Friday, March 15, 2013

Two and a half years

It is a strange thing. Getting older has never really bothered me so my birthdays never really bothered me, until recently, and it is not because I am getting older.
My birthday is one day off from the exact 1/2 year of Eli's death. It is strange how certain days take on different meanings as time goes on. Nolan and Eli were born on September 4th. Eli died on September 15th. My birthday is March 14th. I have noticed that the time around my birthday is almost as emotional at September 15th is.
I think it is a combination of things. My birthday indicates another step in time that I am taking away from my baby boy. Another progression in life that I am taking that he is not here to take too. And I just miss him. I have been feeling my grief for the past couple of weeks; bursting out in tears at something on the tv, crying myself to sleep, being distracted and disorganized. I think Nolan felt it too tonight. He was clingy at bed time wanting extra cuddle time before sleep.

My birthday was quiet yesterday. I did homework. Nolan and I went to target and to the chiropractor. She did some great work on me, helping me with the facet joint that still hurts sometimes from the car accident. She did some great cranial work on Nolan. And then Nolan and I had dinner with my mom at Carrabba's. (I love their calamari!) I had my pj's on by 8:30p and was happy about it. I was hurting from the chiropractic adjustment. It's also been a month since my friend John died. I was missing him too.

Today I had an appointment with an RN, Peggy, from ALTCS (Arizona Long Term Care Services) so that she could evaluate Nolan for ABA services through Department of Developmental Disabilities. I always dread these things. I so desire to speak of Nolan in positive terms, talking about all the growth and development I see him do daily. It is almost physically difficult for me to talk about his delays or limitations. But that is what I did, what I had to do, so that he could be considered for services. Peggy was kind and seemed to be rooting for us. She asked me about his medical history and of course I talked about the pregnancy, TTTS, the laser surgery, PROM, premature birth, the NICU and Eli. This, very possibly, could have been the first time in my life that I did not cry as I spoke of our challenges and how one of my little boys died. Because she was an RN, she was interested in some of the medical explanations for TTTS and I was happy to educate. She looked at me and said "This has been a hellish 2 1/2 years for you, hasn't it." I nodded and once again did not cry. That is when I usually do, when someone makes a kind, sympathetic comment, but not this time. I wasn't holding it back. After 2 1/2 years I am stronger in talking about it. At least sometimes. It seems as though Nolan's capabilities/challenges put him right on the edge for approval of these services. She said she may call me back for some clarification if he scores close or I would just get a letter. If he doesn't get approved right now Peggy also said to reapply at his 3rd birthday. Se we wait.

I see the subtle changes and growth in my little boy every day like how he has gotten to the point of grabbing on to the railing with one had while holding my hand as he walks down stairs. This is such a huge improvement from when going down stairs would overwhelm him so he would just try to dive down head first. These are exciting and wonderful things for my little boy. I am so proud of him. He amazes me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And finally for my birthday I had my mom look at my solar return (astrology) chart to see what this year had in store. We talked for awhile but the thing I remember the most was her comment "No more mister nice guy." This is my year to stand up and take chances to make big changes.

So while I make those big changes I am going to celebrate those small changes too.

I miss you my sweet Eli.
I miss you, my friend John.

Picture of John feeding Nolan. 

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