Nolan sat with me for the first time tonight and let me read him an entire story. He looked at the pages as I read to him alternating between sucking on his fingers or on his bottom lip.
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be."
This was the first book I bought for Nolan. I hope he continues to like story time because I always have but it has been awhile since I had someone to read a story to.
I also think about the stories of my life. I have always said that experiences are just that, experiences. We decide what stories or meanings to attach to them. This has always worked for me. If there was an experience that was causing me pain I would decide to put a different meaning to it. No matter how justified I might have been in my pain, my thought was always, why stay there? So I would see it differently, heal and release. Choosing to live my life this way for awhile has caused me to widen my perceptions, gain clarity, increase my compassion. This pain is different, the pain of Eli's death. I haven't been able to change my perception on this one, not completely and not yet. I wonder how long it will take? I don't know. I do know that Eli's life story does not end with him dying at 11 days old. It does not end September 15, 2010.
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be." - Mommy
How long will it take? In my experience of death and the questions of my unresolved heart, your answers are looking for you, too, and you will find each other; you will meet many times when least expecting.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I am so grateful you are sharing your grief. More parents who have experienced the death of a child totally deserve to find your blog!
Hugs,
Theresa