It's 1am

It is exactly 1:06am and I am up and looking at pictures of identical twins. Why in the hell would she be doing that, you might be asking... I am not sure I know the answer. Because I miss my identical twin boys. They are not identical now. Why is that important? I don't know. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is just that one of my boys is here with me and one is not. And right now at 1:11am I am feeling it. Not crying though. I am feeling resignation and anger all at the same time. Resignation - it is what it is and there is nothing for me to do to change it. Anger - it is what it is and there is nothing for me to do to change it. One reason, two emotions.

This grief is not for the weak and you cannot know how I wish I could be done with it. I cannot count how many times I have heard "The grief does not end. It changes." and I know that my love for Eli will not end just be transformed, as it already has. Thing is, I am not really feeling all that transformed right now.

As another mother who also lost one of her twins to TTTS just said, "but I've had more good days than bad but there are still days I don't want to get out of bed.." I understand that sentiment. I have lived that sentiment. This process truly is a process that demands the choice to continue getting up and living every single day and sometimes, on bad days, every single hour.  It is a repeated choice. I am blessed to have this choice, and yet, I still wish, sometimes, to not get out of bed and to hide from my life, just for a little bit. Truth is though, that does not work either. It is actually easier to get up, get out, live, laugh and love, love and love some more. But sometimes I still wish.

I am having some of my TTTS friends going through VERY difficult times right now. One beautiful mama had to put herself into a mental health facility to try to support her grieving process. Because grief is ugly but grief that is stuck feels evil to the soul. Another beautiful mama just found out her 3 week old rainbow son has neuroblastoma. What do you say to a mother who lost both of her little girls to TTTS and when she goes on to have her rainbow baby she learns he has cancer? I don't know, so all I have is I love you and I support you in anyway I can.

I would humbly ask that you hold these mama's and their families in your prayers or in love and light or whatever it is that you do to keep hope and strength and courage and love flowing their way.

It is now 1:26a. I believe I am done looking at pictures of identical twins now. It is time for me to sleep. So I will end with the picture of my beautiful little boy. This is his thank you card to everyone who came to his and Eli's 2nd birthday party. It was a great turn out.  :)

My Journey to Motherhood

I have been thinking about writing about this for awhile. It has been a journey that is for sure.

Teenage years
I remember thinking that I never really wanted to get pregnant and carry a baby. I didn't want to mess up my body so I thought one of two things would be great. Either I would adopt or I would have twins, so I would only have to be pregnant once, of course. I also remember thinking that it would be awhile yet because, to quote myself, "I will not pass the garbage of my childhood on to my child." I knew I had to heal my childhood before having a child. A rather definite statement for a 16 +/- girl to say but I remember saying it and I remember meaning it. Physically I was having extreme cramping during my periods and actually overdosed on midol one time. My mom had to run me to the emergency room that night. Later I went on birth control pills to help with the pain. They worked.

First love
I met and was wildly in love with a young airman in the Airforce. He was my first "adult" love. I was 17 when we met but out of high school. He was 18 and had just been assigned the base near my home. We were set up by friends. We adored each other and after a couple of years he wanted to marry me. He wanted us to have a home and have babies. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It wasn't because I didn't love him. It was because I could not see myself living the life he wanted. I had too much exploring and living to do as a single woman. So about a year after that we broke up. It tore my heart out. We remained friends. He is a very good man and I often wonder if anyone will love me again like he did.

Marriage
I got married when I was 23, surprising myself and probably almost everyone who knew me. He was a good guy but we were not a good married couple. After about a year and half of marriage we decided to stop using birth control and get pregnant. We tried it for a year - nothing. I guess it was meant to be since we ended up divorcing about a year later. I still think we could have co-parented well together. During this time I also was diagnosed with endometreosis and ovarian cysts, probably what had caused the painful periods in my teenage years. I had laser surgery to burn off the endometreosis. Afterwards the doctor wanted me to go on hormones to simulate menopause. Umm... no. I decided to see an ND and used natural, homeopathic and acupuncture to help my healing instead.

Single and having fun
So from about 27-35 I was single and had fun. Still believing that I would find the man that I wanted to marry, who wanted to marry me and we would create some type of family. During that time I got pregnant. I was almost 30. I was in love with the father. I miscarried very early, around 6 weeks. Just enough time for me to know and lose it in one fell swoop. I remained friends with him for years after we broke up. Sometimes we would talk about how old the baby would have been and what he/she would have looked like.

Thirty five
At 35 it hit. I was dating a man who did not want and could not have children. What was I to do? Leave a man I cared about or decide that maybe I just was not meant to have my own children. I had 1 niece and 2 nephews then. Maybe that was to be it. I would be the cool, amazing, rockin' auntie. This was a very tough time for me. I seriously wondered if I could even get pregnant again, due to the medical issues earlier in my life, and if I did could I even carry the baby to birth? The likely hood of the husband I had been waiting for to come along I was also seriously beginning to question. Physically I was having problems with my thyroid (low) and doing MANY different holistic, alternative and natural healing to help it work.

March 24, 2010
I find out I am pregnant. Not planned. Not with the wonderful husband that I had been waiting for but with a man who I had just started to date. I was just beginning to understand how different he and I were and that it was not going to work out. So I decided on March 17th that I was going to end it with him and a week later I found out I was pregnant. SHOCK! At 42 years old I found myself, against all odds, pregnant. But not with the husband I had always wanted. Then on May 20th I found out I was carrying twins. I was continually asked by every new doctor if it was thru IV or fertility treatments. Everyone, including me, was shocked that I was pregnant and with twins. I was told how lucky I was to be pregnant and I felt it - lucky. And then TTTS reared it's ugly head....

The future
I understand as I write this, many will believe me to be insane. I will be 44 years old in 6 months. I question it myself, whenever I think it
AND
I would like to have another child. Nolan has a brother but Eli is not here on earth with him. I would like to give him a sibling to grow up with.
AND
I definitely do not want to do this one alone. I want a partner to share it with.
So - the Universe is really going to have to do some serious aligning for this one to happen.... It has happened before....

Who knows what will come. I could have never guessed that my journey to motherhood would look anything like it has. The possibilities are endless and so is a mother's love. I feel like I have more mother's love to share.

We shall see.....