Friday, March 18, 2016

Another Birthday

Yes, another birthday, this one is mine though, not the boys. March 14th, 19.....

My birthdays are quiet affairs these days, getting together with family, and LOTS of birthday wishes on social media! I mean, it really was wonderful. I especially love the ones with the images and those with the extra sentiments. I am just a sucker for those things, always have been. I used to be on TOP of getting birthday cards out through snail mail, back in the day... But then I was not a single mom, nor mom at all, nor was I busy with all the big important mom stuff I do.

There were a lot of things I used to do, back in the day that I don't do anymore. Some of them were easy to give up, professional pedicures. They weren't that important. Some of them were hard to give up, fancy coffee drinks. Not something I needed but something that I wanted. And then there are those things that I never in a million years wanted to give up or ever even considered I would give up and yet, here I am... Birthdays do that - help you think of these things....

I started a couple of daily mindful practices the beginning of this year including; reading something inspirational or that I learn from, writing down something I am grateful for and outlining what my daily goals are, based on my son's and my schedule for the day... In this practice some things have happened....

I have completely read two books! One of the things I had given up, though not intentionally,  just due to time limitations, was reading for fun. The books I like to read for fun are usually those that teach me something, so my daily reading mindfulness practice has fit right in. I read two books at 5 minutes a day since January 1st. I have always said that everyone can find 5 minutes in a day to do something they enjoy and it seems like that thought may have been right....

Getting a good night's sleep is also something I gave up. I truly had no idea that I could go on such limited sleep for years and still function.... Though I have to say that the functioning had gone down hill lately as it became just too much. Thankfully we seemed to have turned a corner, at least for now. My son is able to sleep through the night more times than not in a week. I have also began to put a priority on my own bed time and am planning on creating a bed time routine for myself! Oh how wonderfully old of me!

Anyway, I mentioned getting a good night's sleep. Well, "waking up" after only sleeping 2-3 hours for the 10th, 20th plus, night in a row makes it very, very, VERY hard to come up with something to be grateful for, unless it is a nap or coffee in my near future.... While I have always thought of myself as a positive person, it seems as though my positivity had become much easier to experience for my clients, students, friends/family. For myself I focused on what needed to be done next. It's my pragmatic side coming out. My To Do List has subcategories with other To Do Lists attached. I am serious, truly... Working to recreate your own business, help run a non profit, finish up yoga teacher training AND managing my son's 25 hours a week of therapy/school, requires my To Do Lists to have To Do Lists right now... And it has been my new mindfulness practice of writing down even one thing to be grateful for, right now, has kept me present to the beauty of now.

There is more I could write about but I will leave it at this, my little mindfulness practices I have been practicing for two and half months are working.... Those small daily changes I have made in my life are helping to clear my head, organize my thoughts, empower my spirit and strengthen my body.

Everyone has 5 minutes to do something they love every day. I have found it to be true. Now that I have it, I hope I don't let it go. It's good for me.... And it only took until my 48th birthday to see that.

And so it was. Little bits of light. Happy birthday to me!
Here's to always learning in our life -  
even when we think, or especially when we think, we should know better.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Blog Name Change

Hello all!

You may have noticed a name change in my blog. I'm glad you have found us even with the name change. I have a number of reasons why I did this but the biggest and truest reason is that life has changed, and I have grown. My love for my sons has grown and how I express that love out loud has changed and expanded. And the new title of the blog now mirrors that.

Crystal baby - is my sweet survivor, Nolan. He's 5 now and in his final year of preschool. He is my crystal child. He is one of many children coming in who need a different world so that they can grow, develop and thrive. He is my driving force of change; in my life, in his life and in the world. Change is never easy and he challenges me to embody the change I wish to see in the world. He is the reason I am "Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi.  I have danced back and forth on embracing this - Back because of fear that it was too big and too small and because before 2010 I never wanted to do this...  And forth because it was mine to do because of love, what I know to be right and because I am uniquely qualified to do it. (As we all are uniquely qualified to succeed in our own lives) I was resisting the change. I am done resisting. Let's do this.

Star baby - is my sweet little man, Eli. Star baby is my best way to describe him. He was symbolized by Angel baby in the previous blog title which is a common title in the baby loss community. It's used to let others know that this baby is a baby who has died in utero or shortly after birth. I have used angel baby with conflicting feelings. It just never seemed to fit what I felt. Star baby always felt right and true. Images of the sky, stars, galaxies and universes was just a better match to Eli's energy.  The work I do in the TTTS Support Team non-profit is just a small expression of my continuing love for my son.

Me - is me. This one has been hard too. My life is not quiet, nor slow but it can be repetitive and overwhelming. I have always embraced self love and self care AND I watched me slowly go under with the demands of my life over the past couple of years. I remember my flight attendant days where I would advise 100+ people up to 5 times a day to secure their oxygen mask first and then assist their child or the person next to them. I would have people ask why and I would explain that if they don't help themselves they cannot help anyone else.... Yes, I used to teach people this.... And yet... It was never my intention to ignore or disregard myself, I believe I deserve love and care.. It was exhaustion and overwhelm that stopped it and now I have further to go to get back to where I was and more forward.  I am hoping that since I have stopped fighting what is I will have much more energy to live in what is, happily.

So here we are Crystal Baby - Star Baby and Me living in peace with reality and ready for change!

Thank you Byron Katie.