Thursday, December 29, 2011

Love, Joy and Believing

I am taking a 10 day countdown to 2012 online and there are some posts I made that I would like to share.

For Deceember 24th - My Biggest Personal Goal for 2012 is....
I bought 3 Christmas ornaments this year - one each for my sons and one for me. They are matching silver/red stockings with a word written on them.
- Nolan's says Joy - because he is my biggest joy in my life.
- Eli's says Love - because he has helped me to understand love in a way that only losing a child can.
- Mine says Believe - because I have lost my belief in things and to live my life in Joy and Love I have to have Believe.
My biggest personal GOAL for 2012 is to Believe again.

These are gifts I bought for myself or received as gifts from Eli.

For December 25th - Something I did in 2011 that makes me really proud is ....
That I have provided for my son and I. Single and self employed has not been easy but with the loving help of my mom and some stubborn determination I have done it. A nice place to live, lots of time together, a "working" relationship with his dad and a stable, consistent, loving, safe home. He is a happy little boy. We aren't doing too bad and I am really proud of that. :)
Nolan and I on Christmas night

I am writing about these two posts because they made me think. :)

I realized that I have always believed that it all works out in the end and if it hasn't worked out yet it is not the end. This thought has moved me through much of my life. When I see Eli's death as the end then there is no way in hell I can actually believe that anymore - so what do I believe? I think the death of a child, especially your child forces you to revisit everything you have ever thought, perceived or believed to be true. I don't think revisiting our beliefs is a bad thing
I can tell you it can be a VERY hard thing. My belief in love and the goodness in this world has helped me move through much in my life. It is time for me to believe again. When I remember what that belief is I will let you know.

Concerning the post on proudest thing for 2011 - I had never thought about it until the moment of that question. I just did what needed to be done and I continued to love, through the tears and the fear and the pain and the aloneness
look what I got? A life not simple or easy or without pain but so full of love and light that I was amazed. :)

Thank you my friend Tova for posting these questions.

1 comment:

  1. Love this!! Means so much to me that it meant so much to you... your answers were awesome. :)