Longing....

Sometimes there are things that touch me. Turn me upside down and inside out. Often they highlight a feeling of longing deep within me. A feeling that I rarely hang out in. I am a pragmatist. I feel whatever feelings come along but if they do not move me where I desire to be I pay little attention to them and move on.

Longing - deep yearning or desire for something. I have had inexplicable moments of longing for all of my life. Sometimes, in the past, I could pin it on something like wanting a lover/boyfriend, or being somewhere else, or even pictures of the Universe. Real images or not, they bring about a sense of longing, like I remember a time when I lived amongst them, so much more than I do now.

I think we all experience longing. A huge part of grief is longing. Longing that things could have been different. As a parent of a child who died the longing can be intense. It is your job to keep your child safe. The belief that if you or someone else would have done something different, your child would still be here, alive.... It can be very heavy. In my grief experience that is something I chose to explore very rarely. And that is not a judgment towards anyone, including myself. Everyone's experience of grief is different. For me I found it impractical. I focused on the raw pain, deep sadness and even rage from the experience. But, what was done was done. If anything like that happened again I would make some different choices but I could not change the past. Nor could I change the fact that my son was dead.

And then a song like this comes along. It's been out since 2011 but I am hearing it and feeling it now and I cannot stop listening.

The longing it elicits is not connected to any one thing; a relationship, being somewhere else, what could be, what used to be, the Universe, the life of my Eli... but rather all of it.

I can say that the feelings of inexplicable longing are more poignant, powerful, timeless and common since the death of my son. So I am listening to this song over and over again and crying. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this and listen to the song. And I feel that in this seemingly strangeness or even silliness that there is healing that is occurring with each replay. It's like another part of me is being opened up and released through my tears every time the song starts again.

My son and his death truly has been and continues to be the crack in my being that lets the light in.

Blog Name Change

Hello all!

You may have noticed a name change in my blog. I'm glad you have found us even with the name change. I have a number of reasons why I did this but the biggest and truest reason is that life has changed, and I have grown. My love for my sons has grown and how I express that love out loud has changed and expanded. And the new title of the blog now mirrors that.

Crystal baby - is my sweet survivor, Nolan. He's 5 now and in his final year of preschool. He is my crystal child. He is one of many children coming in who need a different world so that they can grow, develop and thrive. He is my driving force of change; in my life, in his life and in the world. Change is never easy and he challenges me to embody the change I wish to see in the world. He is the reason I am "Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi.  I have danced back and forth on embracing this - Back because of fear that it was too big and too small and because before 2010 I never wanted to do this...  And forth because it was mine to do because of love, what I know to be right and because I am uniquely qualified to do it. (As we all are uniquely qualified to succeed in our own lives) I was resisting the change. I am done resisting. Let's do this.

Star baby - is my sweet little man, Eli. Star baby is my best way to describe him. He was symbolized by Angel baby in the previous blog title which is a common title in the baby loss community. It's used to let others know that this baby is a baby who has died in utero or shortly after birth. I have used angel baby with conflicting feelings. It just never seemed to fit what I felt. Star baby always felt right and true. Images of the sky, stars, galaxies and universes was just a better match to Eli's energy.  The work I do in the TTTS Support Team non-profit is just a small expression of my continuing love for my son.

Me - is me. This one has been hard too. My life is not quiet, nor slow but it can be repetitive and overwhelming. I have always embraced self love and self care AND I watched me slowly go under with the demands of my life over the past couple of years. I remember my flight attendant days where I would advise 100+ people up to 5 times a day to secure their oxygen mask first and then assist their child or the person next to them. I would have people ask why and I would explain that if they don't help themselves they cannot help anyone else.... Yes, I used to teach people this.... And yet... It was never my intention to ignore or disregard myself, I believe I deserve love and care.. It was exhaustion and overwhelm that stopped it and now I have further to go to get back to where I was and more forward.  I am hoping that since I have stopped fighting what is I will have much more energy to live in what is, happily.

So here we are Crystal Baby - Star Baby and Me living in peace with reality and ready for change!

Thank you Byron Katie.

Your Children are Not Your Children

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday." - Kahil Gibran

Eli, your short life is not what I would have chosen for you or me or Nolan. Not even close. I would have chosen for you a quiet, joyful childhood, growing up with your brother. You would have experienced the regular childhood and adult experiences of laughter and tears, failure and success, happiness, creativity, friendship and being in love and having your heart broken - And you would have used all of those experiences as a powerful force of love to change the world.......

But I now know that you had your own contract and agreement with Life. I was right that your spirit was meant to be a force love on this earth but in a very different way. Your spirit lives through in Nolan and helps him take on and conquer the challenges in his journey in Life. You are in his smile and laughter and in his tears at night when he has cried out for you. When he says your name and points to your picture. I know he knows you.

Your spirit lives through me. In everything I do, everything I am - mothering your brother, teaching my students, working with my clients, caring for myself, my relationships with everyone. My goals and intentions for my life were set in movement with the birth of you and your brother and clarified with your death 11 days later. I work to be a force of love on this earth because of Nolan and because of you. Every day I unwrap more gifts from you and your short time on this earth. Your spirit is eternal and while my mama's heart still desires to hold your hand, hug you, kiss your face, hear your laugh, see you play with your brother, I know that you are here with me and that love continues on.

"A luminous light remains where a beautiful soul has passed."
You left this earth five years ago today. Your light is just as strong.

Philosophy 101

I started my classes this Monday and it looks like I am going to be doing a LOT of writing. I thought it would be fun to share some of my work on my blog too.
This post has some of my response to my first assignment in Philosophy.

My philosophy of life is to love. I desire to see the love in my life, in this world. I believe that love is the driving force of the Universe; it is the glue that connects us. For me, love is another word for what many people call God. This love I speak of is love at it’s highest vibration, not "I love toast" but love as a verb. Love as a way that we choose to see the world. Love as a way we choose to approach others. Love as a way to change our world. “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dalai Lama.

Love is my philosophy. Everything I do, say, think, believe is put up against what I understand Love to mean. If I am making a choice or taking an action that does not resonate as a loving choice I look to change it immediately. If I cannot change it immediately then I know there is an opportunity to grow my awareness and my depth so that I can take an action or make a choice that is in love. This love is not localized but universalized, to love others as myself and to love myself as others. I am responsible for me. I carry a specialized responsibility for my children. I am responsible for you. That is my philosophy of love in action. The love I speak of is not the attached form of human love, which is extremely important for humans, but the detached love for all and every thing. The love I speak of is the love that does not need to control or need to feel needed but simply allows. Sometimes seeing that love in the pain of our everyday lives is the most difficult and challenging thing to do but it has been my experience that it is always worth it.

As a human being who has seen ugliness and violence in life I have to believe that there is something deeper and more, something under the fear that being human brings. As I worked to heal the trauma of a violent rape, I was forced to go past hatred or victimhood, because regardless of how valid those feelings were, neither of them helped me heal or forgive. And healing and forgiving was the only way I could see to save myself from my own pain. It was in that process that that philosophy of love introduced itself to me. If I could go deeper than I have ever gone to see my trauma through the eyes of love I might, just might, make it out of the hole of rage and fear I was in. And yes, it was love that saved me. Not the love of someone else, human or otherwise, but my ability to see my experience with the eyes of love. That is what helped me to heal. I began to experience and understand the difference between the attached human love and the unattached Universal love. I reached this state through analyzing my thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. I forced myself to entertain concepts that seemed foreign to me. In the end I let go of what did not ring as true and kept what made sense to me and my experiences. And that is Love as a way of life. Love as a philosophy.

See Love

A Month of Small Celebrations - December 26

Small Celebration

I officially re -enrolled in college! 

I signed up for four classes today. I decided to work on finishing my bachelors and I even changed my field of study. I have about 1/2 the credits needed. I was focusing on psychology, a natural for me, but it never completely resonated for me. I never wanted to be a therapist. Life coach, hypnotherapist? Yes. Therapist? No. So, after the many changes and challenges I have experienced over the past couple of years I have realized that what I truly, truly wish to do is use my voice, my words and share my passion for communication. :) 

I learned so much about communication in my years as an airline employee. I watched how people talk to each other when they are stressed, fearful, in pain and in joy. In all my years with the airlines it is very possible I have watched over a million people be and act. I learned how to talk to people who were crying, sick, drunk, screaming in anger. And on a couple of really bad days I learned how to manage a riot. I learned how to be confident even when I was shaking in my shoes, because the group needed someone to be a confident leader. I learned how to keep 137 people interested in a safety demo on the plane. The key was being interested in what I was saying. If I was interested they were more likely to listen to me. So I made it a game, made it fun. I learned how to calm the energy of an entire aircraft of people with what I said and how I said it. I announced to the passengers on my plane getting ready to depart San Diego on September 11, 2001 what had happened in New York and DC, and what was going to happen next with their flight. The Captain and the First Officer refused to make an announcement to the passengers on board so as the first flight attendant, I did.

Then I started classes at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts and I learned about "holding space", being neutral and grounded. Being centered and coming from an open heart space, listening in love and acceptance. I learned that sometimes when I speak it comes from a deeper more powerful place than my own simple human wisdom. I learned how to honor the place someone was in and not judge. I started to see how these simple acts of communication changed the entire experience of a conversation. It is amazing what can and will occur when the person(s) you are speaking with  knows that they are safe, truly safe, with you. There is healing in that space. I learned it and then I started teaching it.

And most recently, my sons have helped me to learn how to have deeply intimate conversations and remain detached from the outcome. I learned that sometimes the best and most loving act of communication I can do is to listen quietly and offer love. I learned that we are actually empowered when we can speak of our own fears, pain and weaknessness. 

And now recently I have been feeling limited in the work I have been doing and what I wish to do because I do not have a degree. It is time to change that. I have much to learn. I have much to teach. I have much to create and I understand that now is the time for the next step. And so, a bachelors in communication here I come!

I am grateful to the million + people who have taught me these things. Whether they were in my life for a decades or for a moment. And I am grateful for the millions more I have to learn from. I am celebrating.

Letter To My Boys - Second Birthday

In three hours it will be officially Nolan's 2nd birthday. Five minutes later it will be Eli's 2nd birthday.

I know I haven't written much lately. As I mentioned in my last post there were some changes happening that, to put it plainly, I didn't know what to say. I will talk about those in another post. But I knew that the 2nd birthday of my beautiful little boys and my letters to them was the perfect time to step back into my blog.

So here goes!

To My Amazing Nolan -
What a year it has been. There is no one on this earth who would look at you now and know that you started out fighting TTTS, born 13 weeks early and spent almost 3 months in the hospital with two surgeries under your belt before you were 6 months old. This past year, you moved from standing up with the help of the furniture to running around with excitement and pure joy. You graduated from your need for thickened formula/milk and are now eating like an adult. Well, almost, if you know of any adults who like to rub mashed up banana chunks in their hair or sometimes the random piece of hot dog. I am guessing it is good for your hair because you have beautiful hair.  You are still careful with your words and haven't stepped out to claim any one word as your official first word but boy can you let me know what you want. With the way that you read and study things, sometimes I think you will actually read me a book the first time you talk. :) You have become a fan of the Super Why cartoon on PBS. Even giving a kiss to Pig and Red Riding Hood sometimes when they come on. You have good taste - both are very cute.  :)  You have learned to be friends with Tobey the cat, to Tobey's relief, and understand the term "gentle hands" when you pet him. You love applause and clapping, for anyone, anytime, so filled with joy, smiling a huge smile and clapping away.

You have perfected the art of throwing yourself down on the floor so you have a soft landing during your rare 5-10 second tantrums. And have even been known to laugh at yourself while throwing those tantrums. You have also perfected the art of throwing a ball, actually two balls at once! Your intuitive sense of how electronics work and what buttons do what amazes and maybe even scares me sometimes. And you still shine your light brightly. I see the looks that children and adults give you when they pass by, smiling, waving, little girls coming up to try and kiss you. Oh yeah, that Venus/Mars conjunction in Libra is showing up already! (Astrology talk for charming.)

You got sick for the first time and the second time and the third time this past year but you are so strong that the first time was only for 48hrs and the third time only happened because your immune system was down from the 2nd time.  :0)  You saw a chiropractor and he told me that you had to be one of the strongest little boys he had ever worked on. PS - you charmed him too.

What I have learned from you -
I could spend all day, every day with you and I would still want more. I love that "Nolan's mommy" is one of the hats I wear in my life, one of the most important ones in my life.  Being responsible for you makes me want to do more and do better for you, for us. You have shown me that being present in the moment is one of the best things I can do for both of us. You will always have my heart, even as you grow up, find your own way and make your own life. It is my love for you that has gotten me up and moving every single day this year, with a back injury from an accident and other health issues. There were times before you and your brother when I would hide under the covers to just get away for awhile. I don't do that any more. I get up and make a life for us. Not because I have to but because you have worked so damn hard to be this wonderful child that you are.  You are making it past your challenges and difficulties to be here now, you deserve at least the same from me. You teach me about love every day with every breath, every smile, every tear.
I love you my shining little boy.


To My Amazing Eli -
All I have to do is say your name and I am filled with your presence. This communication and connection between us is natural and real. I love that you ride in the car with me and we talk then. It is that quiet time when I feel close to you. And then just as confirmation you make yourself available to my friends who are open to hearing and feeling you.  People respond to your spirit as strongly as people respond to Nolan.

I know that it is you who is working on the other side to help bring the parents of those children to me. The children who let me know why they do what they do and what their parents need to understand to help them cope and function in this earthly life. And these children see me. Your life and death helped me to step into that part of my work. You also help me in connecting with those who have passed. You are my bridge and I am so thankful.

As I started standing up and speaking to groups again, it was your spirit that came to me. I felt your love and a couple of times simply giggled in joy at the feel of you.  You have helped me, made me Love Out Loud and See Love in all things. I am honored to continue to feel and share your love in my heart with as many as I can.  I will continue acts of service and kindness, large and small, in your name and your memory.

And I still cry tears because this human mama still wishes to see your eyes, hear your laugh, kiss your cheeks and hold you close. I miss you in the physical. It is one of my greatest hopes that I will again get to hold you close to me and know that it is you that I am holding and that you will know me.

Your birthday party is on the 9th. Keep an eye out for those balloons we will be sending to you. They will have notes of love and birthday wishes all over them, from some of those people you have touched. Your name will be on the birthday cake too. Nolan and I will blow out your candle for you. :)

Eli, my star angel. "Some people only dream of angels. I held one in my arms."
"A luminous light remains where a beautiful soul has passed." Thank you for lighting my way through my grief at your departure.

I love you heart and soul.
And PS -
Thank you for entertaining Nolan when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I know, I hear him laughing. :)

To both of my boys -
You continue to do your magic in my life as I knew you would. Just being here, being who and how you are is a gift of love, growth, service, joy, happiness and patience.  I really don't know if things "happen for a reason" or if there is a "great plan" but I know that I will continue to find the perfection of having you both as my sons for the rest of my life. I know I am blessed to have two powerful spiritual beings in my life, as my sons. I am so grateful for you. It is my job as your mother to create places on this earth for your light to shine brightly and I will continue to do that with great love.

"I am willing to let go of...."

“You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance every second.” – Not sure who said this.

Sometimes we know we need to change something or many things in our life but still feel stuck, don’t know how to go about it or don’t know what it looks like or don’t know how it can be done. Been there. Done that. Have been doing it again.

Sometimes Life whispers in your ear and you get it, sometimes Life smacks you in the head and you get it or sometimes, if you’re really special like me, Life smacks you in the head a couple of times and you get it. Suffice it to say that as of today, I have been smacked enough Life, I get it!

About the death of my Eli. I love my sweet boy forever and I have a soul connection to him. I will always cherish my 6+ months of carrying him and his brother and the 11 days outside of my womb that I was gifted with his spirit in human form. We had our mommy and son moments on this earth, just he and I, not anywhere near as many as I wanted in this life but they are ours and in my heart. I will continue to do things in my life in my love for him; by myself, with my family and friends and with Nolan. Eli cracked my heart wide open and created such space for compassion, patience and love. And right now I am not living from that place of fullness like I know I can. I have been too busy thinking. Thinking one thought. Over and over and over again. And it hurts every time I think it. So I think it might be time to stop. So here it goes.

As of today, as of this moment, I am willing to let go of seeing Nolan and thinking “There should be two.” It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME I think it and that serves no one. It does no good for anyone, especially me. One of the biggest curses/gifts of losing one of my identical twin boys is that I know that at one time there was a mirror image of Nolan on this earth. So I have a good idea what Eli would have looked like now and how he would have been AND I don’t really know what Eli would have looked like now or how he would have been. So, I have Nolan my earth baby and Eli my angel baby. I have two sons and my arms only hold one now. The other lives in my heart, my mind, my spirit. Eli is in the sunset, the starry night, the visiting butterfly and in the trees that dance in the wind (Nolan’s favorite). Thinking that there should be two, tears at my heart. There was two and now there is one. Who is to say how it should or should not be? The easiest answer, the answer that lets my heart rest and shuts off my mind is - what should have happened is what did happen. I give up. I surrender. Fighting what is real hurts too much.

So as of today, as of this moment

I am willing to let go of seeing Nolan and thinking “There should be two”.
Nolan, Eli and I deserve so much more.

I love you Nolan.

I love you Eli.

I love you Piperlyne.

Look Up, Look Around, Stop Hurting

Since the beginning of the new year I have been challenged in choosing what I wish to focus on, what I want to manifest, what I wish to create. I normally choose a couple of things for the year and then make the decisions in my life as they come knowing that I am moving towards that goal I chose.....

So far, I have been at a loss this year. For 2010 and 2011 my focus was on survival, literal survival, of myself and my children. Keeping both Nolan and Eli healthy and then moving on to keeping Nolan and myself healthy, paying the bills and continuing to function through the crushing grief of Eli's death. So for 2012 I have been asking, praying for, meditating on what I should focus on creating this year. And as the Divine always does, it brings the answer to my front door.

To start - The doctor I have been seeing to help me heal from my car accident pointed out to me that I need to stop looking down. I need to start holding my head up and looking around. He said my change in posture would help in the healing and strength building of my neck, shoulders and upper back. Hmmm.... I have been looking down, literally, physically, at my feet for the past couple of years, making sure my footing is solid and trying to stay clear of the random land mine.

And then, just to push the understanding deeply into my awareness, I had an appointment with a regular client of mine who asked me about the future of her job search. I was shown very clearly a gentle hand going under her chin and raising it up as if to say "raise your eyes, your expectations, stop shooting so low". As I shared this with her I also understood this was a message for me too. Throughout the past couple of years I have let my vision drop and focused on surviving. I understand why and I am not saying that was "wrong" for me to do - But - now it is time to raise my eyes, my focus and time to elevate myself and what mark I wish to make on the world, this year or for the rest of my life on this earth.

And finally, continued problems with my body and physical health have continued to overwhelm me. As I healed my upper back from the accident I started having excruciating pain in my lower back. Putting me in the place of, once again, not being able to pick up Nolan. After two weeks of pain I got some Vicodin to help and then another week later I got an MRI. And what I learned was that I have a slightly bulging disc in my lower spine but the thing that was causing the pain is actually a small tear in the fibers that surround my spinal cord, causing what is called a "pain cascade". I will tell you the name is fitting. Good news - it will heal. Bad news - it will take time. Then just to top off all the fun I received a diagnosis of endometreosis yesterday. My body is DEMANDING that I change and is refusing to allow me to continue this way. I have to change.

So what is my problem in making some decisions and changing??? Usually there is no problem.....
But now?
That is part two and coming in the next couple of days. I am still finding the words to use.

New Years Eve 2011

Another calendar year will soon have passed since I said goodbye to my baby Eli. I have his flameless candle going in his cabinet in Nolan's room right now. I turn it on at night during those important times when his absence is so poignant - like the holidays - like now.

The amazing changes Nolan has gone through in 2011 have been a joy to be a part of. He's 26lbs now, taking steps on his own, eating table food. He made it through his first Phoenix summer, in a helmet no less, played with his first sparklers, had is first birthday party, had his first stomach flu and graduated to having his own room. You would never guess that he was born 13 weeks early and at total of 2lbs 4oz, just like his brother just 16 months ago.

In my last post I said I was trying to remember what I believed in -
I remembered the next day -
LOVE.
Once again the 10 day countdown to 2012 asked the right question at the right time. I had been asking for guidance since the accident, feeling so overwhelmed and not understanding, and as it always happens - the questions I needed to guide me to the answers I was looking for just popped up
My #1 wish for the New Year is....
My response -

Peace for all living creatures on earth with everyone knowing that they are loved - that they ARE love.

Simple but truly my desire.

About 6-7 years ago I went through a couple of self-awareness programs and I learned many things about myself but one that became crystal clear was that if I were to come to the end of this life and feel like I did not love enough, that I could have loved more but chose not to I would be heart broken.

And my understanding of this love may be different than others. I DO NOT mean allowing people to harm me or remaining in places that are hurtful. I mean to choose not to harm others intentionally for any reason, to live in compassion and passion, chosing to love me because I deserve it as much as anyone else, saying MY truth for me, owning it even if others may not agree or like me for it.

I believe that the intelligence, the energy, in the world that literally holds things together (talking physics - the stuff between matter) is love - that is it. A love that is far beyond the human love we often talk about "I love my new phone." The love that I felt after Eli died. I couldn't rely on the normal expressions, holding him, feeding him, like other mothers with their babies - I had to broaden my definition of love again so that I could feel him in the breeze, in the feel of the sun, see him in the sky at night. THAT love is my wish for myself and for every other living being on this earth.

I have decided to be part of a decluttering group for January. So looking forward to clearing out my garage and holding a garage sale the beginning of February and all the proceeds will be going to the March of Dimes. Just need my back and neck to hold up to their part of the deal.

I have also decided to choose one conscious raising item to do once a day for the month of January. Placing my focus on making sure I do something every day to invite more good, more joy, more awareness, more prosperity, more LOVE expressed in my life, my sons life and on this earth. I will be posting them on my facebook page Rediscovering Your Light

Happy New Year

May you be aware of the magic at work in your life in every moment.

Endless - Timeless - Always Alive

I have been focusing on healing my grief. This experience is causing me to look deeper into what I believe, what I have taught and definitely what I say to myself, my clients, everyone in my life.

There are some things I have begun to understand. The popular new age thought process of "you can change anything" and "have anything you want" just does not ring as true to me now. I understand how it can be empowering to someone who believes they do not have the ability to change their circumstance or alter their world and I believe in the power and the truth of that. AND there are somethings that I as a human being or even a spiritual being can not change or have, especially when it has to do with the experience of another human being or the evolution of another spiritual being. The death of my son has taught me this. In this moment in time the one thing I would change in my life is to have Eli at home with Nolan and I but that was not meant to be and I cannot change that. I do not get what I want in this instance. So where do I go with what I used to believe and what is my deeper understanding now?

It is my knowing that Eli came to this earth in the little form he took to play a very large part in my life, Nolan's life and in the lives of those who knew and loved him BUT he also came for himself, for his short human experience and for his own soul evolution. Regardless of how much I prayed, cried, meditated, visualized, supported and protected his body and his life I could not change his own soul evolution because it was not about me. In a way it never was but there can be something in the experience for me. I was given the gift of his life and his evolution and though it was so much shorter than I wanted it to be it is HIS life and HIS evolution, not mine. He may have come into this world in a 2lb 4oz body but he was a fully developed part of divinity, as we all are, and had his own path to experience. Regardless of anything I used to believe I now know that we cannot have anything we want or change anything we desire to.

So, where does that leave me? When we are part of an experience that we cannot change or have what we desire what do we do next? This is what I have been working on
- Changing my understanding, perception of the experience of Eli's death - I ALWAYS, in any situation, have the opportunity to decide/create what an experience means to me. Some use the term, learning but I just don't know about thinking about these things as lessons - and this comes from someone who loves to learn! The word experiences just feels better to me so that is what I go with. It was Eli's life, his experience and because it occurred and touched mine it is also my life and my experience.
- Understanding that there are simply some things that we do not get to have or change creates a depth of compassion, for myself and for others that is new in all it's beauty.
- Any guilt of not being "strong" enough or "spiritual" enough to manifest my desires dissipates. Talk to anyone who was in the position of being a decision maker concerning someone's health and they will tell you about the "what if's" that have run through their head, especially if the outcome was not what they so badly wanted.
- And the most important piece - As I move through all of this there is one thing that rings clearly..... It is that as I go through this process Eli lives within me and outside of me. As I come to awareness of all of this I inherently change how I work with my clients and how I am with those in my life. Eli lives in that too. When this process is complete the next step, whatever that may be, Eli will also live in that. This makes him endless, timeless and always alive. Thank you for helping me to understand that.

I will end with the quote that I saw this morning that started this post.

"This moment contains all moments." - C.S. Lewis
All that has happened is held in this moment.
All that will happen is a seed in this moment. - Addition by me.

Stories

Nolan sat with me for the first time tonight and let me read him an entire story. He looked at the pages as I read to him alternating between sucking on his fingers or on his bottom lip.

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be."

This was the first book I bought for Nolan. I hope he continues to like story time because I always have but it has been awhile since I had someone to read a story to.

I also think about the stories of my life. I have always said that experiences are just that, experiences. We decide what stories or meanings to attach to them. This has always worked for me. If there was an experience that was causing me pain I would decide to put a different meaning to it. No matter how justified I might have been in my pain, my thought was always, why stay there? So I would see it differently, heal and release. Choosing to live my life this way for awhile has caused me to widen my perceptions, gain clarity, increase my compassion. This pain is different, the pain of Eli's death. I haven't been able to change my perception on this one, not completely and not yet. I wonder how long it will take? I don't know. I do know that Eli's life story does not end with him dying at 11 days old. It does not end September 15, 2010.

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I live
My baby you'll be." - Mommy