Wednesday, February 12, 2014


For most of my life I actually have had very few regrets in my life. I have almost always done what I thought was best based off of my internal guidance and intuition. It has guided me well. The only times it has faltered were in times of fear. As with most people, when I am in fear I am unable to tap into my inner knowing, listen to the wisdom and do what I knew was right for me and my life. My TTTS pregnancy, hospitalization, birth and the boys NICU stay was a time of deep, cell shattering fear. Not fear for me, never fear for me but fear for my boys and their lives.

So why do I bring this up now? A couple of friends of mine posted on facebook a wonderful video a loving family created to chronicle their child's 10 day life on this earth. So many pictures with family and friends. Time spent together with clear knowledge that every moment was a moment stolen and a gift of love. While I know that there were tears and pain and sadness, this beautiful family seems to have been able to remain in the beauty and love of the moment. They were present and loving what was now. Here is the video, if you wish to watch it.

And so I regret....
I know that my love and joy for Eli's life was as strong and powerful as the lovely family in the video
I was so filled with fear and physically exhausted from the experience of TTTS I did not share the amazingness of my boys during my pregnancy. My sister asked for pictures of my pregnant belly and I straight up refused. I am saddened that I do not have more of those. I am saddened that I did not have more joy during my pregnancy. I did not speak to people while I was in the hospital on bed rest nor did I want anyone to visit me. It was fear, all fear, for what might happen. I was frozen inside and I internalized it all.

Now of course I could have never guessed that Eli would catch an infection and end up dying from that infection before he was 2 weeks old. And I wish I had more pictures of him and his family members who came to see him. I wish I would have made a point of others seeing him. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I could say that TTTS took all this from me and in part it would be true. But if I were to be as true and honest as I possibly can be, from the deepest part of my being, I would have to admit that it was my fear of the future and what might happen that truly took away the moments I now regret never happening during Eli's life. I know that I had every right in the world to be as fearful as I was and I have been complimented on just how strong and brave I was. And now almost 3.5 years later I can understand and say publicly that my fear stole things from me just like TTTS did. I had little control over the TTTS. I had complete control over my fear.

So, what do I do now?
I grieve and forgive all that I believe I lost due to my overriding fears.  Once I have done that I will begin to choose a different way of being. I have understood for a long time that fear of the future steals from the love and the beauty of now. I am finally strong enough to experience the grief of my fear, heal it and choose to be different for myself and Nolan. Always with a undying love and gratitude to one of my most beautiful of teachers, my son Eli.

I let go of my fear and regrets, forgive, and move forward and learn how to choose love over fear