"The older I get the more beautiful life becomes." - Frank Llyod Wright
I turned 43 yesterday. I neither look for feel like I used to but that could have much more to do with what my experiences have been for the past year more than a calendar age. To say my life had or hadn't gone as planned would be saying that I had a plan, which I really never did. No master plan as to how my life would work but it is safe to say that I could not have guessed how it would be in this moment. This moment right now, a quiet home with Nolan in his swing sucking on his fingers listening to the environmental sounds of rain falling, enjoying the beauty of this moment all the while feeling the emptiness of only having one son with me. But there is beauty in it, in this moment.
I remember when I was 35 and I was having a biological clock crisis. According to conventional wisdom my baby bearing years were coming to an end and I had to be ok with it. There was no man to create a family with on the horizon so I dealt with the sadness of possibly never being a mother in this life. I did it. But seven years later when that home pregnancy test showed positive almost exactly a year ago I was in shock and happy beyond imagination. And then to learn that I was carrying two.......
I posted on facebook tonight "I. Miss. Eli. Period." and a friend of mine wrote back that I am blessed to be his mom. I agree with her completely. Eli was everything I wanted except one flaw, his life was too short. Nolan is everything I wanted except one flaw, he is a twinless twin. And yet I am blessed to know I gave birth to them, care for them, love them. There is beauty in that, not a beauty I would have fully chosen, but it is there, every moment, for the rest of my life.
To find the beauty in a moment, even if the moment is one of tremendous grief, is a gift. A gift I am beginning to comprehend. An awareness of such sadness brings a poignancy and sharp definition to the beauty in a moment, in humanity, on this earth and within me. I begin to embrace my beauty even more fully. This is one of Eli's gift to me, one of many I am sure.
I am still a woman without much a plan even at 43, single and with child in tow but I am ok with that - if "it" is really about the journey and not the destination then I have done the journey well so far. And now I have an angel who I gave birth to who helps me step by step to see the beauty as Nolan and I continue on this journey together. The 3 Musketeers.