The second anniversary of Eli's death. The anniversary of the death of your child is something no parent ever wants to experience. As I was laying in bed this morning I flashed forward to the 20th anniversary of his death and I quickly wondered if I would be crying that morning too after crying myself to sleep the night before....
While I was driving in the car today I heard this song - many times. I kept hitting replay on my ipod.
Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me
I know, might seem corny, but just hang with me for a second and keep reading.
From the first moment I heard the song in 2010 it brought tears to my eyes. The lyrics moved me but I couldn't completely understand why, until today. That was when I started to cry - I got it..
This had been my song to my higher self, my soul, my God.
Screaming at the top of my lungs -
What do you want from me????
Begging them not to give up on me as I figured all this out. Since the pregnancy diagnosis in March 2010, I have been smacked up side the head, again and again. Some of them were obvious and beautiful blessings (the pregnancy - twins) and some I had to work REALLY hard to see the blessing (there are still some I haven't shared completely yet). Just as I would catch my breath and balance myself again something else happened. None of them felled me permanently but my knees have been bruised for awhile now....
All of the words are perfect and exactly what I said and pleaded for from above and within -
- Slow it down
- Yeah, I am afraid
- It messed me up, need a second to breathe
- Just keep coming around (please)
- WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?!?!
The answer, I hear now, I understand now. You want me to love, know love, give love, BE LOVE. All of these things I have experienced since March 2010 have broken down my denials, my illusions, my protective barriers. I have been laid bare and I now understand that the ONLY thing that is real and worthwhile in this human experience is Love.
And so I will listen -
I will Love.
Loving takes courage.
Loving is not for the weak.
It demands vulnerability.
It demands surrendering.
It demands being real.
And it is the only option in my life now - to Love.
So, I chose to make this day, September 15th, the first annual Love Out Loud Day. I deliberately chose Eli's angelversary because of all I have learned of love during my pregnancy, the boys birth, Eli's death and every day after that. Love is not the absence of sadness or grief. Love is a choice in the face and experience of absence and grief. Often they go hand in hand. Sadness and grief do not cancel out Love, they just makes us work harder to see it. On September 15, 2010, I loved and had to learn how to care for a premature baby with some special needs and a baby who had died - at the same time. For my own sanity and ability to function I HAD to come from a different place in love. I HAD to go bigger in my understanding of love. So I choose today for Love Out Loud Day. It was the only day that made sense for me.
I am already beginning to kick around plans for next year. I want to plan some community events in support of Love Out Loud Day. I am still working on the website for it - www.loveoutloudday.com.
All this because two little boys came into my life on a roller coaster experience. One was able to stay with me and one needed to go back home.