Recently, the nights are the hardest. I find myself not being able to sleep even if Nolan gives me a solid 6 hours of rest. I know that part of my grieving process is not sleeping.
In the past week I have had a couple of nights when I wake up with a start with the thought in my head "Where are my babies?" I take a breath and realize I have one with me and one is gone.
Then there are those times when I wake up with the left over feelings of a beautiful dream and it hurts to be here. I have no memory of what the dream was but it was loving, warm and complete and then it's gone.
Or last night, I was lucky, I woke up to find myself hugging one of my pillows. I saw myself sleeping with both Nolan and Eli in my arms, hugging them both. I watched as that faint vision left over from the dream quietly faded away and all I wanted to do was grab on to it, wrap myself in it and live in it for a little while longer.
When the house is quiet and dark and I am in bed feeding Nolan, I see his beautiful blue eyes looking up at me and I feel the loss of Eli, quite literally feel it in my body. I can't help it, I cry. I hate crying while he is in my arms. I don't want him to pick up or feel my sadness. He has such a big, important job of growing and developing I don't want to hinder it in any way. But I can't help it so I cry and watch as my tears splash on his head. I wipe them away and say that it is ok. But I lie because right now it is not ok, right now it hurts.