Wednesday, March 7, 2012

"I am willing to let go of...."

“You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance every second.” – Not sure who said this.

Sometimes we know we need to change something or many things in our life but still feel stuck, don’t know how to go about it or don’t know what it looks like or don’t know how it can be done. Been there. Done that. Have been doing it again.

Sometimes Life whispers in your ear and you get it, sometimes Life smacks you in the head and you get it or sometimes, if you’re really special like me, Life smacks you in the head a couple of times and you get it. Suffice it to say that as of today, I have been smacked enough Life, I get it!

About the death of my Eli. I love my sweet boy forever and I have a soul connection to him. I will always cherish my 6+ months of carrying him and his brother and the 11 days outside of my womb that I was gifted with his spirit in human form. We had our mommy and son moments on this earth, just he and I, not anywhere near as many as I wanted in this life but they are ours and in my heart. I will continue to do things in my life in my love for him; by myself, with my family and friends and with Nolan. Eli cracked my heart wide open and created such space for compassion, patience and love. And right now I am not living from that place of fullness like I know I can. I have been too busy thinking. Thinking one thought. Over and over and over again. And it hurts every time I think it. So I think it might be time to stop. So here it goes.

As of today, as of this moment, I am willing to let go of seeing Nolan and thinking “There should be two.” It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME I think it and that serves no one. It does no good for anyone, especially me. One of the biggest curses/gifts of losing one of my identical twin boys is that I know that at one time there was a mirror image of Nolan on this earth. So I have a good idea what Eli would have looked like now and how he would have been AND I don’t really know what Eli would have looked like now or how he would have been. So, I have Nolan my earth baby and Eli my angel baby. I have two sons and my arms only hold one now. The other lives in my heart, my mind, my spirit. Eli is in the sunset, the starry night, the visiting butterfly and in the trees that dance in the wind (Nolan’s favorite). Thinking that there should be two, tears at my heart. There was two and now there is one. Who is to say how it should or should not be? The easiest answer, the answer that lets my heart rest and shuts off my mind is - what should have happened is what did happen. I give up. I surrender. Fighting what is real hurts too much.

So as of today, as of this moment

I am willing to let go of seeing Nolan and thinking “There should be two”.
Nolan, Eli and I deserve so much more.

I love you Nolan.

I love you Eli.

I love you Piperlyne.

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