I know I haven't written much lately. As I mentioned in my last post there were some changes happening that, to put it plainly, I didn't know what to say. I will talk about those in another post. But I knew that the 2nd birthday of my beautiful little boys and my letters to them was the perfect time to step back into my blog.
So here goes!
To My Amazing Nolan -
What a year it has been. There is no one on this earth who would look at you now and know that you started out fighting TTTS, born 13 weeks early and spent almost 3 months in the hospital with two surgeries under your belt before you were 6 months old. This past year, you moved from standing up with the help of the furniture to running around with excitement and pure joy. You graduated from your need for thickened formula/milk and are now eating like an adult. Well, almost, if you know of any adults who like to rub mashed up banana chunks in their hair or sometimes the random piece of hot dog. I am guessing it is good for your hair because you have beautiful hair. You are still careful with your words and haven't stepped out to claim any one word as your official first word but boy can you let me know what you want. With the way that you read and study things, sometimes I think you will actually read me a book the first time you talk. :) You have become a fan of the Super Why cartoon on PBS. Even giving a kiss to Pig and Red Riding Hood sometimes when they come on. You have good taste - both are very cute. :) You have learned to be friends with Tobey the cat, to Tobey's relief, and understand the term "gentle hands" when you pet him. You love applause and clapping, for anyone, anytime, so filled with joy, smiling a huge smile and clapping away.
You have perfected the art of throwing yourself down on the floor so you have a soft landing during your rare 5-10 second tantrums. And have even been known to laugh at yourself while throwing those tantrums. You have also perfected the art of throwing a ball, actually two balls at once! Your intuitive sense of how electronics work and what buttons do what amazes and maybe even scares me sometimes. And you still shine your light brightly. I see the looks that children and adults give you when they pass by, smiling, waving, little girls coming up to try and kiss you. Oh yeah, that Venus/Mars conjunction in Libra is showing up already! (Astrology talk for charming.)
You got sick for the first time and the second time and the third time this past year but you are so strong that the first time was only for 48hrs and the third time only happened because your immune system was down from the 2nd time. :0) You saw a chiropractor and he told me that you had to be one of the strongest little boys he had ever worked on. PS - you charmed him too.
What I have learned from you -
I could spend all day, every day with you and I would still want more. I love that "Nolan's mommy" is one of the hats I wear in my life, one of the most important ones in my life. Being responsible for you makes me want to do more and do better for you, for us. You have shown me that being present in the moment is one of the best things I can do for both of us. You will always have my heart, even as you grow up, find your own way and make your own life. It is my love for you that has gotten me up and moving every single day this year, with a back injury from an accident and other health issues. There were times before you and your brother when I would hide under the covers to just get away for awhile. I don't do that any more. I get up and make a life for us. Not because I have to but because you have worked so damn hard to be this wonderful child that you are. You are making it past your challenges and difficulties to be here now, you deserve at least the same from me. You teach me about love every day with every breath, every smile, every tear.
I love you my shining little boy.
To My Amazing Eli -
All I have to do is say your name and I am filled with your presence. This communication and connection between us is natural and real. I love that you ride in the car with me and we talk then. It is that quiet time when I feel close to you. And then just as confirmation you make yourself available to my friends who are open to hearing and feeling you. People respond to your spirit as strongly as people respond to Nolan.
I know that it is you who is working on the other side to help bring the parents of those children to me. The children who let me know why they do what they do and what their parents need to understand to help them cope and function in this earthly life. And these children see me. Your life and death helped me to step into that part of my work. You also help me in connecting with those who have passed. You are my bridge and I am so thankful.
As I started standing up and speaking to groups again, it was your spirit that came to me. I felt your love and a couple of times simply giggled in joy at the feel of you. You have helped me, made me Love Out Loud and See Love in all things. I am honored to continue to feel and share your love in my heart with as many as I can. I will continue acts of service and kindness, large and small, in your name and your memory.
And I still cry tears because this human mama still wishes to see your eyes, hear your laugh, kiss your cheeks and hold you close. I miss you in the physical. It is one of my greatest hopes that I will again get to hold you close to me and know that it is you that I am holding and that you will know me.
Your birthday party is on the 9th. Keep an eye out for those balloons we will be sending to you. They will have notes of love and birthday wishes all over them, from some of those people you have touched. Your name will be on the birthday cake too. Nolan and I will blow out your candle for you. :)
Eli, my star angel. "Some people only dream of angels. I held one in my arms."
"A luminous light remains where a beautiful soul has passed." Thank you for lighting my way through my grief at your departure.
I love you heart and soul.
And PS -
Thank you for entertaining Nolan when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I know, I hear him laughing. :)
To both of my boys -
You continue to do your magic in my life as I knew you would. Just being here, being who and how you are is a gift of love, growth, service, joy, happiness and patience. I really don't know if things "happen for a reason" or if there is a "great plan" but I know that I will continue to find the perfection of having you both as my sons for the rest of my life. I know I am blessed to have two powerful spiritual beings in my life, as my sons. I am so grateful for you. It is my job as your mother to create places on this earth for your light to shine brightly and I will continue to do that with great love.