Baby Loss Mother's Day

Today was my first baby loss mother's day. I spent the day in Tucson celebrating my youngest nephew's, Ethan's, First Communion. I am his godmother. It was a beautiful day full of sun and a cool breeze, family and food. Nolan loves seeing his cousins Caitlin, Logan and Ethan and they love spending time with him. It makes me happy.

My godson Ethan and I have always been close. When we were leaving the church he wanted to ride in the car with Nolan and I. As I was getting Nolan's car seat in the back of my mom's car Ethan noticed the necklace I had on. It was a gift from a wonderful friend of mine. She gave it to me after Eli died. Ethan looked at it closely but because I was moving around he couldn't read it so he asked me what it said. The necklace has three graduated circular pieces and each piece has a name. The smallest one has Eli stamped in it, the middle has Nolan stamped in it and the largest one has Piperlyne stamped in it. It is one of four wonderful necklaces that I received in honor of Nolan and in remembrance of Eli.


I explained it to Ethan and he asked me "Why?"
"Why what?" I asked
"Why did Eli have to die?" He asked with all the innocence of an 8 year old.
"I don't know why, sweetie. He was sick." Ethan didn't say anything so I continued. "He was born so young and so little and he just got too sick to live." I continued to get Nolan's car seat secured looking as his sweet smiling face.
"It is sad." said Ethan.
"Yes it is." I agreed with him. Yes it is.

And that was it. Bless Ethan's sweet 8 yr old self, he was my connection to my first baby loss mother's day. Thank you little boy Eli for being with me on this earth for the short time you were here. Thank you little boy Nolan for being the smiling happy spirit who is staying with me. Thank you little boy Ethan for asking.

As I look in on Nolan asleep in his crib, I see how he has again rolled over towards his musical seahorse glow worm. He has one arm wrapped around it and I wonder again if he is looking for his brother and reaching out to touch him like he used to do in the womb.

"When a wife loses her husband she is named a widow. A child who loses his or her parents they become an orphan. But there is no word for a mother who loses a child, for she remains just that: a mother. She will be a mother for the rest of her life."

Sending out love to all mothers.