Wednesday, June 29, 2011
There are some things I have begun to understand. The popular new age thought process of "you can change anything" and "have anything you want" just does not ring as true to me now. I understand how it can be empowering to someone who believes they do not have the ability to change their circumstance or alter their world and I believe in the power and the truth of that. AND there are somethings that I as a human being or even a spiritual being can not change or have, especially when it has to do with the experience of another human being or the evolution of another spiritual being. The death of my son has taught me this. In this moment in time the one thing I would change in my life is to have Eli at home with Nolan and I but that was not meant to be and I cannot change that. I do not get what I want in this instance. So where do I go with what I used to believe and what is my deeper understanding now?
It is my knowing that Eli came to this earth in the little form he took to play a very large part in my life, Nolan's life and in the lives of those who knew and loved him BUT he also came for himself, for his short human experience and for his own soul evolution. Regardless of how much I prayed, cried, meditated, visualized, supported and protected his body and his life I could not change his own soul evolution because it was not about me. In a way it never was but there can be something in the experience for me. I was given the gift of his life and his evolution and though it was so much shorter than I wanted it to be it is HIS life and HIS evolution, not mine. He may have come into this world in a 2lb 4oz body but he was a fully developed part of divinity, as we all are, and had his own path to experience. Regardless of anything I used to believe I now know that we cannot have anything we want or change anything we desire to.
So, where does that leave me? When we are part of an experience that we cannot change or have what we desire what do we do next? This is what I have been working on
- Changing my understanding, perception of the experience of Eli's death - I ALWAYS, in any situation, have the opportunity to decide/create what an experience means to me. Some use the term, learning but I just don't know about thinking about these things as lessons - and this comes from someone who loves to learn! The word experiences just feels better to me so that is what I go with. It was Eli's life, his experience and because it occurred and touched mine it is also my life and my experience.
- Understanding that there are simply some things that we do not get to have or change creates a depth of compassion, for myself and for others that is new in all it's beauty.
- Any guilt of not being "strong" enough or "spiritual" enough to manifest my desires dissipates. Talk to anyone who was in the position of being a decision maker concerning someone's health and they will tell you about the "what if's" that have run through their head, especially if the outcome was not what they so badly wanted.
- And the most important piece - As I move through all of this there is one thing that rings clearly..... It is that as I go through this process Eli lives within me and outside of me. As I come to awareness of all of this I inherently change how I work with my clients and how I am with those in my life. Eli lives in that too. When this process is complete the next step, whatever that may be, Eli will also live in that. This makes him endless, timeless and always alive. Thank you for helping me to understand that.
I will end with the quote that I saw this morning that started this post.
"This moment contains all moments." - C.S. Lewis
All that has happened is held in this moment.
All that will happen is a seed in this moment. - Addition by me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Nolan had another follow up appt with the surgeon who did his skull surgery. As always, Dr S was thrilled with how Nolan's skull has shaped up but more importantly, he is a doctor of neurology and so when he mentions how impressed and amazed with how Nolan is developing it makes me happy. Of course I know that he has his brother to support him, help him and love him from the other side. Nolan is just over the 50% mark in growth for babies who really are 9 months old. He is off the charts for a baby born at 6 months (his adjusted age). Dr S just laughed and smiled with Nolan and said how wonderful it was to see such a healthy happy baby. Since Nolan is on state insurance he has to go to CRS to see Dr S. CRS stands for Children's Rehabilitative Services. It is a clinic set up to see children who are facing very serious health challenges. Doctors from around the city come in to see their state insurance patients. It definitely is not like a pediatrician's office where the majority of the babies are healthy. CRS is a clinic for very sick children. Whenever I see a child with health challenges I try to catch their eye to connect with them. I see the light that they truly are and somehow I want them to know that I see them, the real them, not just the body they are in.
I just wanted to mention that I did not join the mama and me yoga class. As it worked out Nolan had a doctor's appt at the exact time of the yoga class for the past three weeks. There is another option out there, I know it.
For those of you who do not know. I am 11 days into my 30 Day Muchness Challenge. A lot of my daily experiences are being posted there. Please check it out. :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
What do you do when you find out you are going to be a mom for the first time, just when you had given up the belief you might still get to be a mom at 42, and are single, self employed and not in love with the baby’s father? – Jump up and down for joy and trust that this gift was given to you for a reason. - MUCH
What do you do when you find out that the one baby you are expecting is actually identical twins? – Cry your eyes out in terror and joy and then call your mom to tell her so she can scream and laugh and cry in joy and shock. – TWO MUCH
What do you do when you find out that your miracle babies are identical boys and could possibly be facing a challenge called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS)? – Go home and Google it only to become terrified at what it could mean to the beautiful boys you carry. Tell friends and family who are already reeling from the death of one baby in the family. Become stiff with fear as the practical survival instinct kicks in and you learn EVERYTHING you can and start changing things in how you live 5 hours after the possible diagnosis. – too much
What do you do when you are told your babies are officially diagnosed with TTTS and it seems like they are progressing rapidly, knowing that without some type of intervention there is barely a 10% chance that either will survive? – Fly to Houston on two days notice for in utero laser surgery, borrowing money from friends and family, not knowing if the insurance will actually over the cost of the surgery. Have the surgery and learn 24 hours later that you still have two tiny little heartbeats inside of you and hear the surgeon call the surgery a success. – TOO TWO MUCH
What do you do 3 weeks after the successful surgery and feeling both babies move and kick and hiccup and grow inside of you, your water breaks much too early and you drive yourself to the hospital, the doctors check the babies, they still look good, and put you on a cocktail of drugs to keep the babies safe, promote their lung development and stave off any infection? – You bring your babies’ teddy bears to the hospital to keep them with you at all times. Visualize healthy babies with a bond of love so strong as to keep everyone safe and growing and spend your 10 days on hospital bed rest hiding from everyone so that you can focus EVERYTHING on the health and wellbeing of your little ones. – too too much
What do you do when you are rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section because one of your babies is in distress with a heart rate dropping to 15 with every contraction and give birth to two tiny, perfect little boys 13 weeks early who are rushed off to the NICU for care? – Give thanks for every single blessing you have been lucky enough to receive. – TWO TWO MUCH
What do you do when after 9 days of life one of your perfect little boys contracts an infection that takes over his body so quickly that he dies less than 36 hours later and then you have to hold a service for him while his brother is fighting in the NICU to grow and thrive? - Go numb, keep breathing, eat sometimes, sleep every so often, cling to the little boy still alive and alone without his brother and cry until there are no more tears only to cry again until you can’t breathe. – so much more than anyone should have to experience and I know too many who have
What do you do nine months later with a thriving nine month old beautiful boy who has made it through painful reflux, apnea events at home and a surgery on his skull? – Love, rejoice and celebrate the beautiful life of your surviving son while you honor, remember and sometimes still cry your eyes out over the son you lost. Know that your one heart has split into three equal hearts, one still in your body, one bursting with joy in your survivor’s body and one torn apart in grief with your angel. Embrace the life you have while you find reason and sense in the whole experience. Talk to your angel son, sing songs to your survivor about his brother, light candles, tell their story and live. – FIND MY MUCHNESS
This is my introduction to my upcoming experience of my 30 Days of Finding My Muchness. I will be starting on Wednesday June 15th in honor of my ninth month without my angel. Please visit this wonderful website www.findingmymuchness.com to follow my journey to hope and healing.
I have also created my own project of Rediscovering Your Light on Facebook in support of anyone finding themselves in darkness or grief, for any reason, to reconnect with the love and light in themselves and their life. I would love it if you would join me there too.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Fast forward to now. I am connected with a special group of moms - moms who have lost their baby(ies) to TTTS. These women are amazing and I am blessed that I have them as cyber sisters. I have a sisterhood with my sister in law who also had her baby die after birth last year. She has been a big support to me. I hope I have been for her.
The rest of my life goes like this
- I go to my "office" for 20 hours a week and see my clients. Many of them are regulars but they are my clients. They are not coming to see me to hear about my life. They are paying me to talk about theirs.
- I have a couple of friends there too but depending on how busy we all are we may or may not get to talk much.
- I am teaching at SWIHA and work with wonderful groups of students but once again I am the teacher and it is about them, not about me.
- Nolan's doctor appointments - he often has a couple a week but those are about/for Nolan.
- I work on my Rediscovering Your Light project, by myself on line.
I talked to a friend of mine who is a massage therapist about making an appointment or two to see her. She is very talented and after her massages I feel relaxed and very nurtured. I miss being touched. I am so affectionate with Nolan and he does give me his special Nolan kisses, :D, which I love and it is not the same. It is not his responsibility to take care of or give to me. It is my responsibility and joy to do that for him.
Don't get me wrong I am not complaining. Everything I do in my life has great meaning to me AND I am feeling disconnected. I had been thinking about this recently and was really feeling it when I spoke with a woman with a baby who sat down next to Nolan and I today.
I was out with Nolan walking around one of the outside malls near us. We decided to take a seat and watch the kids play. A woman asked if she and her son could sit next to us. I said yes. She started to chat and I learned that her 7 month old son is named Eli. The first baby Eli I have met, other than mine. I held it together then but when she started asking other questions my whole story just fell out and I started to cry. She was very sweet and kind as her eyes welled up with tears. We chatted for a little more and she asked me if I did any activities with Nolan. I said no. She said she was a member of a couple of different mom's groups and one of them was offering a mommy and me yoga class every Friday morning starting next week. She invited Nolan and I to join. Every moment shared with her seemed to be filled with divine intervention. Even though I am sitting here crying as I type this I can't help but feel that Eli is telling me it's okay, all is good with him. It's like he was answering the thoughts going through my head by bringing this woman to come sit next to me and talk to me. That part makes my heart smile. I haven't talked to a stranger, other to say thank you, excuse me or to answer a question about Nolan in a long time. And I probably would not have talk with her if her son hadn't been named Eli. My chat with the woman who had a baby boy with the same name as my angel helped me to become aware of this. I have few friends with living babies. If I join this yoga class, can I do this? Find the joy and pleasure in it? And not be that sad mom who had one of her twins die?
I don't know.
Tomorrow is their nine month birthday.
Hello Eli my love.
Happy Nine months my darling Nolan.