Sunday, August 14, 2011

Diagnosis and Another Curve Ball

For someone who has always sucked at sports, I know a curve ball when I see one. I haven't written much lately - for a couple of reasons. There have some goings on in my life that I couldn't talk about until I talked to all of my family.

On August 1st I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer (still difficult for me to say/write). I have had challenges with my thyroid for years and have tried all natural, alternative and western medicine treatments that I could find without much avail. Last year when I was pregnant my new ob/gyn noticed my thyroid was swollen and sent me to see an endocrinologist. When I was sent to get a biopsy they couldn't do it, the nodule had shrunk to a quarter of it's size. I had to go in again in July. It was still very small but they were able to biopsy. They found cancer cells. My first response - "WTF?" not said loudly in an angry voice but softly in a voice of shock. With everything that happened last year - as I heal from a difficult and fearful TTTS pregnancy, as I move out of dark grief from Eli's death, as I get comfortable and more confident in Nolan's health, growth and development - another curve ball that I could not have not guessed at a year and half ago comes into my life. I needed to sit with the information.

This is where I have been for the past couple of weeks, sitting with that diagnosis and googling. There is good news here. Thyroid cancer has very high survivor rates with the treatment I will be getting, especially when it is the kind that I have in it's earliest stages. All of these are good things
it is something else for me to heal. I am having surgery to remove my thyroid on August 23rd and then I go on thyroid medication. It looks like I will have one round of radioactive iodine in September to kill any other thyroid cells still left and then I should be done, completely.

I know that I must move through this experience differently than the ones this past year. I HAVE to release all my fears, go deep into my past, go to those places I had healed once already and do it again, do it more. Because it is not just about the recent wounds but this diagnosis is breaking open old ones and demanding healing on an even more transformative level.

And so I am healing right now. In this moment.

My new mantra or prayer "I am releasing all resentment, anger, fear and sadness from my complete being. I am healthy."


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