A Month of Small Celebrations - December 10

Small Celebrations

This is an easy one.
Melatonin!

I have been on a number of sensory processing disorder support pages in which parents have shared how their sensory child had problems sleeping at night, whether is was falling asleep or staying asleep. Boy, did that resonate with Nolan's experiences recently. The lack of sleep we had both been facing was leading to more difficult days for Nolan with unexpected melt downs. And mornings for me where my body hurt, I was so tired. So I was ready to try something fairly natural that would help Nolan, and then me by default, to sleep at night. Last night was the first time and I must say it worked!!!

Nolan slept all night. :)

And I decided to try the 3mg of melatonin too, just because, and I slept too! A wonderful sleep. I woke up refreshed, relaxed and even energized! I literally felt like a NEW person!

So tonight is another melatonin night in hopes that Nolan and I can continue this pattern of good, healing sleep. 

Yay for sleep!

Silly Little Bears

About six weeks ago I lost Nolan's teddy bear.  We went down to Tucson and somehow it did not make it back home.  I looked in all the places I could imagine it would have been left but no.  It simply disappeared.  Nolan loved this bear.  He used to crawl with it.  He figured out how to move his legs so that he could crawl and not end up crawling on it.  He used to grab it by the ears and mush it in his face.  When he went to sleep at night it tucked it under his belly and slept on top of it.  He loved this bear.

But, if it is possible, I loved it more.  I got this bear as a gift shortly after I found out I was pregnant.  It was a gift from a very good from of mine.  As soon as I learned I was having identical twins my friend bought another one.  Now my identical twins would have identical teddy bears.  After I learned about the possibility of TTTS, the diagnosis, the procedures and hospitalization these two bears grew to mean even more to me.  They became the symbols of my little boys fighting for their lives.  I slept with them in my arms every night to hold them close and keep them safe.  I would hold them when I spoke to my boys or would go into meditation about the boys. When I flew to Houston for the laser surgery the bears came with me and spent the night with me in the hospital.  After my water broke and I was hospitalized until I had the boys these silly little bears were with me, in my bed the entire time and did not leave my side until I put one of them in each boy's nicu room.  There they stayed.  Placed on a shelf to look down on the isolette, they watched over their little boy. When Eli died his bear moved to Nolan's room and was placed on a different shelf with Eli's other things.  Every night I spent in Nolan's nicu room was spent with Eli's blanket and teddy bear in my arms. Now, Eli's bear and some of his other things are in Nolan's room in a cabinet.  These silly little bears were symbols of my boys and gave me something to hold when I was filled with such fear and then such grief.  Those two little bears were a saving grace for me through it all and now they have been separated.

Since then I have bought a couple of different stuffed animal options for Nolan but nothing has stuck so far.  I got two more bears from the same company as the first bears.  Yes, two, in this case it was too hard to think of only buying one of these bears. I still don't know what I will do with two, maybe keep one as a back up. Of course they changed how the bear looks, which made me cry.  Nolan, my sunshine and happiness boy, is no worse for wear with the loss of his teddy bear but it still brings me to tears.

Doorways

This past weekend was a difficult one. I felt empty and restless. I felt invisible in my pain. It was during this time 4 months ago that Eli lived his short life on this earth. I look forward to the time when I can look back on his 11 days here with me with joy but right now it is still extremely painful.

Sunday night I received a gift of a vision. In my mind's eye I saw Eli standing at a door in front of me. Slowly I watched him open the door and invite me to step through the doorway, telling me it was okay to go through and take the next step. I trust the energy and spirit of Eli completely so I saw myself cross the threshold and step through. I felt lighter and clearer. I see that there are still many doors for me to go through in this process but I believe Eli is here with me to guide me through these steps, these doorways. The doorways of grief and healing but more importantly the doorways of love.

"I will be watching over you.
I am going to help you see it through.
I will protect you in the night.
I am smiling next to you......"
-Queensryche "Silent Lucidity

You've got me. I am right here.

Shortly after my boys were born they were assigned a developmental specialist who observed both of them in their daily care and made recommendations on their care. Eli was observed first. His observation time was the first time that I held him, 9-7-10. This is a part of what the specialist observed and wrote up for me. I had no idea at the time how much this would mean to me.

"After Eli's temperature was taken and diaper changed, his caregiver prepared him to be held for the very first time by his mom, skin-to-skin (kangaroo holding). Eli responded to his cares by extending his legs are arms out pushing into his nest, his mom talked to Eli softly as she approached his bed. Piperlyne gently picked Eli up and cradled him unto her chest, as Eli squirmed extending his arms out as his fingers on his hands fanned wide apart, as if saying stop. Once Piperlyne sat in the nearby chair with Eli, and with the assistance of his caregiver, they got Eli comfortable in his mother's arms, he melted in her arms from the familiar and comfort of being close to his mother again. After a couple of minutes in his mother's arms, he transitions nicely into a quiet awake state and works hard to move his head so he can look up towards his mother's face. Once Piperlyne was comfortable with Eli in her arms and all of the pictures were taken of this memorable occasion, I left mother and son alone to have some bonding and loving time together...."

Both Eli and Nolan worked very hard to look at my face during our holding times. I would say to them. "You've got me. I am right here...."

Dreams of Babies

Recently, the nights are the hardest. I find myself not being able to sleep even if Nolan gives me a solid 6 hours of rest. I know that part of my grieving process is not sleeping.
In the past week I have had a couple of nights when I wake up with a start with the thought in my head "Where are my babies?" I take a breath and realize I have one with me and one is gone.
Then there are those times when I wake up with the left over feelings of a beautiful dream and it hurts to be here. I have no memory of what the dream was but it was loving, warm and complete and then it's gone.
Or last night, I was lucky, I woke up to find myself hugging one of my pillows. I saw myself sleeping with both Nolan and Eli in my arms, hugging them both. I watched as that faint vision left over from the dream quietly faded away and all I wanted to do was grab on to it, wrap myself in it and live in it for a little while longer.
When the house is quiet and dark and I am in bed feeding Nolan, I see his beautiful blue eyes looking up at me and I feel the loss of Eli, quite literally feel it in my body. I can't help it, I cry. I hate crying while he is in my arms. I don't want him to pick up or feel my sadness. He has such a big, important job of growing and developing I don't want to hinder it in any way. But I can't help it so I cry and watch as my tears splash on his head. I wipe them away and say that it is ok. But I lie because right now it is not ok, right now it hurts.