So Much Love

There are times when I look at Nolan and I feel like I am going to explode with such love, joy and gratitude.
And then
Sometimes
I wonder how my heart would live through having both Nolan and Eli here.  I feel so much love for Nolan I don't know how my physical body could hold the love if both of my sons were living and I was looking at 2 pairs of bright blue eyes.
It is so strange where our experiences take us and the thoughts that go through our heads when our baby dies. Even 20 months after our baby dies.

I am making an appointment with Nolan's pediatrician this week. I have some concerns about the fact that he is not talking yet.  I know babies develop differently. I know even though he is 20 months his adjusted age is 17 months.  I am just concerned because he does not talk at all.  Not even mama.  He is understanding a lot being said to him. He expresses himself but just no words.  My sister told me that babies start to talk when they need to be understood.  And that if they are understood without words and don't have to ask for what they want then they will be slower to talk. So is that it?  My little one and I talk intuitively so he doesn't use words?  :)