"In the circles I've been running,
I've covered many miles,
And I could search forever for what's right before my eyes,
Just when I thought I'd found it,
It was nothing like I'd planned,
When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands,
Here with you I feel it,
I close my eyes and see it,"
"When I'm crashing through the madness,
Not sure who I'm supposed to be,
When I'm caught up in the darkness,
It's your hand that's leading me,
You bring me back to solid ground,
You lift me up right here, right now"
Even before I was pregnant, this song would bring tears to my eyes. After Eli's death I would play it over and over and over again, specifically listening to this part
In the circles I've been running,
I've covered many miles,
And I could search forever for what's right before my eyes,
Just when I thought I'd found it,
It was nothing like I'd planned,
When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands.
It perfectly expresses how I feel about finally becoming a mother and then having twins and losing Eli. I still cry when I hear or read it. - My identical twin boys, my Eli slipped right through my hands. Eli left us 8 months ago today.
My previous post was on my special day for being Eli's mommy. Last Sunday was my special day for being Nolan's mommy. Nolan got his first tooth on Mother's Day to celebrate. What a perfect gift for me, seeing my earth baby growing and developing. There were some wonderful Mother's day cards. One hand written note touched me and brought tears - "Motherhood was a hard fought battle for you filled with glorious joy and heartbreaking sadness. A battle you faced with courage, dignity and grace..." Yes it was and I hope I do....
It has been a busy couple of weeks. I have been teaching on line, which I love! And with Nolan teething he has been much more demanding and fussy. He wants to be held and just will not let himself nap for much longer than 20 minutes at a time. When he wakes up from his naps he wakes up with a scream. It is not a scream of anger, it sounds like a scream of fear. When he wakes up he wakes up alone. He does not like to be alone. I truly believe he is missing his brother.
Nolan has gotten another helmet to help his skull to continue to form correctly. He will wear it until he grows out of it, probably for about 8 weeks. It's plain white right now. So, now I just need to decorate it as wonderfully as I did his first one. :) He is still on thickened formula, taking medication for his reflux and still on the apnea monitor. We have appointments with all three doctors so we will see if anything will be changing soon for him. He is really interested in food and starting to sit up on his own really well. I think it is time to start baby food if the gastroenterologist gives the ok.
I have been to the doctor a couple of times myself. There is a concern with my thyroid. The ultra sounds have shown a couple of nodules (which is not a problem) one of them is showing microcalcifications (one of the indicators of cancer). I was scheduled to get a biopsy last week but as it turned out they seemed to have shrunk so were too small to biopsy. I now have to wait until August and go through it again. I have very mixed feelings about this. I am working on seeing it as good news, that my body is healing itself. But I have to be honest and say that my biggest experience about this challenge is that it brings back the trauma of my pregnancy last year and all the fear and waiting that went along with our diagnosis of TTTS. I fell into overwhelm VERY quickly, that moment in the doctor's office I think.... Sometimes I just cry everyday again. I am working myself through it and have started a new way of eating and supporting my body through food, vitamins and supplements. It seems as though both my thyroid and adrenals have crashed due to the stress of last year.
Finally - I started the project that I was talking about back in March. Rediscovering Your Light. The facebook page is up and running. The web site is in processes. I am excited about it and am looking forward to doing more with it. All of it because of my boys.
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