went from a 95%+ mortality rate due to TTTS to a 90% survival rate in premature birth. Nolan made it. Eli did not.
We fought hard. Beat the cruel odds of TTTS and just when I thought we were out of the woods Eli was gone. Another group of capital letters took his little body, NEC.
I still cry a couple times a week because of my grief over Eli's departure. But that's better than it used to be.

I am tired. I am in physical pain. I am missing my little boy tonight.
And so it is time for some pain meds, a muscle relaxer and some sleep for now.
When I wake up tomorrow I will see my Nolan's amazing smiling face and I will smile too.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Letting Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go. She didn't ask anyone for advice . She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.. ~ Reverend Safire Rose

This has been a reoccurring theme for my clients and in my own personal life recently.

Just let go. When does the trying and struggling end? Where does the knowing that you are doing enough that your Being is enough begin?

Breathe - accept - allow - choose - and act

or don't act.