Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Years Eve 2011

Another calendar year will soon have passed since I said goodbye to my baby Eli. I have his flameless candle going in his cabinet in Nolan's room right now. I turn it on at night during those important times when his absence is so poignant - like the holidays - like now.

The amazing changes Nolan has gone through in 2011 have been a joy to be a part of. He's 26lbs now, taking steps on his own, eating table food. He made it through his first Phoenix summer, in a helmet no less, played with his first sparklers, had is first birthday party, had his first stomach flu and graduated to having his own room. You would never guess that he was born 13 weeks early and at total of 2lbs 4oz, just like his brother just 16 months ago.

In my last post I said I was trying to remember what I believed in -
I remembered the next day -
Once again the 10 day countdown to 2012 asked the right question at the right time. I had been asking for guidance since the accident, feeling so overwhelmed and not understanding, and as it always happens - the questions I needed to guide me to the answers I was looking for just popped up
My #1 wish for the New Year is....
My response -

Peace for all living creatures on earth with everyone knowing that they are loved - that they ARE love.

Simple but truly my desire.

About 6-7 years ago I went through a couple of self-awareness programs and I learned many things about myself but one that became crystal clear was that if I were to come to the end of this life and feel like I did not love enough, that I could have loved more but chose not to I would be heart broken.

And my understanding of this love may be different than others. I DO NOT mean allowing people to harm me or remaining in places that are hurtful. I mean to choose not to harm others intentionally for any reason, to live in compassion and passion, chosing to love me because I deserve it as much as anyone else, saying MY truth for me, owning it even if others may not agree or like me for it.

I believe that the intelligence, the energy, in the world that literally holds things together (talking physics - the stuff between matter) is love - that is it. A love that is far beyond the human love we often talk about "I love my new phone." The love that I felt after Eli died. I couldn't rely on the normal expressions, holding him, feeding him, like other mothers with their babies - I had to broaden my definition of love again so that I could feel him in the breeze, in the feel of the sun, see him in the sky at night. THAT love is my wish for myself and for every other living being on this earth.

I have decided to be part of a decluttering group for January. So looking forward to clearing out my garage and holding a garage sale the beginning of February and all the proceeds will be going to the March of Dimes. Just need my back and neck to hold up to their part of the deal.

I have also decided to choose one conscious raising item to do once a day for the month of January. Placing my focus on making sure I do something every day to invite more good, more joy, more awareness, more prosperity, more LOVE expressed in my life, my sons life and on this earth. I will be posting them on my facebook page Rediscovering Your Light

Happy New Year

May you be aware of the magic at work in your life in every moment.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Love, Joy and Believing

I am taking a 10 day countdown to 2012 online and there are some posts I made that I would like to share.

For Deceember 24th - My Biggest Personal Goal for 2012 is....
I bought 3 Christmas ornaments this year - one each for my sons and one for me. They are matching silver/red stockings with a word written on them.
- Nolan's says Joy - because he is my biggest joy in my life.
- Eli's says Love - because he has helped me to understand love in a way that only losing a child can.
- Mine says Believe - because I have lost my belief in things and to live my life in Joy and Love I have to have Believe.
My biggest personal GOAL for 2012 is to Believe again.

These are gifts I bought for myself or received as gifts from Eli.

For December 25th - Something I did in 2011 that makes me really proud is ....
That I have provided for my son and I. Single and self employed has not been easy but with the loving help of my mom and some stubborn determination I have done it. A nice place to live, lots of time together, a "working" relationship with his dad and a stable, consistent, loving, safe home. He is a happy little boy. We aren't doing too bad and I am really proud of that. :)
Nolan and I on Christmas night

I am writing about these two posts because they made me think. :)

I realized that I have always believed that it all works out in the end and if it hasn't worked out yet it is not the end. This thought has moved me through much of my life. When I see Eli's death as the end then there is no way in hell I can actually believe that anymore - so what do I believe? I think the death of a child, especially your child forces you to revisit everything you have ever thought, perceived or believed to be true. I don't think revisiting our beliefs is a bad thing
I can tell you it can be a VERY hard thing. My belief in love and the goodness in this world has helped me move through much in my life. It is time for me to believe again. When I remember what that belief is I will let you know.

Concerning the post on proudest thing for 2011 - I had never thought about it until the moment of that question. I just did what needed to be done and I continued to love, through the tears and the fear and the pain and the aloneness
look what I got? A life not simple or easy or without pain but so full of love and light that I was amazed. :)

Thank you my friend Tova for posting these questions.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Gifts, Accidents and Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer

I am an emotional girl these days.

Because of my car accident, I am back to daily doctor visits or some days two if I or Nolan have another doctor appointment. I have prescriptions for oxycodone, valium and motrin. For the first time since the accident 11 days ago, I tried to not take the oxycodone today. I made it 4 hours before I was crying in pain and needed to take that and valium so I could sleep. PS - the valium is for muscle spasms - works really well. And all of this in time for Christmas. Nolan and I won't be able to see his great grandfather before Christmas this year because I don't think my back can handle a two hour car ride there and back. My mother - bless her heart - is doing all of the heavy lifting with Nolan. And he is heavy, my little 25lb chunker. And that boy moves. Not walking yet but has a supersonic crawl. And I am missing it because I am at the doctors again or napping for the break I need for my back.

I am getting an MRI done tomorrow - which I guess is a good thing. If there is something worse than obvious injury from the accident going on it would be good to know. But it scares me in that it continues to stop me from being active and caring for my son.... Guess I will know more next week with the official results. I know the body heals itself, even miraculously. We have done it already and we can do it again.

Then it is the second Christmas without Eli. I am obsessing about what I will do with his stocking on Christmas morning. It has to hang with his brothers and it breaks my heart to think of it empty..... I believe inspiration will hit or Santa will work his magic but right now it makes me cry.

When I was in the NICU last year, I was a new mom and wanted to sing to my babies as I held them but I couldn't think of any lullabies so I sang Christmas songs. What can I say, I knew them by heart.... Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer was the song of choice. Well, tonight I was feeding Nolan his dinner by Christmas tree light and Rudolph came on. I started singing, he started dancing and smiling in his chair and I started crying. I am sure my son will always wonder why he feels so connected to the song Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and why his mother always cries when it comes on.....

I am excited about something though. I went to Kohl's - with the help of my mom - and bought 20 books of "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You". They are selling them for $5 for some charity and I bought them to give to the NICU in Phoenix Childrens Hospital. I am asking that they include them in the grief package a parent gets when their child dies in the NICU. I am going to write a short note and mention how this gift is in honor of Nolan and memory of Eli. I think I have saved money to buy another 20 before Christmas so we can donate 40 of them. Cried about that too.

Got good news on the cancer front. All the blood tests came back clear. I am VERY low on vitamin D though. I was having a problem before my thyroid was removed and now not having a thyroid can make it worse. More blood tests in 10 weeks. We will see how those go.

So it seems the drugs are kicking in. I will leave you with a final picture. My little man laughing at the cat Tobey that grandma Judy has flying through the air in front of him.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Overwhelm Again

I will just start off with a warning. I am tired and overwhelmed tonight. My body hurts and I feel a little lost right now.

I was in a 5 car accident on Monday driving from where I see clients to where I teach classes. I was stopped at a light and a guy driving a large SUV two cars behind me "took his eyes of the road" and ran into a guy, who ran into a guy, who ran into me, who ran into a girl. I called the police, reports were taken, fire truck was called, ticket was issued and we all drove home. Two hours later I am driving myself to the emergency room whith a badly spasming back and intense pain in my neck and shoulders. They take x-rays and confirm no broken spinal parts and no acute cardiac issues - all good news. They give me numerous drugs, which I am very happy to accept and mention that I have some degenerative bone problems in my neck, arthritis. "Anyone ever mention this to you before?" - "Nope." I say and home I go. I can barely bend over to pull on my own jeans. No tying of shoes going on here. Raising my hands to wash my hair or turning my head to blow dry it - challenging. All little annoying things - But the worst part, the very worst part is that I cannot pick up my sweet little boy. I haven't been able to get him out of bed. Or pick him up when I get home. My mom has to put him on my lap so I can cuddle with him. It is so hard to not be able to do for my son. It breaks my heart.

Because this case includes 5 cars and other issues I hire a lawyer. I like him. He is the husband of a friend and former colleague. I have seen a chiropractor twice since the accident on Monday. Today, we went over the x-rays he took. Oh, look more degenerative bones in my spine - great. He says if I don't start feeling better in a couple of weeks he is going to recommend an MRI to see if there are any disc issues.

Really??? Really???
When I sit down to count my challenges in these past two years, I have a handful and after each one I just kept going back and doing what needed to be done. I went to work 2 weeks after Eli died, 4 weeks after a c-section, one week after Nolan's surgery, 2 weeks after surgery to remove my thyroid (and that was only because I still couldn't talk after the first week or I would have gone back then) and now do I go back to work one week after my car accident? My credit is crap because of all the loss of income from the problems during and the trauma after the pregnancy. But I am tired. I now realize that I have not integrated a lot of this into my life yet. I don't know where I want to go with all that I have learned about myself and all the ways I have been forced to grow in my life. It is still very rare that I can talk about Eli without crying. And all I could do today was cry because of nothing, because of the full moon, because of everything.

And now before I end this I must say - I know I have so many things to be thankful for - priceless things - like Nolan and the never ending support of my mom. I have been given ways to financially provide for myself and Nolan over the past year but I have not been caring for myself and now with the pain I am in, the fact of arthritis in my spine and the possibility of disc issues too - I HAVE to take care of myself. The thought a future of not being able to lift up my son and give him a hug breaks my heart..

And so I will take a valium(for the muscle spasms), oxycodone(for the pain), motrin(for the swelling) and put some biofreeze on just for fun. Praying for a good night's sleep in the hopes that sleep will help me to heal and maybe offer some guidance on the next step in my life.