A Month of Small Celebrations - December 7

Small Celebrations

Finding my passion again. 

Feeling inspired again. 

Being able to make decisions to move Nolan and I to the life I wish to create.

All of these things occurred today.

I have gone through a number of changes: financial, career and life focus. In this past month I felt like I lost sight of the direction of my life. I could blame it on an extended lack of sleep, stress and being sick, but more than that I think I went through an energy shift and change of perception. One that has helped me to clarify my intentions.

I am so very thankful for the clarity that is showing itself in my life now.

I am celebrating!

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 6

Small Celebration

I have two today.  :)

First thing that I am celebrating is my sister and her amazing job of completing her bachelors degree in education! She texted me a picture of the letter from her school congratulating her on her accomplishment. And she has decided to go on to getting her masters in special ed! A choice close to my heart. She has inspired me with all the focus she has put into her life to make the changes she decided she wanted. I could not be more proud of my sister right now, for all that she has done. 

And

I am a member of a group of TTTS parents who reach out to other parents who have recently lost their child(ren) to this syndrome. We offer to send them a grief package. I am thrilled to say that I have been a member since the beginning and that I am honored to be a part of such important work. Losing a child(ren) during pregnancy or after birth is a very isolating event. So few people know what to say or do to support the parent in their grief and the grief can be so debilitating that explaining or showing others what they feel or need demands more energy than they have. I know that there were times when remembering to breathe felt like it took all of my focus just to complete. So we personalize our grief packages to the loss experienced by the grieving parent. We try to send little gifts that say "I remember your child(ren) and I grieve their death also". I just sent out my 5th package today. While I absolutely hate that there is a need for this group and I hope that one day that need will stop; it means so much to me that I can be a part of this amazing group of loving and supportive people. Once a child has died we can't stop the grief. We can't fix the grief. But hopefully we can make it a little less lonely. When I say it is my honor to do this, I mean it. 

Here's a picture of my sister and my son from August 2011.

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 5

Small Celebration

Today was a difficult day for a couple of reasons Woke up with a migraine. Having a heck of a time getting anyone to look at my resume and say "Hey! I need to hire this amazing, talented, wonderful woman!" Sometimes Nolan's upcoming evaluation with the developmental pediatrician weighs on me. I had a sometimes time with that today.

But

Today I also had a follow up appointment with my endocrinologist. I had my thyroid removed in 2011 due to a cancer diagnosis. Then in my year follow up ultra sound they found a small mass in the supposedly empty area where my thyroid used to be. Alarms went off, they talked about full body scans, a dose of radioactive iodine.. Instead we went with wait and see. I had another full blood panel done and went in today to get the results. My blood was tested for thyroglobulin - the classic marker for problems after a thyroid has been removed. Because I have no thyroid my body should not be making any thyroglobulin, So if the number is even measurable it can indicate a problem. The results of the test today? My thyroglobulin levels are so low they cannot even be measured!!!  Wonderful news. Basically a negative for my one year follow up for cancer. They want to do another ultra sound to see if there is anything to see but right now there is celebration going on.  :)

And

Today I got a wonderful Christmas gift in the mail! I joined in a Christmas ornament gift exchange in one of the grief groups I am in. I did this last year and my person never sent me a gift. This year I took part again and the person sending me the gift sent it early! It is two beautiful personalized ornaments. One with both of my sons and one in remembrance of my Eli. I am grateful to my friend Shaina for taking the time and energy to have these wonderful gifts created for me and my sons. 

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 4

Small Celebration

Today I celebrate my clients. I have made a number of changes in where and when I see my clients since I opened up shop in 2009. There were many that I lost with all the time I had to take off due to the pregnancy, my boys and my health challenges. And some others left when I decided to work only via the phone or skype. But the clients who have made these changes with me I am so thrilled to have. I had a powerful client session today and it let me experience again the joy I feel when I am able to support someone in their personal growth, awareness and transformation. It helps to remind me that I am good at that. And I feel as though I am fulfilling a deeper purpose in my life while I assist someone in fulfilling theirs. There is no more beautiful feeling in my professional life than when I know I have done this. 

This is one of my work spaces. 

:)

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 3

Small Celebration

Nolan has a difficult time getting to sleep sometimes. I think it might be related to his sensory issues but I don't know for sure. It is something to talk to the developmental pediatrician about when Nolan has his appointment in a couple of weeks. So today at nap time he was yawning, rubbing his eyes and rolling around on the floor crying so I took him up to bed. He laid down immediately, curled up and closed his eyes. And then for some unknown reason 25 minutes later he was up. I have learned that when this happens I often need to go in to "remind" him that he was going to sleep. So I get him out of the crib and sit down in the rocking chair in his room.  I love these times together. It's just he and I. During the day Nolan is so busy that his hugs last about 2-3 seconds until he is off to do something else, but during these nap times he is happy to sit quietly in my lap. We giggle, sing, play hand/finger games. He likes to take off my glasses and play with my eyelashes. He thinks it's hilarious. That quiet, cuddly time is precious to me and it seems to be to him too because he calmed down and when I laid him back down he was quiet and asleep 10 minutes later. Maybe he just needed some alone time with mommy. Or maybe he knew I needed some alone time with Nolan.

This was taken a couple of months ago but here is a picture of my little boy in his crib "reading" his book. With his sweet little "I just woke up" face.

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 2

Small Celebration

My mom and I finally had and took the time to get the garage re-organized!  We had someone working on the dry wall in the garage and when he was finished he was going to move all of the boxes back to where they were. Well he never finished the job and just disappeared so we needed to clean up. Then the nasty cold, flu and various infections hit the house making us all sick for over 3 weeks. I had neither the energy nor the interest. So we squeezed our cars into the garage. It was kind of comical as we would inch our cars in and out. Claustrophobic! Finally today, while Nolan was visiting his other grandparents, mom and I got out there moved everything around and even swept the floor. Ahh, it is so organized and clean. It feels like a breath of fresh air when I walk in there. It seriously makes me happy. I am definitely a person who becomes disorganized in a messy place. And now it is no longer dangerous to park in our garage!
It's is amazing how things left undone can weigh on us.

 Even the little things.  :) 

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 1

December, Christmas, the holidays.

This is my third one without my son Eli to celebrate with Nolan and I. The first Christmas I was numb. Nolan had been home from the NICU for only a month and Eli had only died three months earlier. I was struggling to remember to breathe and still trying to heal from a traumatic pregnancy and birth, an extensive c-section and a stressful grief filled hospital stay. I was caring for a medically fragile child and filled with worry. Sometimes getting out of bed was an accomplishment.

The second Christmas, last year, I was rear ended while sitting at a stop light on December 5th. It was a five car accident and I was hurt. I went to the emergency room that night and then went home. Once again, sometimes getting out of bed was an accomplishment. I lived off of pain killers for months. I couldn't lift Nolan up at all. If it wasn't for the help of my mom I don't know how I would have cared for him. Christmas was tough but once again I was numb to the full experience of not having Eli here with us.

This year I have come to realize that this year is going to be the time for me to fully experience the holiday grief. I have been crying regularly and at unexpected times for the past couple of weeks. I know this grief needs to be expressed and released and I want to do that. I will allow myself to cry as I need to and honor my sadness
And
Within that I need to make sure that I honor the celebrations of the holidays. I love Christmas, always have. I have some amazing memories of Christmas with my family as a child and as an adult. I want to make sure I continue to have those memories for myself and for Nolan
So
I have chosen to make December a month where I make sure I see the small celebration everyday. And today is December 1st.

Small Celebration

This morning I was able to set Nolan's bowl of oatmeal on his tray. I gave him a spoon and with a little help he fed himself. He was so excited to do it he yelled "YAY!" after the first 5-10 times. When I had to step away from his high chair I took his bowl and set it on the table and he threw a fit until I gave it back to him.  This is a big celebration because this is the FIRST time he has ever been able to have a bowl of food on his tray and not play in it.  His sensory issues would interrupt his eating and it would be almost impossible for him to do this. I am so proud of him! And even better than that he was proud of himself.

In closing I wanted to post a picture I created last night. December is TTTS - Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome - Awareness month. We need more general OB's to understand the dangers of TTTS for identical multiples pregnancies. We need more mothers pregnant with identical multiples to be knowledgeable about TTTS. We want more twins+ to grow up healthy and together.