Saturday, September 3, 2011

A Letter to My Boys

My darlings -

Mommy here. I just had to write you a letter on this amazing day - the first anniversary of your birth! It was on September 4, 2010 that you decided to make your very dramatic entrances into this world. Nolan Gabriel, you were born first at 1:55a - you seemed VERY impatient to come out. Eli Michael, you were born next at 2a - you were VERY hesitant to come out. You are my first and second children. What blessings you are.

Though you are identical twins I am learning the roles you are playing in my life are oh, so, very different.

My "sweets" Nolan - I love you so. What a gift you are in my life, every single day. I am honored to be your mommy. You have taught me just how patient I can be. You have confirmed that it really is the simple things, like your smile, your sleeping face, you reaching out to me to be picked up, that hold the meanings of the universe. I have always been protective of those I love AND nothing compares to how I feel about you. If someone wants to get to you they have to go through me and I am not easy to go through. I am in awe of the miracle of you. There were so many times when I was pregnant with you and your brother that something could have gone wrong in our battle with TTTS and I could have lost you. You have fought unbelievable battles to be here today to celebrate your 1st birthday. I am so proud of you.

Nolan, I believe that you are here to keep me on track on this earthly plane. Keeping me moving forward and making my goals for this life more concrete. You ground me, my little Virgo son. I desire to create a home and life where you are safe and surrounded by color, joy, beauty and love. I intend to teach you how to navigate being human in this world and always help you to remember the amazing spiritual being that you are. I know that I must live and breathe these things in order to support you and so I do - And will continue to grow in this area for the both of us.

Nolan Gabriel

My "star child" Eli - I love you so. You are missed daily by me, your brother and all your family. Somehow I knew, somewhere inside, that you wouldn't be staying long on this earth, regardless of how much I wanted you to be here. I still cry for you and I am thankful to say that the deep evil void I felt at your death has lessened. But this, of course, I know you know already. I feel you, hear you and see you and I know your brother does too. Thank you for the 11 beautiful days you gave me to see you, touch you, talk to you, hold you, feed you, change you, advocate for you. I am learning from you, my beautiful son. I know that you are helping me to be a better mother to your brother. I am blessed to have you as my teacher. I am blessed to have you as my son.

Eli, I believe you are here to help push me forward in a way that your brother cannot. It was through your death that I was forced to go to places in my heart and soul I had never conceived of before. I carry you deep within me (like I did when I was pregnant) You live, grow and thrive within me. You force me to walk my talk. I will work hard to do good work in this world in memory of you and in honor of the love you helped me to understand.

Eli Michael

Happy Birthday my sweet, darling, miracle boys. I love you always and forever. It is my deepest hope and greatest intention that I be the person I believe I can be so that I can be the best mother I can be to each of you, in the best way possible.

Love you with the depth of my being -

Your mommy

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