Friday, February 4, 2011

Five Months Today

It was five months ago today that I gave birth to my two boys, the first time I saw them and the first time I touched them - all 2lbs 4oz each of them. Nolan is now around 15lbs!

We celebrated Nolan's 5 months by getting professional pictures taken. I took in his star blanket (I bought matching ones for Eli and Nolan) and Eli's teddy bear as props for his pictures. He did so well. We didn't get any smiles in his pictures, he was very serious and very sweet. I did not have the $160 to buy the smallest package but I did have $69 to buy 4 sheets of pictures. They will be ready to be picked up on February 17th. They are beautiful.

I turned on the flameless candles I bought for Eli. I have one above the fireplace next to his picture collage and one in my room in the glass cabinet where I have his mementos stored. I turn them on the 4th and turn them off on the 15th - Eli's life on this earth. Those 11 days were really rough last month. Sometimes it is so hard to focus or get anything done - grief hits me that way.

A friend of mine gave birth to her 4th baby yesterday. I am happy and excited for her. Her son is beautiful. When I saw that her baby was born, at home I think, I felt a wave of sadness - grief for my own pregnancy.... There was so much stress during my pregnancy because of the sadness of Owen's death, the stupid drama with the boys' father and then the TTTS diagnosis and all the medical and financial problems from that..... From July until their birth I was in constant fear that one or both of them would die at any time from TTTS. I did not have the joyful experience I always wanted - a time of celebration, shared love and positive expectations. In the scheme of things this grief is tiny compared to my grief for Eli and I would absolutely go through all of it again regardless - and yet I find myself sad at things that were not meant to be.

Nolan's surgery is next week, Wednesday the 9th. I had to make an appointment with Linda for a hypno session because I was losing my mind due to the fear. The terrible places I was going in my head were incapacitating to me making it almost impossible to function. After seeing her I got some breathing room. For Nolan and for myself, I cannot live my life in fear that something will happen to him, we both deserve more. Step by step, I continue to release that fear remembering to breathe.

Nolan's beautiful smile. :0)

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