I have begun to become aware of something - just how isolated I have become. I remember when I was pregnant and learned about the boys. I signed up for a number of local moms of multiple groups. I had it all planned in my head how we would get out and around and how wonderful it would be to meet other moms with twins just like me! I was looking forward to connecting with all these people then I learned about TTTS and the rest of 2010 was, as they say, history.
Fast forward to now. I am connected with a special group of moms - moms who have lost their baby(ies) to TTTS. These women are amazing and I am blessed that I have them as cyber sisters. I have a sisterhood with my sister in law who also had her baby die after birth last year. She has been a big support to me. I hope I have been for her.
The rest of my life goes like this
- I go to my "office" for 20 hours a week and see my clients. Many of them are regulars but they are my clients. They are not coming to see me to hear about my life. They are paying me to talk about theirs.
- I have a couple of friends there too but depending on how busy we all are we may or may not get to talk much.
- I am teaching at SWIHA and work with wonderful groups of students but once again I am the teacher and it is about them, not about me.
- Nolan's doctor appointments - he often has a couple a week but those are about/for Nolan.
- I work on my Rediscovering Your Light project, by myself on line.
I talked to a friend of mine who is a massage therapist about making an appointment or two to see her. She is very talented and after her massages I feel relaxed and very nurtured. I miss being touched. I am so affectionate with Nolan and he does give me his special Nolan kisses, :D, which I love and it is not the same. It is not his responsibility to take care of or give to me. It is my responsibility and joy to do that for him.
Don't get me wrong I am not complaining. Everything I do in my life has great meaning to me AND I am feeling disconnected. I had been thinking about this recently and was really feeling it when I spoke with a woman with a baby who sat down next to Nolan and I today.
I was out with Nolan walking around one of the outside malls near us. We decided to take a seat and watch the kids play. A woman asked if she and her son could sit next to us. I said yes. She started to chat and I learned that her 7 month old son is named Eli. The first baby Eli I have met, other than mine. I held it together then but when she started asking other questions my whole story just fell out and I started to cry. She was very sweet and kind as her eyes welled up with tears. We chatted for a little more and she asked me if I did any activities with Nolan. I said no. She said she was a member of a couple of different mom's groups and one of them was offering a mommy and me yoga class every Friday morning starting next week. She invited Nolan and I to join. Every moment shared with her seemed to be filled with divine intervention. Even though I am sitting here crying as I type this I can't help but feel that Eli is telling me it's okay, all is good with him. It's like he was answering the thoughts going through my head by bringing this woman to come sit next to me and talk to me. That part makes my heart smile. I haven't talked to a stranger, other to say thank you, excuse me or to answer a question about Nolan in a long time. And I probably would not have talk with her if her son hadn't been named Eli. My chat with the woman who had a baby boy with the same name as my angel helped me to become aware of this. I have few friends with living babies. If I join this yoga class, can I do this? Find the joy and pleasure in it? And not be that sad mom who had one of her twins die?
I don't know.
Tomorrow is their nine month birthday.
Hello Eli my love.
Happy Nine months my darling Nolan.