Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Speak strongly, boldly or don't bother.

When I started this blog it was to share my journey through the grief of my pregnancy and the loss of one of my sons. I plan on continuing to do this.
Now that I am two years out from the pregnancy and Eli's death life has happened, as it always does, I have faced some other things, thyroid cancer, car accident, having an ovary removed
Now I am working to understand the challenges of raising a beautiful and amazing son who has some special needs that may or may not be life long.

This is where my recent writing struggles have come in. I can share, intensely and honestly, my personal experiences, my pain, my challenges, my life and in many cases have done so fearlessly. Now with the events of the past couple of months a fear has set in. For me to write about what has been taking my time, energy and love requires that I start to speak of Nolan's challenges. It is no longer about my pain. It becomes about Nolan's life. If I write honestly about what is going on in our life I could possibly open him up to judgements, bullying, cruelty, misperceptions due to his current challenges. Nothing posted on the internet ever completely disappears. With so many situations of children being cruelly treated by others, children and adults, I have become scared for what I might share and how it will effect Nolan in the future. It is no longer my life I am writing about. It is Nolan's.

EVERY SINGLE TIME I post I struggle with these thoughts. To think I might ever write something that could come back to harm my son haunts me
I know, for myself, I need to speak/write honestly and nakedly or it is a waste of my time. Speak strongly, boldly or don't bother. So, as I see it right now, I can choose to trust in the beauty of humanity and the Divine and know that the journey with my son is guided and protected and designed to share and empower others.
I can live in the fear of possible judgments of unknown people that may never occur.

I know myself. I cannot make a choice in fear. That goes against everything I believe and everything I wish to teach my son about living in this human world.

So, I believe you will be seeing more about my and Nolan's experiences with his therapies and possible future diagnoses.
At least that is what I believe right now.

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