Saturday, February 26, 2011

Wandering and Muchness

I have found myself wandering around mentally and emotionally recently. Wandering itself is not a bad thing. When I do it with a sense of wonder, anticipation and excitement, I love it. I have been wandering around in the dark, per se. In connection to the sadness and grief I have been feeling. Then it feels like there is nothing right the world anymore and everything good is being snuffed out by thoughtlessness, thievery and carelessness. When I wander like this, I usually get into trouble, mental and emotional trouble this time. I found myself obsessing about the recent state of politics, all the people who are fighting for what they believe in and the politicians who seem to have lost their sense of decency, compassion and wisdom, if they ever had it. I was falling into a hole. Hand in hand with that was an inability to smile, focus, function, bounce back from basic daily setbacks. It was time to change my focus. Meditation was not working, working with my clients was not working, talking to friends was not working......

Then inspiration hit. I found a project. The project is based on the quote I posted as my facebook status a couple of days ago. "I used to be much muchier , I think I have lost my muchness." This quote came from my sister in law and niece. It is from Alice in Wonderland and it explains how I have been feeling lately. Since Eli's death I have felt like a shell of myself - a strange combination of intense sadness covered over with a bubble of emptiness and on top of that what seems to be my normal self. Sometimes the sadness breaks through, sometimes I am sure that I look empty, at least around the edges.... But now I have a project to focus on, something to help me to move through. It is still in the formation stages but I am hoping that it is something that other baby loss moms and dads can use to help heal the grief from the loss of their child and find their own muchness again.

More to come.

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