You may have noticed a name change in my blog. I'm glad you have found us even with the name change. I have a number of reasons why I did this but the biggest and truest reason is that life has changed, and I have grown. My love for my sons has grown and how I express that love out loud has changed and expanded. And the new title of the blog now mirrors that.
Crystal baby - is my sweet survivor, Nolan. He's 5 now and in his final year of preschool. He is my crystal child. He is one of many children coming in who need a different world so that they can grow, develop and thrive. He is my driving force of change; in my life, in his life and in the world. Change is never easy and he challenges me to embody the change I wish to see in the world. He is the reason I am "Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi. I have danced back and forth on embracing this - Back because of fear that it was too big and too small and because before 2010 I never wanted to do this... And forth because it was mine to do because of love, what I know to be right and because I am uniquely qualified to do it. (As we all are uniquely qualified to succeed in our own lives) I was resisting the change. I am done resisting. Let's do this.
Star baby - is my sweet little man, Eli. Star baby is my best way to describe him. He was symbolized by Angel baby in the previous blog title which is a common title in the baby loss community. It's used to let others know that this baby is a baby who has died in utero or shortly after birth. I have used angel baby with conflicting feelings. It just never seemed to fit what I felt. Star baby always felt right and true. Images of the sky, stars, galaxies and universes was just a better match to Eli's energy. The work I do in the TTTS Support Team non-profit is just a small expression of my continuing love for my son.
Me - is me. This one has been hard too. My life is not quiet, nor slow but it can be repetitive and overwhelming. I have always embraced self love and self care AND I watched me slowly go under with the demands of my life over the past couple of years. I remember my flight attendant days where I would advise 100+ people up to 5 times a day to secure their oxygen mask first and then assist their child or the person next to them. I would have people ask why and I would explain that if they don't help themselves they cannot help anyone else.... Yes, I used to teach people this.... And yet... It was never my intention to ignore or disregard myself, I believe I deserve love and care.. It was exhaustion and overwhelm that stopped it and now I have further to go to get back to where I was and more forward. I am hoping that since I have stopped fighting what is I will have much more energy to live in what is, happily.
So here we are Crystal Baby - Star Baby and Me living in peace with reality and ready for change!
Thank you Byron Katie.