Thursday, December 8, 2011

Overwhelm Again

I will just start off with a warning. I am tired and overwhelmed tonight. My body hurts and I feel a little lost right now.

I was in a 5 car accident on Monday driving from where I see clients to where I teach classes. I was stopped at a light and a guy driving a large SUV two cars behind me "took his eyes of the road" and ran into a guy, who ran into a guy, who ran into me, who ran into a girl. I called the police, reports were taken, fire truck was called, ticket was issued and we all drove home. Two hours later I am driving myself to the emergency room whith a badly spasming back and intense pain in my neck and shoulders. They take x-rays and confirm no broken spinal parts and no acute cardiac issues - all good news. They give me numerous drugs, which I am very happy to accept and mention that I have some degenerative bone problems in my neck, arthritis. "Anyone ever mention this to you before?" - "Nope." I say and home I go. I can barely bend over to pull on my own jeans. No tying of shoes going on here. Raising my hands to wash my hair or turning my head to blow dry it - challenging. All little annoying things - But the worst part, the very worst part is that I cannot pick up my sweet little boy. I haven't been able to get him out of bed. Or pick him up when I get home. My mom has to put him on my lap so I can cuddle with him. It is so hard to not be able to do for my son. It breaks my heart.

Because this case includes 5 cars and other issues I hire a lawyer. I like him. He is the husband of a friend and former colleague. I have seen a chiropractor twice since the accident on Monday. Today, we went over the x-rays he took. Oh, look more degenerative bones in my spine - great. He says if I don't start feeling better in a couple of weeks he is going to recommend an MRI to see if there are any disc issues.

Really??? Really???
When I sit down to count my challenges in these past two years, I have a handful and after each one I just kept going back and doing what needed to be done. I went to work 2 weeks after Eli died, 4 weeks after a c-section, one week after Nolan's surgery, 2 weeks after surgery to remove my thyroid (and that was only because I still couldn't talk after the first week or I would have gone back then) and now do I go back to work one week after my car accident? My credit is crap because of all the loss of income from the problems during and the trauma after the pregnancy. But I am tired. I now realize that I have not integrated a lot of this into my life yet. I don't know where I want to go with all that I have learned about myself and all the ways I have been forced to grow in my life. It is still very rare that I can talk about Eli without crying. And all I could do today was cry because of nothing, because of the full moon, because of everything.

And now before I end this I must say - I know I have so many things to be thankful for - priceless things - like Nolan and the never ending support of my mom. I have been given ways to financially provide for myself and Nolan over the past year but I have not been caring for myself and now with the pain I am in, the fact of arthritis in my spine and the possibility of disc issues too - I HAVE to take care of myself. The thought a future of not being able to lift up my son and give him a hug breaks my heart..

And so I will take a valium(for the muscle spasms), oxycodone(for the pain), motrin(for the swelling) and put some biofreeze on just for fun. Praying for a good night's sleep in the hopes that sleep will help me to heal and maybe offer some guidance on the next step in my life.


  1. And take a hug from your baby boy...for heart healing. xoxo

  2. So many things you and little Nolan have overcome! What an amazing team you two are...may you be cradled with healing as you have and will again cradle your son. You've got a baby angel helping you even in your overwhelm.