To say that my journey to motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be is quite the understatement. My journey, so far, has been filled with fear, acceptance, acute sadness, great joy, intense financial concerns and overwhelm. It has required that I re-create myself in the experience. I have always felt fairly strong. This journey has brought me to my knees as it was forced in my face that I had little control on the outcome of many things. I must say though that I was often amazed when I was feeling my weakest and most insecure was exactly when I was told by others that they were impressed by my strength. Interesting how that happens...
It is in this re-creation of self I am forced to rely on things and people in a way I never had. I believe that many/all parents carry a certain amount of fear concerning their children. I also believe that once you have lost a child this fear is intensified. It can cloud my perceptions and take over my decisions, thoughts and experiences. It is within that experience that my re-creation is happening. I must function differently so that I am not swallowed up by my own fears. I must allow myself comfort where and when I can find it. I must allow myself to feel and honor my grief and my son, Eli, and not get lost in it.
One of my re-creations of self is my interest in grief and how it affects us, all of us and just how much healing so many of us need for so many different reasons. I read a paper on the use of hypnotherapy for traumatic grief. It described how the trauma actually delays or can stop the grief cycle in it's tracks, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Having your 11 day old son die in your arms can bring along PTSD. Even though I wanted him to be in my arms at his passing, hearing me, feeling me, I did not want him to die. PTSD intensifies grief but does not allow anyone to move through, leaving the person experiencing it stuck. The PTSD must be managed, healed, released before the grieving person can move forward into healing themselves.
There is too much unhealed, unresolved grief in this world. It makes us strike out at others in loss and keeps us stuck so we fear change, no matter how much we hurt. Sometimes we can't even see another way of living. How do I work within that and not be over taken with it? I believe that is what I am being called to do. Is this how I can honor Eli AND my grief over his loss?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
March of Dimes 2011
This morning was my first March of Dimes walk. And wouldn't you know it - Cold (in the 50's) and raining, in Arizona, in April! My wonderful sister in law, Natalie, came to town to join me in the walk. We got matching tee shirts last night and got ready to walk in honor of Nolan and in memory of Eli and Owen.
Woke up this morning to pouring down rain so I had to nix the plan to have Nolan join us in his stroller. Felt sadness about that. I really wanted this to be something we would do together but keeping him healthy was more important, so........ he stayed home with grandma and Natalie and I braved the elements; walking shoes on our feet, matching tees, rain jackets, scarfs, 1 pr of gloves to share and 1 umbrella.
I was feeling pretty good despite the late night and early morning. We even had enough time for a drive through starbucks.
We got there and wandered around the booths for a bit then I saw it. There it was. The same isolette that Nolan and Eli were in while in the NICU. At first I smiled and suddenly, out of nowhere I felt tears stinging my eyes and there was no way in the world I could stop crying. It surprised me, this sadness, it took my breath away. I wasn't surprised I was sad but that it hit me in 1.5 seconds. One of my babies graduated from that isolette to an open air crib in the NICU and then, the big graduation, out of the NICU to home. One of them did not. Neither did my nephew.
And then, of course, next to the booth with the isolette was the booth with the Angel Garden. They had foam flowers and pens available so that we could write on a flower in memory of our angels. I picked a flower and pen for Eli. Natalie picked one for Owen and we planted their flowers in that Angel Garden. I was crying so openly that a kind woman I don't know came behind me and sweetly, kindly squeezed my shoulder in sympathy. As I looked up I saw she had tears in her eyes too. She was there to plant a flower for an angel she knew. Natalie was right there crying with me. It meant so much to me that she was there and that I wasn't doing this alone.
We walked, we talked, we danced and sang. We cried. We took pictures for strangers and they took pictures for us. And when we finished the walk it was warmer and drier. There were some lone walkers, some couples, some families and some large groups. Many had matching shirts, some had balloons, signs or matching hats. Some walked in honor, some in memory and I even saw some who walked for both reasons, like Natalie and I.
I am so glad I did this and am so thankful to those who donated to both Natalie and I. I will be there next year too.
But tonight, right now, I am going to go to sleep listening to Nolan's breathing and holding Eli's teddy bear.
Woke up this morning to pouring down rain so I had to nix the plan to have Nolan join us in his stroller. Felt sadness about that. I really wanted this to be something we would do together but keeping him healthy was more important, so........ he stayed home with grandma and Natalie and I braved the elements; walking shoes on our feet, matching tees, rain jackets, scarfs, 1 pr of gloves to share and 1 umbrella.
I was feeling pretty good despite the late night and early morning. We even had enough time for a drive through starbucks.
We got there and wandered around the booths for a bit then I saw it. There it was. The same isolette that Nolan and Eli were in while in the NICU. At first I smiled and suddenly, out of nowhere I felt tears stinging my eyes and there was no way in the world I could stop crying. It surprised me, this sadness, it took my breath away. I wasn't surprised I was sad but that it hit me in 1.5 seconds. One of my babies graduated from that isolette to an open air crib in the NICU and then, the big graduation, out of the NICU to home. One of them did not. Neither did my nephew.
And then, of course, next to the booth with the isolette was the booth with the Angel Garden. They had foam flowers and pens available so that we could write on a flower in memory of our angels. I picked a flower and pen for Eli. Natalie picked one for Owen and we planted their flowers in that Angel Garden. I was crying so openly that a kind woman I don't know came behind me and sweetly, kindly squeezed my shoulder in sympathy. As I looked up I saw she had tears in her eyes too. She was there to plant a flower for an angel she knew. Natalie was right there crying with me. It meant so much to me that she was there and that I wasn't doing this alone.
We walked, we talked, we danced and sang. We cried. We took pictures for strangers and they took pictures for us. And when we finished the walk it was warmer and drier. There were some lone walkers, some couples, some families and some large groups. Many had matching shirts, some had balloons, signs or matching hats. Some walked in honor, some in memory and I even saw some who walked for both reasons, like Natalie and I.
I am so glad I did this and am so thankful to those who donated to both Natalie and I. I will be there next year too.
But tonight, right now, I am going to go to sleep listening to Nolan's breathing and holding Eli's teddy bear.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Nolan Updates
Nolan is almost 7 months and growing wonderfully. As of today he is 26.5 inches long and 17lb 11oz. He is at the 50 percentile for 7 months. That is amazing since he was 3 months early and is only expected to be at 4 months developmentally!
We had an appt with the pulmonologist today to check his apnea monitor. He did have one very small episode where his heart rate dropped on Sunday but other than that it looks good. :) The doctors believe it is still because of his reflux. But that is improving also. He will be tested again in another 2 months and we will be keeping him on the monitor for another couple of months as I start to wean MYSELF off the safety of it.
His surgeon is so happy with how he is healing from the surgery. He is going to start doing less evasive surgeries like Nolan's when he can since Nolan has done so well. My little guy has about another 3-4 weeks in this helmet before he outgrows it. The therapist working with him is so impressed with how good the shape of his head is. We are hoping he will not need to be fitted in to another one. It'll be tough on him during the summer here in Phoenix .
Last but not least, Nolan is a charmer, he charms everyone, men and women alike. People stop and say "Hi, Nolan" smile and tell me how adorable, cute, wonderful he is. We had a family in the elevator with us when we were leaving the hospital today, a mom, dad and two boys. The dad asked why he had a helmet on. I explained and he asked how he was doing. I said great, he is healing well. The dad reached down to Nolan and fist bumped him saying "Good job!"
Loving my Nolan and missing my Eli.
We had an appt with the pulmonologist today to check his apnea monitor. He did have one very small episode where his heart rate dropped on Sunday but other than that it looks good. :) The doctors believe it is still because of his reflux. But that is improving also. He will be tested again in another 2 months and we will be keeping him on the monitor for another couple of months as I start to wean MYSELF off the safety of it.
His surgeon is so happy with how he is healing from the surgery. He is going to start doing less evasive surgeries like Nolan's when he can since Nolan has done so well. My little guy has about another 3-4 weeks in this helmet before he outgrows it. The therapist working with him is so impressed with how good the shape of his head is. We are hoping he will not need to be fitted in to another one. It'll be tough on him during the summer here in Phoenix .
Last but not least, Nolan is a charmer, he charms everyone, men and women alike. People stop and say "Hi, Nolan" smile and tell me how adorable, cute, wonderful he is. We had a family in the elevator with us when we were leaving the hospital today, a mom, dad and two boys. The dad asked why he had a helmet on. I explained and he asked how he was doing. I said great, he is healing well. The dad reached down to Nolan and fist bumped him saying "Good job!"
Loving my Nolan and missing my Eli.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Stories
Nolan sat with me for the first time tonight and let me read him an entire story. He looked at the pages as I read to him alternating between sucking on his fingers or on his bottom lip.
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be."
This was the first book I bought for Nolan. I hope he continues to like story time because I always have but it has been awhile since I had someone to read a story to.
I also think about the stories of my life. I have always said that experiences are just that, experiences. We decide what stories or meanings to attach to them. This has always worked for me. If there was an experience that was causing me pain I would decide to put a different meaning to it. No matter how justified I might have been in my pain, my thought was always, why stay there? So I would see it differently, heal and release. Choosing to live my life this way for awhile has caused me to widen my perceptions, gain clarity, increase my compassion. This pain is different, the pain of Eli's death. I haven't been able to change my perception on this one, not completely and not yet. I wonder how long it will take? I don't know. I do know that Eli's life story does not end with him dying at 11 days old. It does not end September 15, 2010.
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be." - Mommy
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be."
This was the first book I bought for Nolan. I hope he continues to like story time because I always have but it has been awhile since I had someone to read a story to.
I also think about the stories of my life. I have always said that experiences are just that, experiences. We decide what stories or meanings to attach to them. This has always worked for me. If there was an experience that was causing me pain I would decide to put a different meaning to it. No matter how justified I might have been in my pain, my thought was always, why stay there? So I would see it differently, heal and release. Choosing to live my life this way for awhile has caused me to widen my perceptions, gain clarity, increase my compassion. This pain is different, the pain of Eli's death. I haven't been able to change my perception on this one, not completely and not yet. I wonder how long it will take? I don't know. I do know that Eli's life story does not end with him dying at 11 days old. It does not end September 15, 2010.
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be." - Mommy
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"This sadness will not crush you."
"When you experience grief it is important to allow yourself to feel all aspects of it. ALL of it, including the parts that seem 'wrong', the things that don't make sense, the ones that seem silly or small. Do not judge your grief. In most cases we experience things in connection to our loss that we did not expect or maybe don't understand. Acceptance is the key."
"I am afraid that if I let myself feel the sadness that it will never stop."
"It might very well feel like that. You will feel the hurt and that is okay. Okay in the sense as that it is okay that you feel it, not that the hurt is okay. Moving through the grief and allowing it to move through you makes sure that you will NOT find yourself to be that shadow of a person who's sadness has taken over their entire life."
A conversation between myself and one of my clients today. The loss she was working through was different from my experience with the death of my Eli but there were words I was saying to her that I was also in the need of hearing. My next client after her was a woman who was still reeling from the unexpected death of her adult child 3 years ago.
A powerful and moving day of work.
"I am afraid that if I let myself feel the sadness that it will never stop."
"It might very well feel like that. You will feel the hurt and that is okay. Okay in the sense as that it is okay that you feel it, not that the hurt is okay. Moving through the grief and allowing it to move through you makes sure that you will NOT find yourself to be that shadow of a person who's sadness has taken over their entire life."
A conversation between myself and one of my clients today. The loss she was working through was different from my experience with the death of my Eli but there were words I was saying to her that I was also in the need of hearing. My next client after her was a woman who was still reeling from the unexpected death of her adult child 3 years ago.
A powerful and moving day of work.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Beauty and Birthdays
"The older I get the more beautiful life becomes." - Frank Llyod Wright
I turned 43 yesterday. I neither look for feel like I used to but that could have much more to do with what my experiences have been for the past year more than a calendar age. To say my life had or hadn't gone as planned would be saying that I had a plan, which I really never did. No master plan as to how my life would work but it is safe to say that I could not have guessed how it would be in this moment. This moment right now, a quiet home with Nolan in his swing sucking on his fingers listening to the environmental sounds of rain falling, enjoying the beauty of this moment all the while feeling the emptiness of only having one son with me. But there is beauty in it, in this moment.
I remember when I was 35 and I was having a biological clock crisis. According to conventional wisdom my baby bearing years were coming to an end and I had to be ok with it. There was no man to create a family with on the horizon so I dealt with the sadness of possibly never being a mother in this life. I did it. But seven years later when that home pregnancy test showed positive almost exactly a year ago I was in shock and happy beyond imagination. And then to learn that I was carrying two.......
I posted on facebook tonight "I. Miss. Eli. Period." and a friend of mine wrote back that I am blessed to be his mom. I agree with her completely. Eli was everything I wanted except one flaw, his life was too short. Nolan is everything I wanted except one flaw, he is a twinless twin. And yet I am blessed to know I gave birth to them, care for them, love them. There is beauty in that, not a beauty I would have fully chosen, but it is there, every moment, for the rest of my life.
To find the beauty in a moment, even if the moment is one of tremendous grief, is a gift. A gift I am beginning to comprehend. An awareness of such sadness brings a poignancy and sharp definition to the beauty in a moment, in humanity, on this earth and within me. I begin to embrace my beauty even more fully. This is one of Eli's gift to me, one of many I am sure.
I am still a woman without much a plan even at 43, single and with child in tow but I am ok with that - if "it" is really about the journey and not the destination then I have done the journey well so far. And now I have an angel who I gave birth to who helps me step by step to see the beauty as Nolan and I continue on this journey together. The 3 Musketeers.
I turned 43 yesterday. I neither look for feel like I used to but that could have much more to do with what my experiences have been for the past year more than a calendar age. To say my life had or hadn't gone as planned would be saying that I had a plan, which I really never did. No master plan as to how my life would work but it is safe to say that I could not have guessed how it would be in this moment. This moment right now, a quiet home with Nolan in his swing sucking on his fingers listening to the environmental sounds of rain falling, enjoying the beauty of this moment all the while feeling the emptiness of only having one son with me. But there is beauty in it, in this moment.
I remember when I was 35 and I was having a biological clock crisis. According to conventional wisdom my baby bearing years were coming to an end and I had to be ok with it. There was no man to create a family with on the horizon so I dealt with the sadness of possibly never being a mother in this life. I did it. But seven years later when that home pregnancy test showed positive almost exactly a year ago I was in shock and happy beyond imagination. And then to learn that I was carrying two.......
I posted on facebook tonight "I. Miss. Eli. Period." and a friend of mine wrote back that I am blessed to be his mom. I agree with her completely. Eli was everything I wanted except one flaw, his life was too short. Nolan is everything I wanted except one flaw, he is a twinless twin. And yet I am blessed to know I gave birth to them, care for them, love them. There is beauty in that, not a beauty I would have fully chosen, but it is there, every moment, for the rest of my life.
To find the beauty in a moment, even if the moment is one of tremendous grief, is a gift. A gift I am beginning to comprehend. An awareness of such sadness brings a poignancy and sharp definition to the beauty in a moment, in humanity, on this earth and within me. I begin to embrace my beauty even more fully. This is one of Eli's gift to me, one of many I am sure.
I am still a woman without much a plan even at 43, single and with child in tow but I am ok with that - if "it" is really about the journey and not the destination then I have done the journey well so far. And now I have an angel who I gave birth to who helps me step by step to see the beauty as Nolan and I continue on this journey together. The 3 Musketeers.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Pain
I am up late again, unable to sleep - too much thinking. I had a conversation with a friend of mine concerning pain earlier today. She said that pain is a choice. Also that it comes from unmet expectations. Coming from a very psychological view point I didn't necessarily disagree with either statement but I also do not view it as that simplistic.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” - Buddha
Beginning with my childhood, I am not a stranger to pain. Most of us who have lived a human life are not. Without going into detail suffice it to say that some of my childhood was not ideal. I lost an innocence that no child should ever lose. It took me over 20 years to reach some type of understanding and acceptance concerning what I experienced, but I did it and by reaching that understanding the pain stopped, for the most part. I was forced to go deeper and wider than I ever thought possible. I had to express the fear, the rage, and the cruelty of the grief that I had held on to for decades. I refused to let that pain completely define me. Being on the other side of it, I can absolutely say that I am more compassionate, loving, accepting, kinder and wiser than I was and that would have been with out it.
"Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” - Robert Gary Lee
There are many popular beliefs concerning pain these days. The one that annoys me the most is that pain is evil and if you feel it it's because you did something wrong. As someone who is currently in a place of great pain, it FEELS evil and it also feels cruel and hideous but it does not mean that I did or am currently doing anything wrong. There are millions of stories on this earth of people in gut wrenching pain who did not do anything to cause it. As humans we try to put some type of explanation on our pain, take responsibility for it, blame ourselves for it, so that we can foolishly believe that have some control over it. If we have control in how it came to be then we can have control in stopping it? Sometimes our pain requires that we rage against it, move, make a change and then sometimes our pain requires that we just accept it without an answer as to why, sit in it quietly or loudly and just feel it until we no longer do.
"You should stand up for the right to feel your pain." - Jim Morrison
I believe that the view that pain is wrong is short sighted. It is not widely received as an acceptable place to be, as an experience, especially in the US. Many believe that it should be moved out of as soon as possible. It makes others uncomfortable, even those who have been trained in dealing with it because seeing someone in the raw and honest expression of their pain brings up our own undealt with, repressed, ignored pain. Pain is NOT something that needs to be or can be fixed. We, the person feeling the pain, may need help, love, comfort, support, understanding, guidance, wisdom, acceptance while in the pain and we may FEEL broken but our pain cannot be fixed. Pain needs to someone to bear witness to it, whether it is us doing for ourselves or someone else who can hold their own in full view of our pain and simply BE with us.
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa
I have hurt because of lost dreams, babies who will never grow up, unmet expectations, betrayal, lost innocence, the shocking dismissal of human dignity by other humans, (I could go on) but for the most part I am a fan of humans and the human experience, even with the pain. For as heart tearing, brutal, vicious and merciless our pain can be it never has to be the end of an experience unless we want it to be. I believe there is always something within it, on top of it, below it, somewhere, something is in there for us. Something that we would not have without it.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” - Buddha
Beginning with my childhood, I am not a stranger to pain. Most of us who have lived a human life are not. Without going into detail suffice it to say that some of my childhood was not ideal. I lost an innocence that no child should ever lose. It took me over 20 years to reach some type of understanding and acceptance concerning what I experienced, but I did it and by reaching that understanding the pain stopped, for the most part. I was forced to go deeper and wider than I ever thought possible. I had to express the fear, the rage, and the cruelty of the grief that I had held on to for decades. I refused to let that pain completely define me. Being on the other side of it, I can absolutely say that I am more compassionate, loving, accepting, kinder and wiser than I was and that would have been with out it.
"Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” - Robert Gary Lee
There are many popular beliefs concerning pain these days. The one that annoys me the most is that pain is evil and if you feel it it's because you did something wrong. As someone who is currently in a place of great pain, it FEELS evil and it also feels cruel and hideous but it does not mean that I did or am currently doing anything wrong. There are millions of stories on this earth of people in gut wrenching pain who did not do anything to cause it. As humans we try to put some type of explanation on our pain, take responsibility for it, blame ourselves for it, so that we can foolishly believe that have some control over it. If we have control in how it came to be then we can have control in stopping it? Sometimes our pain requires that we rage against it, move, make a change and then sometimes our pain requires that we just accept it without an answer as to why, sit in it quietly or loudly and just feel it until we no longer do.
"You should stand up for the right to feel your pain." - Jim Morrison
I believe that the view that pain is wrong is short sighted. It is not widely received as an acceptable place to be, as an experience, especially in the US. Many believe that it should be moved out of as soon as possible. It makes others uncomfortable, even those who have been trained in dealing with it because seeing someone in the raw and honest expression of their pain brings up our own undealt with, repressed, ignored pain. Pain is NOT something that needs to be or can be fixed. We, the person feeling the pain, may need help, love, comfort, support, understanding, guidance, wisdom, acceptance while in the pain and we may FEEL broken but our pain cannot be fixed. Pain needs to someone to bear witness to it, whether it is us doing for ourselves or someone else who can hold their own in full view of our pain and simply BE with us.
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa
I have hurt because of lost dreams, babies who will never grow up, unmet expectations, betrayal, lost innocence, the shocking dismissal of human dignity by other humans, (I could go on) but for the most part I am a fan of humans and the human experience, even with the pain. For as heart tearing, brutal, vicious and merciless our pain can be it never has to be the end of an experience unless we want it to be. I believe there is always something within it, on top of it, below it, somewhere, something is in there for us. Something that we would not have without it.
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