I am an emotional girl these days.
Because of my car accident, I am back to daily doctor visits or some days two if I or Nolan have another doctor appointment. I have prescriptions for oxycodone, valium and motrin. For the first time since the accident 11 days ago, I tried to not take the oxycodone today. I made it 4 hours before I was crying in pain and needed to take that and valium so I could sleep. PS - the valium is for muscle spasms - works really well. And all of this in time for Christmas. Nolan and I won't be able to see his great grandfather before Christmas this year because I don't think my back can handle a two hour car ride there and back. My mother - bless her heart - is doing all of the heavy lifting with Nolan. And he is heavy, my little 25lb chunker. And that boy moves. Not walking yet but has a supersonic crawl. And I am missing it because I am at the doctors again or napping for the break I need for my back.
I am getting an MRI done tomorrow - which I guess is a good thing. If there is something worse than obvious injury from the accident going on it would be good to know. But it scares me in that it continues to stop me from being active and caring for my son.... Guess I will know more next week with the official results. I know the body heals itself, even miraculously. We have done it already and we can do it again.
Then it is the second Christmas without Eli. I am obsessing about what I will do with his stocking on Christmas morning. It has to hang with his brothers and it breaks my heart to think of it empty..... I believe inspiration will hit or Santa will work his magic but right now it makes me cry.
When I was in the NICU last year, I was a new mom and wanted to sing to my babies as I held them but I couldn't think of any lullabies so I sang Christmas songs. What can I say, I knew them by heart.... Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer was the song of choice. Well, tonight I was feeding Nolan his dinner by Christmas tree light and Rudolph came on. I started singing, he started dancing and smiling in his chair and I started crying. I am sure my son will always wonder why he feels so connected to the song Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and why his mother always cries when it comes on.....
I am excited about something though. I went to Kohl's - with the help of my mom - and bought 20 books of "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You". They are selling them for $5 for some charity and I bought them to give to the NICU in Phoenix Childrens Hospital. I am asking that they include them in the grief package a parent gets when their child dies in the NICU. I am going to write a short note and mention how this gift is in honor of Nolan and memory of Eli. I think I have saved money to buy another 20 before Christmas so we can donate 40 of them. Cried about that too.
Got good news on the cancer front. All the blood tests came back clear. I am VERY low on vitamin D though. I was having a problem before my thyroid was removed and now not having a thyroid can make it worse. More blood tests in 10 weeks. We will see how those go.
So it seems the drugs are kicking in. I will leave you with a final picture. My little man laughing at the cat Tobey that grandma Judy has flying through the air in front of him.