I have been focusing on healing my grief. This experience is causing me to look deeper into what I believe, what I have taught and definitely what I say to myself, my clients, everyone in my life.
There are some things I have begun to understand. The popular new age thought process of "you can change anything" and "have anything you want" just does not ring as true to me now. I understand how it can be empowering to someone who believes they do not have the ability to change their circumstance or alter their world and I believe in the power and the truth of that. AND there are somethings that I as a human being or even a spiritual being can not change or have, especially when it has to do with the experience of another human being or the evolution of another spiritual being. The death of my son has taught me this. In this moment in time the one thing I would change in my life is to have Eli at home with Nolan and I but that was not meant to be and I cannot change that. I do not get what I want in this instance. So where do I go with what I used to believe and what is my deeper understanding now?
It is my knowing that Eli came to this earth in the little form he took to play a very large part in my life, Nolan's life and in the lives of those who knew and loved him BUT he also came for himself, for his short human experience and for his own soul evolution. Regardless of how much I prayed, cried, meditated, visualized, supported and protected his body and his life I could not change his own soul evolution because it was not about me. In a way it never was but there can be something in the experience for me. I was given the gift of his life and his evolution and though it was so much shorter than I wanted it to be it is HIS life and HIS evolution, not mine. He may have come into this world in a 2lb 4oz body but he was a fully developed part of divinity, as we all are, and had his own path to experience. Regardless of anything I used to believe I now know that we cannot have anything we want or change anything we desire to.
So, where does that leave me? When we are part of an experience that we cannot change or have what we desire what do we do next? This is what I have been working on
- Changing my understanding, perception of the experience of Eli's death - I ALWAYS, in any situation, have the opportunity to decide/create what an experience means to me. Some use the term, learning but I just don't know about thinking about these things as lessons - and this comes from someone who loves to learn! The word experiences just feels better to me so that is what I go with. It was Eli's life, his experience and because it occurred and touched mine it is also my life and my experience.
- Understanding that there are simply some things that we do not get to have or change creates a depth of compassion, for myself and for others that is new in all it's beauty.
- Any guilt of not being "strong" enough or "spiritual" enough to manifest my desires dissipates. Talk to anyone who was in the position of being a decision maker concerning someone's health and they will tell you about the "what if's" that have run through their head, especially if the outcome was not what they so badly wanted.
- And the most important piece - As I move through all of this there is one thing that rings clearly..... It is that as I go through this process Eli lives within me and outside of me. As I come to awareness of all of this I inherently change how I work with my clients and how I am with those in my life. Eli lives in that too. When this process is complete the next step, whatever that may be, Eli will also live in that. This makes him endless, timeless and always alive. Thank you for helping me to understand that.
I will end with the quote that I saw this morning that started this post.
"This moment contains all moments." - C.S. Lewis
All that has happened is held in this moment.
All that will happen is a seed in this moment. - Addition by me.