In a Moment

"No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.." ~ Reverend Safire Rose

Yes, I am repeating myself. The above was taken from the poem "Letting Go" that I posted last month. I am repeating myself because this has just happened to me.

I have been living my life in fear for the past two years. Starting with my single parent unplanned twin pregnancy (a gift from the Universe that terrified me) up until just hours ago and something just happened. I decided it would stop - all of it. I was sick and tired of being scared. Maybe I have had many reasons to be fearful recently but I decided I was done. It was literally in one exhale of breath I was done. It just disappeared with my decision. And suddenly I feel like I want to shine again.

Actually I think it has been occurring over the past couple of days/weeks. I made a to do list of things I need to do and things I want to do. I have made doing things I want to do as important as those things I need to do. That is a change in my recent perspective. One of the things on my list was get a pedicure. When it came down to it I knew I wouldn't go pay for one BUT I did know that I would do one myself. I use to have the smoothest prettiest feet around but I stopped pampering my feet when I got pregnant - my belly got in the way - and I just never picked it up again. So I went to my favorite store and got inspired with all the bright colors available and had Nolan help me choose a hot pink and a dark sparkly blue. I went with a hot pink and gave myself one of my old fashion pedicures. Now why had I been putting it off? There are other things I have started doing, taking my vitamins regularly, slowly improving the quality of food that I eat. On the past couple of Saturday mornings my mom, Nolan and I pack ourselves up and go to the local farmers market to pick up and try new yummy, healthy foods. I am scheduling fun time and not just doctors appointments. I finally got my hair done! I even went through and deleted some "friends" from my facebook account. ;)

It's like I got my fire back. While I believe I had been moving towards it slowly it all came together in that one breath and I let go. It was silent. I was in a department store and no one in Ross knew what happened

- But I did. That letting go is like that, a quiet and immense shift in energy. I feel like my fire is back. I am going to love my sons, say and do what I want and f*#k the fear!

Fear is a heavy cloak to wear and I have been hiding underneath it in what I thought was self preservation. But it was not. Now I wish I could say that I will not be scared again. There is a good possibility that I will be. I am living in a human body and fear is common in this place. And I am sure I will be sad. But I will experience that if/when it appears. For right now - for this moment. I am letting go and not living in it anymore. One of the cruelest things that fear does is keep us distanced from the very things that could kill that fear by bringing us joy. That is the biggest lie of fear and I am done living in it. I am living my life, however it goes.

And it happened in a moment of letting go.

"Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames." ~ Rumi

New Years Eve 2011

Another calendar year will soon have passed since I said goodbye to my baby Eli. I have his flameless candle going in his cabinet in Nolan's room right now. I turn it on at night during those important times when his absence is so poignant - like the holidays - like now.

The amazing changes Nolan has gone through in 2011 have been a joy to be a part of. He's 26lbs now, taking steps on his own, eating table food. He made it through his first Phoenix summer, in a helmet no less, played with his first sparklers, had is first birthday party, had his first stomach flu and graduated to having his own room. You would never guess that he was born 13 weeks early and at total of 2lbs 4oz, just like his brother just 16 months ago.

In my last post I said I was trying to remember what I believed in -
I remembered the next day -
LOVE.
Once again the 10 day countdown to 2012 asked the right question at the right time. I had been asking for guidance since the accident, feeling so overwhelmed and not understanding, and as it always happens - the questions I needed to guide me to the answers I was looking for just popped up
My #1 wish for the New Year is....
My response -

Peace for all living creatures on earth with everyone knowing that they are loved - that they ARE love.

Simple but truly my desire.

About 6-7 years ago I went through a couple of self-awareness programs and I learned many things about myself but one that became crystal clear was that if I were to come to the end of this life and feel like I did not love enough, that I could have loved more but chose not to I would be heart broken.

And my understanding of this love may be different than others. I DO NOT mean allowing people to harm me or remaining in places that are hurtful. I mean to choose not to harm others intentionally for any reason, to live in compassion and passion, chosing to love me because I deserve it as much as anyone else, saying MY truth for me, owning it even if others may not agree or like me for it.

I believe that the intelligence, the energy, in the world that literally holds things together (talking physics - the stuff between matter) is love - that is it. A love that is far beyond the human love we often talk about "I love my new phone." The love that I felt after Eli died. I couldn't rely on the normal expressions, holding him, feeding him, like other mothers with their babies - I had to broaden my definition of love again so that I could feel him in the breeze, in the feel of the sun, see him in the sky at night. THAT love is my wish for myself and for every other living being on this earth.

I have decided to be part of a decluttering group for January. So looking forward to clearing out my garage and holding a garage sale the beginning of February and all the proceeds will be going to the March of Dimes. Just need my back and neck to hold up to their part of the deal.

I have also decided to choose one conscious raising item to do once a day for the month of January. Placing my focus on making sure I do something every day to invite more good, more joy, more awareness, more prosperity, more LOVE expressed in my life, my sons life and on this earth. I will be posting them on my facebook page Rediscovering Your Light

Happy New Year

May you be aware of the magic at work in your life in every moment.

Love, Joy and Believing

I am taking a 10 day countdown to 2012 online and there are some posts I made that I would like to share.


For Deceember 24th - My Biggest Personal Goal for 2012 is....
I bought 3 Christmas ornaments this year - one each for my sons and one for me. They are matching silver/red stockings with a word written on them.
- Nolan's says Joy - because he is my biggest joy in my life.
- Eli's says Love - because he has helped me to understand love in a way that only losing a child can.
- Mine says Believe - because I have lost my belief in things and to live my life in Joy and Love I have to have Believe.
My biggest personal GOAL for 2012 is to Believe again.

These are gifts I bought for myself or received as gifts from Eli.

For December 25th - Something I did in 2011 that makes me really proud is ....
That I have provided for my son and I. Single and self employed has not been easy but with the loving help of my mom and some stubborn determination I have done it. A nice place to live, lots of time together, a "working" relationship with his dad and a stable, consistent, loving, safe home. He is a happy little boy. We aren't doing too bad and I am really proud of that. :)

Nolan and I on Christmas night

I am writing about these two posts because they made me think. :)

I realized that I have always believed that it all works out in the end and if it hasn't worked out yet it is not the end. This thought has moved me through much of my life. When I see Eli's death as the end then there is no way in hell I can actually believe that anymore - so what do I believe? I think the death of a child, especially your child forces you to revisit everything you have ever thought, perceived or believed to be true. I don't think revisiting our beliefs is a bad thing
BUT
I can tell you it can be a VERY hard thing. My belief in love and the goodness in this world has helped me move through much in my life. It is time for me to believe again. When I remember what that belief is I will let you know.

Concerning the post on proudest thing for 2011 - I had never thought about it until the moment of that question. I just did what needed to be done and I continued to love, through the tears and the fear and the pain and the aloneness
AND
look what I got? A life not simple or easy or without pain but so full of love and light that I was amazed. :)

Thank you my friend Tova for posting these questions.
www.findingmymuchness.com

From Too Much To Muchness

What do you do when you find out you are going to be a mom for the first time, just when you had given up the belief you might still get to be a mom at 42, and are single, self employed and not in love with the baby’s father? – Jump up and down for joy and trust that this gift was given to you for a reason. - MUCH

What do you do when you find out that the one baby you are expecting is actually identical twins? – Cry your eyes out in terror and joy and then call your mom to tell her so she can scream and laugh and cry in joy and shock. – TWO MUCH

What do you do when you find out that your miracle babies are identical boys and could possibly be facing a challenge called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS)? – Go home and Google it only to become terrified at what it could mean to the beautiful boys you carry. Tell friends and family who are already reeling from the death of one baby in the family. Become stiff with fear as the practical survival instinct kicks in and you learn EVERYTHING you can and start changing things in how you live 5 hours after the possible diagnosis. – too much

What do you do when you are told your babies are officially diagnosed with TTTS and it seems like they are progressing rapidly, knowing that without some type of intervention there is barely a 10% chance that either will survive? – Fly to Houston on two days notice for in utero laser surgery, borrowing money from friends and family, not knowing if the insurance will actually over the cost of the surgery. Have the surgery and learn 24 hours later that you still have two tiny little heartbeats inside of you and hear the surgeon call the surgery a success. – TOO TWO MUCH

What do you do 3 weeks after the successful surgery and feeling both babies move and kick and hiccup and grow inside of you, your water breaks much too early and you drive yourself to the hospital, the doctors check the babies, they still look good, and put you on a cocktail of drugs to keep the babies safe, promote their lung development and stave off any infection? – You bring your babies’ teddy bears to the hospital to keep them with you at all times. Visualize healthy babies with a bond of love so strong as to keep everyone safe and growing and spend your 10 days on hospital bed rest hiding from everyone so that you can focus EVERYTHING on the health and wellbeing of your little ones. – too too much

What do you do when you are rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section because one of your babies is in distress with a heart rate dropping to 15 with every contraction and give birth to two tiny, perfect little boys 13 weeks early who are rushed off to the NICU for care? – Give thanks for every single blessing you have been lucky enough to receive. – TWO TWO MUCH

What do you do when after 9 days of life one of your perfect little boys contracts an infection that takes over his body so quickly that he dies less than 36 hours later and then you have to hold a service for him while his brother is fighting in the NICU to grow and thrive? - Go numb, keep breathing, eat sometimes, sleep every so often, cling to the little boy still alive and alone without his brother and cry until there are no more tears only to cry again until you can’t breathe. – so much more than anyone should have to experience and I know too many who have

What do you do nine months later with a thriving nine month old beautiful boy who has made it through painful reflux, apnea events at home and a surgery on his skull? – Love, rejoice and celebrate the beautiful life of your surviving son while you honor, remember and sometimes still cry your eyes out over the son you lost. Know that your one heart has split into three equal hearts, one still in your body, one bursting with joy in your survivor’s body and one torn apart in grief with your angel. Embrace the life you have while you find reason and sense in the whole experience. Talk to your angel son, sing songs to your survivor about his brother, light candles, tell their story and live. – FIND MY MUCHNESS

This is my introduction to my upcoming experience of my 30 Days of Finding My Muchness. I will be starting on Wednesday June 15^th in honor of my ninth month without my angel. Please visit this wonderful website www.findingmymuchness.com to follow my journey to hope and healing.

I have also created my own project of Rediscovering Your Light on Facebook in support of anyone finding themselves in darkness or grief, for any reason, to reconnect with the love and light in themselves and their life. I would love it if you would join me there too.

Peace~

Piperlyne

Wandering and Muchness

I have found myself wandering around mentally and emotionally recently. Wandering itself is not a bad thing. When I do it with a sense of wonder, anticipation and excitement, I love it. I have been wandering around in the dark, per se. In connection to the sadness and grief I have been feeling. Then it feels like there is nothing right the world anymore and everything good is being snuffed out by thoughtlessness, thievery and carelessness. When I wander like this, I usually get into trouble, mental and emotional trouble this time. I found myself obsessing about the recent state of politics, all the people who are fighting for what they believe in and the politicians who seem to have lost their sense of decency, compassion and wisdom, if they ever had it. I was falling into a hole. Hand in hand with that was an inability to smile, focus, function, bounce back from basic daily setbacks. It was time to change my focus. Meditation was not working, working with my clients was not working, talking to friends was not working......

Then inspiration hit. I found a project. The project is based on the quote I posted as my facebook status a couple of days ago. "I used to be much muchier , I think I have lost my muchness." This quote came from my sister in law and niece. It is from Alice in Wonderland and it explains how I have been feeling lately. Since Eli's death I have felt like a shell of myself - a strange combination of intense sadness covered over with a bubble of emptiness and on top of that what seems to be my normal self. Sometimes the sadness breaks through, sometimes I am sure that I look empty, at least around the edges.... But now I have a project to focus on, something to help me to move through. It is still in the formation stages but I am hoping that it is something that other baby loss moms and dads can use to help heal the grief from the loss of their child and find their own muchness again.

More to come.