It was a tough night for me last night. Nolan's dad came to visit him. We fought concerning Nolan's child support. I expected him to pay as scheduled or discuss with me when I could expect it. His expectations were different.
After he left, mom went to bed and Nolan was tucked in to his crib it hit me. This was the first of many New Years, all the rest of my New Years, that Eli would not be here with me. And I finally let myself admit to the fact that I have a regret concerning Eli. Living life so that I have no regrets has always been important to me, but now it is different.... I have a regret. My one regret is that I did not hold Eli that night I got the call from the hospital. Before he got so sick. Before they intubated and sedated him. I am sure I could have but I did not even ask. I am sure it was the shock. Eli was the baby who was ahead of the curve. He was moving ahead faster than his brother. When he died a short 36 hours after diagnosis everyone was shocked - nurses, doctors, me....
I think I slept maybe a couple of hours last night - And I cried. I cried hard, driving tears that came from the depth of my soul. The kind of tears that take your breath away. I brought Nolan to bed with me and cried. I cried for my one regret, the rest of my New Years and simple straightforward grief for my baby Eli.
It is hard not to have regrets. A similar thing happened with Owen and it is also one of my only regrets of any decisions we made concerning him. They told us we could hold him the night before he died, but that if we really wanted them to "give it everything" they had with the ventilator the next morning, then it would be better not to hold him. Of course we wanted them to do everything possible, so we didn't . I had the chance to hold him and touch him for possibly hours before we had to let him go and I didn't. It hurts with the kind of hurt you talk about in this post and I hope that he forgives me and knows why we did what we did. I am so sorry that you are in this place too.
ReplyDeleteWhittney -
ReplyDeleteHow I wish we could have shared in having babies to grow up together as cousins instead of sharing in the loss of a baby.
Hugs to you.