On Christmas night I was holding Nolan on my lap with his back supported by my legs. He was looking behind and above me, as he sometimes does. When he does this I know he sees Eli. He started to coo and smile a big open mouthed smile. It makes me so happy to know he is still connected to his brother. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I asked Nolan what Eli was saying and told him to tell Eli that mommy loves him. Slowly, Nolan stopped smiling, eyes wide open, became very still and continued to look at the same spot above and behind me. As I watched Nolan's face I saw a tear well up in one eye and drop on to his chubby little cheek. It was an undefinable moment as immense feelings of love and sadness enveloped me. It was a moment free of time and space. A moment in which I was aware of the three of us being together again. I began to cry.
Merry Christmas babies. Mommy loves you.