Thursday, March 22, 2012
I got some good news for my birthday last week.
As it turned out, the ultra sounds and MRI's that had been done on my back because of the car accident showed something unexpected. A cyst on my right ovary. I have had ovarian cysts and endometreosis before so it was not a big surprise when another one was found. So I got my referral to the ob/gyn, made my appointment and showed up.
Now, I have to say that this was my first ob/gyn appt with a doctor that did not know the story of my boys and our fight for their lives. As I sat in the office filling out the paper work my mind kept going blank -
How many pregnancies?
How many live births?
How many living children?
How many surgeries?
I found that I would look at a question on the sheet and instead of answering it I relived the question and answer in my head and would completely forget what I was doing.. It took me a long time to complete the forms and a lot of deep breaths to keep the tears at bay.
Finally I completed everything and was called back to see the doctor. First time I had ever met him. He was very matter of fact, not unkind, just direct. Whenever we got anywhere close to my recent pregnancy I would feel myself floating away again. But mostly we talked about my past endometreosis and ovarian cysts. It was very comfortable and casual until he did the ultra sound. Suddenly his voice became serious as he started talking about cancer and possibly needing a hysterectomy. My head almost spun because of the quick change.
What he was seeing was a complex tumor, he said. Suddenly he dropped the term cyst and because of my family history with ovarian cancer he wanted this taken care of immediately. He told me that I was to get the CA-125 blood test for ovarian cancer. If it came back positive he would direct me to a gynecologist oncologist for an entire hysterectomy. Even though there are MANY false positives for this test, that was his plan. If it came back negative then he would remove my ovary himself. Either way, due to the type of tumor there was no allowing it to grow or burst on it's own as it could make me very sick and damage other internal organs. He sent me directly to the lab in the next medical building over and I felt like I was in shock...
All of this happened before the amazing experience of letting go of the previous post. It was actually the afternoon after this appointment that my fears dropped away but I did not want to post anything about the doctors appointment until I knew the results.
Well, the wonderful news is that the test came back negative for cancer so I will be getting an ovary -ectomy. I don't think that is a real word but it sounds funny. And because of the amazing realization of the last post I am not worried. What shall be shall be. I shall take care of myself, love my life and those in it and move forward. It looks like the surgery will be in the next couple of weeks. I am ready to complete this cycle.
PS - just in case I did not remember, I am a mom. How do I know this? Well, I took my son to the childrens museum in celebration of MY birthday. :) Here is a picture of him looking at the kids playing below
Nolan got me a special birthday gift because it was 18 months ago on March 15th that we said goodbye to our sweet Eli. He gave me two solar garden butterflies. I put them out in the yard on Eli's anniversary and here is a picture of how they lit up that night and every night since then.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
"No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.." ~ Reverend Safire Rose
Yes, I am repeating myself. The above was taken from the poem "Letting Go" that I posted last month. I am repeating myself because this has just happened to me.
I have been living my life in fear for the past two years. Starting with my single parent unplanned twin pregnancy (a gift from the Universe that terrified me) up until just hours ago and something just happened. I decided it would stop - all of it. I was sick and tired of being scared. Maybe I have had many reasons to be fearful recently but I decided I was done. It was literally in one exhale of breath I was done. It just disappeared with my decision. And suddenly I feel like I want to shine again.
Actually I think it has been occurring over the past couple of days/weeks. I made a to do list of things I need to do and things I want to do. I have made doing things I want to do as important as those things I need to do. That is a change in my recent perspective. One of the things on my list was get a pedicure. When it came down to it I knew I wouldn't go pay for one BUT I did know that I would do one myself. I use to have the smoothest prettiest feet around but I stopped pampering my feet when I got pregnant - my belly got in the way - and I just never picked it up again. So I went to my favorite store and got inspired with all the bright colors available and had Nolan help me choose a hot pink and a dark sparkly blue. I went with a hot pink and gave myself one of my old fashion pedicures. Now why had I been putting it off? There are other things I have started doing, taking my vitamins regularly, slowly improving the quality of food that I eat. On the past couple of Saturday mornings my mom, Nolan and I pack ourselves up and go to the local farmers market to pick up and try new yummy, healthy foods. I am scheduling fun time and not just doctors appointments. I finally got my hair done! I even went through and deleted some "friends" from my facebook account. ;)
It's like I got my fire back. While I believe I had been moving towards it slowly it all came together in that one breath and I let go. It was silent. I was in a department store and no one in Ross knew what happened
- But I did. That letting go is like that, a quiet and immense shift in energy. I feel like my fire is back. I am going to love my sons, say and do what I want and f*#k the fear!
Fear is a heavy cloak to wear and I have been hiding underneath it in what I thought was self preservation. But it was not. Now I wish I could say that I will not be scared again. There is a good possibility that I will be. I am living in a human body and fear is common in this place. And I am sure I will be sad. But I will experience that if/when it appears. For right now - for this moment. I am letting go and not living in it anymore. One of the cruelest things that fear does is keep us distanced from the very things that could kill that fear by bringing us joy. That is the biggest lie of fear and I am done living in it. I am living my life, however it goes.
And it happened in a moment of letting go.
"Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames." ~ Rumi
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
“You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance every second.” – Not sure who said this.
Sometimes we know we need to change something or many things in our life but still feel stuck, don’t know how to go about it or don’t know what it looks like or don’t know how it can be done. Been there. Done that. Have been doing it again.
Sometimes Life whispers in your ear and you get it, sometimes Life smacks you in the head and you get it or sometimes, if you’re really special like me, Life smacks you in the head a couple of times and you get it. Suffice it to say that as of today, I have been smacked enough Life, I get it!
About the death of my Eli. I love my sweet boy forever and I have a soul connection to him. I will always cherish my 6+ months of carrying him and his brother and the 11 days outside of my womb that I was gifted with his spirit in human form. We had our mommy and son moments on this earth, just he and I, not anywhere near as many as I wanted in this life but they are ours and in my heart. I will continue to do things in my life in my love for him; by myself, with my family and friends and with Nolan. Eli cracked my heart wide open and created such space for compassion, patience and love. And right now I am not living from that place of fullness like I know I can. I have been too busy thinking. Thinking one thought. Over and over and over again. And it hurts every time I think it. So I think it might be time to stop. So here it goes.
As of today, as of this moment, I am willing to let go of seeing Nolan and thinking “There should be two.” It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME I think it and that serves no one. It does no good for anyone, especially me. One of the biggest curses/gifts of losing one of my identical twin boys is that I know that at one time there was a mirror image of Nolan on this earth. So I have a good idea what Eli would have looked like now and how he would have been AND I don’t really know what Eli would have looked like now or how he would have been. So, I have Nolan my earth baby and Eli my angel baby. I have two sons and my arms only hold one now. The other lives in my heart, my mind, my spirit. Eli is in the sunset, the starry night, the visiting butterfly and in the trees that dance in the wind (Nolan’s favorite). Thinking that there should be two, tears at my heart. There was two and now there is one. Who is to say how it should or should not be? The easiest answer, the answer that lets my heart rest and shuts off my mind is - what should have happened is what did happen. I give up. I surrender. Fighting what is real hurts too much.
So as of today, as of this moment
Nolan, Eli and I deserve so much more.
I love you Nolan.
I love you Eli.
I love you Piperlyne.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
So far, I have been at a loss this year. For 2010 and 2011 my focus was on survival, literal survival, of myself and my children. Keeping both Nolan and Eli healthy and then moving on to keeping Nolan and myself healthy, paying the bills and continuing to function through the crushing grief of Eli's death. So for 2012 I have been asking, praying for, meditating on what I should focus on creating this year. And as the Divine always does, it brings the answer to my front door.
To start - The doctor I have been seeing to help me heal from my car accident pointed out to me that I need to stop looking down. I need to start holding my head up and looking around. He said my change in posture would help in the healing and strength building of my neck, shoulders and upper back. Hmmm.... I have been looking down, literally, physically, at my feet for the past couple of years, making sure my footing is solid and trying to stay clear of the random land mine.
And then, just to push the understanding deeply into my awareness, I had an appointment with a regular client of mine who asked me about the future of her job search. I was shown very clearly a gentle hand going under her chin and raising it up as if to say "raise your eyes, your expectations, stop shooting so low". As I shared this with her I also understood this was a message for me too. Throughout the past couple of years I have let my vision drop and focused on surviving. I understand why and I am not saying that was "wrong" for me to do - But - now it is time to raise my eyes, my focus and time to elevate myself and what mark I wish to make on the world, this year or for the rest of my life on this earth.
And finally, continued problems with my body and physical health have continued to overwhelm me. As I healed my upper back from the accident I started having excruciating pain in my lower back. Putting me in the place of, once again, not being able to pick up Nolan. After two weeks of pain I got some Vicodin to help and then another week later I got an MRI. And what I learned was that I have a slightly bulging disc in my lower spine but the thing that was causing the pain is actually a small tear in the fibers that surround my spinal cord, causing what is called a "pain cascade". I will tell you the name is fitting. Good news - it will heal. Bad news - it will take time. Then just to top off all the fun I received a diagnosis of endometreosis yesterday. My body is DEMANDING that I change and is refusing to allow me to continue this way. I have to change.
So what is my problem in making some decisions and changing??? Usually there is no problem.....
That is part two and coming in the next couple of days. I am still finding the words to use.