Since the beginning of the new year I have been challenged in choosing what I wish to focus on, what I want to manifest, what I wish to create. I normally choose a couple of things for the year and then make the decisions in my life as they come knowing that I am moving towards that goal I chose.....
So far, I have been at a loss this year. For 2010 and 2011 my focus was on survival, literal survival, of myself and my children. Keeping both Nolan and Eli healthy and then moving on to keeping Nolan and myself healthy, paying the bills and continuing to function through the crushing grief of Eli's death. So for 2012 I have been asking, praying for, meditating on what I should focus on creating this year. And as the Divine always does, it brings the answer to my front door.
To start - The doctor I have been seeing to help me heal from my car accident pointed out to me that I need to stop looking down. I need to start holding my head up and looking around. He said my change in posture would help in the healing and strength building of my neck, shoulders and upper back. Hmmm.... I have been looking down, literally, physically, at my feet for the past couple of years, making sure my footing is solid and trying to stay clear of the random land mine.
And then, just to push the understanding deeply into my awareness, I had an appointment with a regular client of mine who asked me about the future of her job search. I was shown very clearly a gentle hand going under her chin and raising it up as if to say "raise your eyes, your expectations, stop shooting so low". As I shared this with her I also understood this was a message for me too. Throughout the past couple of years I have let my vision drop and focused on surviving. I understand why and I am not saying that was "wrong" for me to do - But - now it is time to raise my eyes, my focus and time to elevate myself and what mark I wish to make on the world, this year or for the rest of my life on this earth.
And finally, continued problems with my body and physical health have continued to overwhelm me. As I healed my upper back from the accident I started having excruciating pain in my lower back. Putting me in the place of, once again, not being able to pick up Nolan. After two weeks of pain I got some Vicodin to help and then another week later I got an MRI. And what I learned was that I have a slightly bulging disc in my lower spine but the thing that was causing the pain is actually a small tear in the fibers that surround my spinal cord, causing what is called a "pain cascade". I will tell you the name is fitting. Good news - it will heal. Bad news - it will take time. Then just to top off all the fun I received a diagnosis of endometreosis yesterday. My body is DEMANDING that I change and is refusing to allow me to continue this way. I have to change.
So what is my problem in making some decisions and changing??? Usually there is no problem.....
That is part two and coming in the next couple of days. I am still finding the words to use.