So Many Things

Wednesday after the surgery

Nolan is out of the hospital and doing amazing. He was kept an extra day just because of the problems caused by the double intubation and the trauma done to his trachea. They gave him a couple shots of steroids to help with the swelling. Those sent his blood pressure up so they stopped them and kept him another night for observation. We were released Saturday morning. What an amazing little boy. He is such a good healer. So now he is getting tylenol a couple of times a day, is a little fussy and sleeping a little more but is doing amazing for having surgery on his skull just a week ago! He gets measured for his helmet/band this Thursday and should be wearing it by next Thursday. It was a sleeping day today. He slept well this afternoon and mom got a great nap in too. Trying to catch up from 3 days of living and not sleeping in the hospital again. The stress is slowly fading now that I have Nolan at home and my arms again.

I have the ability to see colors around people. I don't physically see them with my eyes (that would be wonderful if I could!) more like a sense of it or maybe like how you would remember a color after seeing it. Anyway - I have been seeing Nolan in a circle of pink light for months, which always made me happy. Pink light meaning wrapped and held in love. On the morning of the surgery I noticed that the color around him changed to a beautiful, brilliant white. The white of Divine love and protection. It was a good thing to see. I know he was surrounded by his angels, my angels and our angel Eli.

Today is the five month anniversary of Eli's death. I slept with Eli's teddy bear last night. Every time I moved in my sleep I was very aware of where the little bear was so that I could continue to hold it tightly in my arms. Cried myself to sleep and a couple of times today. I heard something in the movie "Eat Pray Love" last night that made me think about my grief. They were talking about still loving and missing someone after a break up. The response was - "Every time you think of me, send me love and light and let it go." The sending of light and love is no problem, I was doing that with both of the boys before they were born. My challenge is to "let it go". I realized that my grief has to do with my unwillingness/inability to let it go. I want to hold Eli to my heart again, kiss his little nose that was exactly like Nolan's - not let him go. Of course I know that I will never hold him to my physical body again. It is impossible in this lifetime but at five months I am unwilling/unable to let go of the desire to do so. The space between what is true and what I desire is where my grief exists. My son Eli is no longer on this earth and no amount of anything will change this. I can fight what is true or accept it and let it go. - When I am ready - I am not quite ready yet. I can only do what I can do. Being compassionate and kind with myself is what I can do right now.

Finally, I am so grateful for all of the love and support sent to me and all the healing and love sent to Nolan while he was in the hospital. As a wise friend of mine pointed out to me. "Is it possible that all that you have received has brought about the miracle that his case was better than many and the surgery needed was less?" Why yes, yes it is possible.