Monday, January 24, 2011

Going Inside Myself

As I do when I am dealing with anything that brings tremendous fear, I have been going inside myself, hiding. The date for Nolan's surgery has been set for February 9th and I am scared.

The surgery is to correct a growth pattern in his skull, sagittal synostosis. The surgeon has done about 100 of these corrective surgeries. Nolan's surgery is actually going to be a modified version of the more extensive surgery most infants need. Recovery should be 1-3 days in the hospital and he will need to wear a helmet for 2-6 months to help reshape his skull. The reasonable, rational part of me is happy to know that his surgery is going to be so much less than originally thought
knowing that it is coming up is bringing back the trauma of the medical ordeals of my pregnancy and Eli's death. Experiences I am still in the process of healing. My fear is so overwhelming right now that it is hard for me to breathe. It's like the elephant in the room of my life. I find it difficult to talk about. I don't know what to say and talking about it makes it way too real for me right now. It is impossible for me to hold Nolan and not cry. I go back and forth from wanting to curl up on the floor of my closet to wanting to spend EVERY SINGLE moment with Nolan. I do neither. I keep doing what I need to do to take of what needs to be taken care of and try to find my balance. Nolan deserves a mother who is strong and steady as he goes through this - so that is what I will be.

I am praying and meditating - moving myself out of fear and in to a place of love - Asking for and accepting thoughts and prayers of strength, healing, love and light for Nolan.

Tonight, I held Nolan and danced him to sleep, with his head and body resting on my chest. I am grateful and filled with love.

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