It has been a week and half since my ovary-ectomy and I have been healing well. I have a tendency to treat these types of things rather casually and then wonder what the heck was I thinking afterwards. It's probably part of my "rose colored glasses" syndrome. While I absolutely can be sarcastic, deep inside there is always a part of me who is looking to find the positive in every situation. While I have been challenged in that talent in the past couple of years I find that it has honed my skills in finding the positive. As a matter of fact it taught me to sit and wait through the pain if need be because there would be something positive coming. Who would have thought?
Anyway, I made it through the surgery and the after effects of the anesthesia, no throwing up, no violent shaking just the usual waking up in pain. Once again I couldn't lift Nolan for a couple of days so my mom, the 65 year old body builder (lol) was my muscle in caring for my son. Thank goodness for her!
My belly is still a little lumpy from a couple of the incisions but I know that will heal and go away. I have been wondering about any emotional feelings about having one of my ovaries removed. I thought I might feel some sadness or feeling of loss, but I don't. Either it has not shown it's face yet or because I still have one working ovary and do not need any type of medication maybe there is no grief to experience? I will learn next week what the doctor hears back on the pathology of it. It is my greatest hope that this be done.
I have been having some challenges with "where I want to be" right now. I am a member of a good sized online community who have come together because TTTS impacted their life somehow. I am a member of two grief groups, co-admin of one, and then a member of one larger general group. I have been questioning my need to be there and who/what I am serving by remaining. I love the parents I have met there, especially the loss parents and the thought of leaving is hard but I just don't know if I am making a difference or helping anyone with staying. Everyone has a limited amount of time they have to give to any one thing, whether that time is 30 minutes a day or 30 hours a week and because I feel so connected to some of these beautiful people I am at a loss in deciding what is my available time. I guess I will know this answer when I know it and so I will wait.
I am also a part of a grief support group that sends care packages out to newly grieving TTTS mothers/parents just to say I know, I have been there, I am sorry for your loss. I sent my 2nd package this week and I got a message from the mom I sent it to saying thank you. That means a lot to me. I went through much of the loss of Eli and Nolan's NICU stay by myself, by my choice. I had support from my mom and a good connection with a couple of the NICU nurses there but I didn't talk to anyone who had gone through it. I wonder if it would have helped? For as passionate as I am in offering support it is interesting that I never even asked about or looked into getting some for myself?
Eli died 19 months ago tomorrow morning. I had a big cry last night. It just hit hard out of nowhere. Sometimes it is still so difficult not to wonder how Nolan and Eli would play (or fight) together at this age. Nolan is so beautiful and full of spirit and joy. I have had the thought that if I had both of them here with me that I would explode in love. I don't know how my human heart could hold the experience of having two sets of Nolan's eyes looking at me with love like he does. Then my human heart hurts because I will never know, at least not in this lifetime.
Nolan and I went for a walk a couple of days ago and this was the Eli sky we were gifted to see together.
Thank you Eli.
We love you.